Turning down the ladies.

I'll be making my official move out of Mom and Dad's house in about a week. I'm off to room with a good buddy of mine in a fairly big college town. I'm pretty excited about the change, I think it's going to be a lot of fun. But one thing in particular has me a bit nervous. Really nervous, in fact.

For those who don't know, I am severely averse to ever having any kind of sexual contact with someone. Problem is, it's kinda hard to avoid sexystuffs at the age of 21.
I'll try to say this without sounding like some kind of self-obsessed a-hole: I'm a fit, active, and (I've been told) decently attractive. I don't find girls difficult to talk to at all and I try to be funny and nice with them in social situations. The down-side to this is that I consequently get a bit more attention from girls then I would want. It only happened a few times in high school; I'd be getting along with a girl, she'd get a bit too friendly or handsy with me and I'd make up some excuse to get away from her ASAP. And that would be that. It was high school. No biggie.
But this new crowd that I'll soon find myself living around, they're clearly comfortable with sex on a level that you'd probably expect from people my age and in college. Whenever I hang out with them, stories of sexuality, sexual exploits, and sexual joking comes up quite often. I just sort of smile and laugh with the rest of them, never contributing to the conversation.

The thing is, that attention I got in high school, I feel pretty safe in assuming it's going to get worse. Sex is going to be wayyyy more prominent and surround me more than it ever has. I'm going to hang out girls, there are going to be girls in my social outings, the few parties I do go to have always had girls. Inhibited girls, no less.

Fact is, I don't know how to handle sexual advances. I've never really had to deal with them before.

I don't know how I'm going to;

A: Say "no" in such a way so as to not hurt anybody's feelings. Up 'till now, I could always both turn girls away as well as stay on good terms with them. But that's because I wasn't blocking sex itself, just the stuff that leads up to it. People I didn't really know, project partners and the like, who inquired about my relationship status were always a bit shocked when I told them I was still a virgin. Shocked, but somewhat impressed. In high school, it's a virtue. But once we start getting into college age, it's a bit weird.

B: Not arouse suspicion in my friends. No one knows about my predisposition towards sex. But all of my close friend have girlfriends, all of whom are awesome people with whom I get along great. Boys being boys, they talk about the sexual nature of their relationships from time to time. How long am I going to be able to pass unnoticed without ever having had a relationship? Surely they'll try to set me up with some girl or another. Ugh, it's just a big mess.

So, ladies and gentlemen, I appreciate any advice I can get. It'll go a long way towards making my new college life a little less awkward.

Thanks!

I was in a similar position when I started college. Back then, being a virgin was far less the norm than today. My experience with these things is honesty (or comfortably close to it) is the best policy. Just tell them you don't like casual sex and aren't looking for an intimate relationship right now. You'd be surprised how many people will admire you for being up front and real. Those who don't respect your choice and feelings aren't worth worrying about anyway.

There's nothing wrong with not wanting to pursue sexual relationships. I am curious though, can you share your reasoning for not pursuing a relationship?

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Ever since I've been able to have sexual feelings, they have made me feel absolutely terrible. I have never been able to feel anything but rage, extreme depression, self-loathing, and other such unpleasant emotions from acting on my sexual impulses.
To put it simply; I don't equate sex as an act of affection. To me it's a terrible thing that I could never ever do, especially to someone I would care about. That would be even worse.
It's for this reason that I have always made a conscious effort to avoid relationships. I couldn't ever expect someone to be like me. I understand that sex is a normal expression of emotion for almost everyone else.

If you're genuinely curious, I made a thread about it a while back. It's a bit dusty, but it goes into more detail:
http://forums.psychcentral.com/sexua...-anorexia.html

Thank you for your reply!

I think you need to be able to come to the root of why you think that way. Sex can be wonderful. Until those demons are dealt with, this will be a hard place for you. And thanks. I'll definitely read the thread.

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I agree with Angel...it'd be one thing if you're simply asexual, but your disdain towards sex isn't motivated by a lack of interest, but a total hatred of it. I think there's a distinct difference. You need to confront and learn to overcome why you feel this way...if you've still no interest in sex, that's not a problem, but harboring such deep resentment over it is.

Thank you both very sincerely for your interest, but I can't imagine what else I could do. I've been to two therapists already. And then there's the fact that I very much do not want to accept sexuality. I've been at odds with it my whole life, it's a part of who I am. Sure I wish more than anything that I didn't always feel like I'm constantly waging war on myself, but I've been looking for solutions for years and found next to nothing. I think I'm just going to have to be struggling for the foreseeable future. I know that's not the best outlook, but hey, there it is.

