Looking for understanding on Panty Fetish

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 3 years, my mother lives with us since she spends half of her time here and the other half out of the country.
Recently, I found a pair of panties (that aren't mine) stuffed behind the bed. I asked him about it, and he confessed he has a panty fetish.. and went in my mother's bedroom and took her lace panties. My first thought was he wants to do my mom! But he explained to me that he doesn't associate the panties with the owner, it's just the underwear he wants.. and then I got hurt because why didn't he use my panties instead, and he explained that they didn't fit. So I've learned that his panty fetish is wearing them when he self pleases himself.. I've signed onto this site for help, in understanding his fetish and hearing ya'll opinion about the fact that he went seeking through my mother's panty draw (isn't that crazy? or is it just me). I can't even look at him because I know he masterbated to my mother's underwear, and he went seeking for them! I go through these stages of emotions, hurt, sad, angry, disgust, insecure, and back to sad… don't forget confused to the mix the whole time. I feel the emotions of a person who's been cheated on, and thinking maybe this is a bad dream.
I would really like some help, or guidance to where I can get help for our relationship. I'm scared his fetish is boarder line obsession if he went seeking panties to fit him. And this fetish doesn't turn me on… and from the forums and other things I've read, it doesn't help the relationship if someone isn't down to try it.
Please tell me what you think or know about panty fetishes.

First off, I'd ask yourself if you really think he'd want to do your mom. If the answer is no, then focus on the main issue... he has this panty fetish. If you can get past your introduction into this fetish (your mom's undies), maybe try to embrace it so that he feels like you accept this part of him. See if he'd want to go undy shopping or something with you. Maybe that'll help you feel more settled, and him more comfortable.

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I do not think you are the one who needs help or guidance. Perhaps you should suggest your husband talk to some one first?

I know that this is hard, but try not to take this personally. The worst part of this is that he stole your mom's panties. The panty fetish, in and of itself, is not wrong. Panties (well, some at least) are really sexy; gorgeous, lacy, feminine, and worn near the most intimate part of a woman! Even the word "panties" sounds sexually exciting. So I think your bf's love of panties stems from his attraction to women, of which you are one.

I'm a 49yo man and have had a panty fetish since I was 12. I think if you were to go buy him a few pair of really nice ones, put them in a box and gift wrap them, then just casually say "here, I bought you something", then hand him the box, he will be pleasantly surprised. But don't stop there. Encourage him to try them on for you. I think this lead to some of the best sex you two have ever had. If you give him a spanking, it would be a real bonus. Let me know how it turns out.

Hello KateSpade1: Well... you've received some interesting responses, I must say! You know, the bottom (no pun intended) line here is, many people have fetishes. And there are all sorts of 'em. A panty fetish is certainly not one of the more difficult ones to adjust to.

The thing I want to focus on is how difficult this may be for your BF. I'm an older male who has been transgendered his whole life, but kept it deeply hidden. I'm married & I've lived a more-or-less normal male life. But while I was living this more-or-less normal male life, my insides were, & still are, in constant turmoil. The guilt & shame I have felt over this has been unrelenting.

I obviously don't know how your BF feels about his panty fetish. But I just want to say, particularly if this is a secret he has been keeping for many years, he may have some deep-seated anxiety & / or shame associated with it. It's possible, maybe even likely, that as a child & teenager, he was borrowing panties from his mother or sisters. And he may feel some deep-seated embarrassment over this too.

I think, from this perspective, it's important to tread lightly here; especially if you yourself are seriously conflicted regarding the matter. If you could just go out, buy him an assortment of panties, & proceed to have great sex, this might be liberating for him. (I say "might" because I know, in my own case, something of this sort would be profoundly embarrassing.) However, my sense, from reading your post, is that you're probably not at a place to do that. A "fall-back" position may be to simply acknowledge his fetish, allow him to pursue it, but not become involved in it yourself. But I also wonder if perhaps some therapy or counseling services, individual, & perhaps couples, may not be useful here. Of course, your BF may or may not be open to therapy as far as his participation in it goes. You can certainly arrange services for yourself.

Under any circumstances, I do hope you keep posting here on PC with regard to this. There are many very knowledgeable people here who can offer sound council. BTW, might it be possible your BF would be interested in joining PC himself? My best wishes to you.

Hi KateSpade1 - I'm in a similar position. Ive been with my husband for nearly 6 years and 3 years ago I discovered his thong fetish. I have OCD myself which is hooked on infidelity and I had a hard time taking this in. He used to buy me thong presents when we first met, but after a while I had 200 and knew there was something 'different' going on. My OCD told me it was another woman due to the fact I knew many of the thongs in my drawer had been worn. We had to split up before he told me the truth and then one day I discovered him with all the paraphernalia. Including shoes, basque the lot. Its been very hard to take in. He told me he has had this fetish since he was 8 - he was involved in a sexual act with an older girl which involved panties. Since then he stole his sisters, mothers whoever's underwear to masturbate with. He has hidden it all his life until now. One part of me understands and supports what he has been through, the other part hates what he does. It makes me feel redundant and turns me off massively. There is a correlation between our sex life and this fetish, in that when the fetish is high we dont have sex much. The fetish also peaks and troughs according to his general mental state I have noticed. It can almost disappear altogether for months and then the parcels start arriving again and he 'disappears' mentally and emotionally. Ebay is a nightmare and sometimes he buys used ones which I just can't get my head around. Its just starting up again now and my old anxiety is rising accordingly. Rationally, it doesnt matter, emotionally it kind of does. To me anyway. I tolerate it, try not to hassle him about it, but deep down I feel very alone. I've had counselling, so I 'get it'. I just wish it wasn't part of our lives. I know it won't go away. It's great finding this forum. I need support.