Which lands me in the quandary of having to turn down advances from women. Heck I've had to give one or two boys the cold shoulder before.
Let me give my most recent example to kind of illustrate my point:
When I was on a cross-country hike, I spent one night in the company of a group of college kids out for an evening of casual camping. I got along great with them and they invited me to come hang out by their fire and have a few drinks. I happily obliged.
But there was this one girl with them who was showing my "warning signs" of getting just noticeably too friendly with me. I shrugged it off. Somehow I ended up sitting next to her by the fire, she has a few drinks, and before I know it, she's all snuggled up against me and all but groping my side while the rest of the group is happily singing campfire songs. I am, naturally, freaked out. I have no idea what to do. So I just kind of brushed her off of me, announced that I had a big day of hiking to do tomorrow, and headed back to my own camp. I saw her again the next morning and she kept apologizing for anything she might have done to offend me. I responded to all of her concerns with a smile and a reassurance that it was "No big deal."
But to me, it had very much been a big deal. This girl could not have been clearer with her intentions and I had no clue what to say to politely turn her down without being kind of a jerk, kind of a killjoy, or more than kind of awkward. All the other people there just seemed to kind of, I don't know, except what was happening. It weirded me out because of how completely off-the-table the potential situation was for me personally, versus how normal the concept seems to be for most everyone else my age.

These are the kinds of situations I'm worried are going to crop up here and there. As StrongerMan said, honestly is of course the best policy. But I'm still feeling out of my league here.

A big thank you to everybody who has taken the time to respond so far, much appreciated!

We live in a much more open minded world then we did 20+ years ago. I too do not like sex (the physical act kind of repulses me) and I think some of it stems from my very conservative up bringing. I have a hard time associating sex as objectification. My rational mind knows that sexual intimacy can be very good way of affirming your partner but because my mother in particular shamed for the one or two times as a teen age boy I was found with images of women (one time a picture from a Playboy and a couple of times with Victoria Secret pages) and embarrassed me beyond words when I had a girl in my bedroom whom I was so naive didn't know she was flirting with me. The doors were open but we were upstairs and "All teenagers are out to have sex." speech I think traumatized me some.

I didn't lose my virginity until I was 20 and it was with someone who I didn't know saw me that way. I was inexperienced with sexual attraction, had been drinking and she kind of seduced me into doing something that my very conservative background told me I shouldn't have done. I rejected her advances for a month or so and tried to avoid close and personal interactions with her (hard to do since I was a live in care taker of her 5 year old son) but I had a night of weakness and lost my virginity. It was complicated by the fact that she was in an off again on again relationship with the husband she was separated from. So I felt I helped a woman have an affair.

I am also bi-polar and during periods of depression I tend to not feel like being intimate with my wife. I feel guilty about it because I fear she will feel unattractive or worse that I am meeting my sexual needs elsewhere, which I would never do because of my over compensation of my childhood and the whole objectification thing. But I tend to be hyposexual (not sexually interested) most times and right now being hypomanic I am dealing with hyper sexuality and I am afraid this new found sexual appetite will confuse her because my sexual appetite is very high. The internal struggle to not make her feel like a tool to satisfy my physical desire for sexual release makes me want to sneak away and watch porn which then makes me feel like a perv because of shame issues. Again my rational mind knows sex is a biological function and as long as it doesn't consume my life and detrimentally affect my relationships it is normal.

I guess the short of it is, we are becoming more aware of the complexities of sexuality and how it shouldn't be pigeon holed into a category of "acceptable", that is to say whether you have a more intense sexual appetite or don't have one at all. Whether you want to have a partner of the opposite sex or the same or not entirely sure or want to experiment it is fine as long as you and the people you are with are okay with that. Don't put to much pressure on yourself because it will compound your feelings and make it harder to better understand what you really want.

Lastly, surround yourself with people who can accept that you are not, at this point in your life, and you may never have an interest in physical intimacy. There is no need to go any further then to be honest and share enough for people to try to understand. Like some others have said many people will validate your position. There will be some who don't but that will happen no matter what you are talking about, whether you like sex or liver and onions. You may get "Cool, I don't understand it, but cool." to "You don't know what you are missing." to "Dude what is wrong with you." to "Freak." But more then likely people will fall into the prior few areas then the latter and the ones that do have an issue with it are not evolved or immature and not worth your time.

I hope you find YOUR place of comfort about sex and/or the lack there of. Not having sex isn't hurting anyone so if you are good with that then that is all that matters.

You know, I'm all for honesty is the best policy, with certain people. If people you care about are concerned about you, by all means open up to them. If some girl you don't know if hitting on you and you don't want to hurt her, you could just say no thanks I'm in a long distance relationship or I just got out of a relationship. There is no reason everyone on Earth needs to know your business. But maybe that's me. I'm extremely private and I'd feel like they'd have no right to pry into my life.

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I'm with Izzy on this one.
People are known to be nosey and judgemental. If I were you I would just let the general population believe I'm in committed LDR. At worst they think you're weird for being faithful to a girl you hardly see.

Thanks everybody for your replies!

I'm officially moved in with my new crowd and so far any intrusive questions haven't materialized. But when they do I'll be sticking with the mindset the honesty is the best policy for people I'm close with while vague dismissiveness is best for those with whim I am not.
I'm sure to stick out like a sore thumb eventually. People all around me are in serious relationships, many of them over four or even five years running. But so long as people keep up this respectful minding of their own business, I'll be fine.

I can really, really relate to this. Im 20 myself and I am having the exact same experience as yourself.

I've been in college a few years now. Thankfully, ive only found myself in intimate situations with girls on a couple of occasions. I would also be described as reasonably good looking, I lift weights etc. but not many girls approach me. I get lots of looks, but not many approaches. I'm pretty sure its because I never send signals to girls or react to their signals. Perhaps you receive girls flirting too enthusiastically? I know it sounds terrible, but perhaps be a little less open and friendly if that is the case (bad sacrifice to make, but it should work).

As for the friends, well my close friends all know my situation, some are understanding, some just downright take the p*ss. It doesn't bother when they mock me when its just us, but it can be a bit embarrassing in public, which I can usually play off very well, as for whatever reason people that don't know me well, think I pull lots of girls. I don't know why, because I may kiss a girl once or twice a year, and that's just my annual act of intimacy to appear normal.

Goodluck mate. Not to sound too corny, but be true to yourself. Don't cave in to the pressure of others if its not something you want to do.

I am +1 for honesty out of of concern for all of those girls who otherwise would end up feeling rejected.

I too, am concerned for the teeming masses of girls who continuously flock to me like lustful pigeons drawn to my proverbial bread crumb of manliness.

Jokes aside, the more serious any advance seems to be, the more serious and sincere I will be about handling it honestly.
If some drunk girl I barely even know is all up on me at a party trying to get laid or something like that, I don't feel I need to take the time to sit her down and bear my soul to her in explaining why I won't engage in sexytimes. Any excuse should do.
However, if someone was to appear to be honest and earnest in their advances, then I would certainly take the time to tell them the whole truth so was to avoid any wrongly bruised feelings or egos.

I make excuses and get away from them too. Sometimes they're shocked, some girls expect boys to be all over them if they ask for petty help, but I am quite honest if somewhat rude, one girl even asked me if I was not into girls, I didn't respond with either a positive or negative.

I think the policy of "the more serious the interest the more open the disclosure" is a good one. The only "untoward" thing that can happen with such a policy is is meeting a gal like me who would feel challenged by the impediment. It could be simply out of a desire to overcome unusual challenges (the reasoning would go along the lines of "it is no big deal to attract a regular guy - they flock to me en masse anyway - but this one... this one... this one poses a challenge I want to to conquer" or along the lines of "oh poor creature! It is as if an evil sorcerer had put him under a spell. I must try my best to free this man from the wicked black magic. Oh poor thing... and so delightfully attractive at that".

So beware of those who are up to special challenges

All the girls that learned I was a virgin in high school were pretty shocked as well. I guess it's because I was always nice to girls and just kinda did my own thing, wasn't a **** like a lot of other guys I hung out with. I also wouldn't be surprised if some people I know well who aren't aware of my sexual aversion, ans that's everybody but my parents, start to wonder if I might be gay after a while.

Hadn't considered that. I'll be on my guard!

Just for the record, if you ever decide to ditch whatever hellish, woman attracting magic that you are so suffering with...I'll take it.

But glad to hear things are going thus far well with the new roommates.

This cracked me up! Lmfao

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