Poly... something

I guess this belongs here rather than relationships, because... well, I'll get to that.

Five years ago a friend and I mistook our friendship for something more and tried to make a relationship where there wasn't one. We broke it off after a few weeks, and it did strain our friendship, but we got over it. Today she is my best friend.

For about a year, I dated a few women, but only casually. Then I met someone who made all the others look like... well they weren't even on my radar anymore. We fell and fell deeply. We moved in together and were even planning on getting married. And to top it off, she and my best friend (the aforementioned) became best friends. She, the friend, even lived with us for awhile after her apartment building caught fire.

On one hand things were wonderful, but on the other they were not well at all. My aspergers was dissolving my relationship with my fiancee, and I never even saw it until the day she asked me to move out. That was two months ago. For awhile, everything hurt. Everywhere I looked, I saw happy couples doing happy couple things and was reminded of all the things I should have been doing but never thought to. I found it hard to be around my nephews who are all about the same age as the ex's youngest boy -- who was only a year old when we got together and will be five this year. What little bit of my life wasn't a complete wreck only served as a reminder of everything that was gone. When I saw or spoke to my best friend, I always knew in the back of my mind that she was friends with my ex-fiancee, too.

And I'm getting to the reason I put this in sex issues and not coping with emotions. The ex and I maintained contact for the kids' sake. I finally realized how much the Asperger's was to blame in how emotionally abandoned and physically unwanted I had made her feel while we were together, and I opened up to her about this. Somehow, our relationship went from strained to amicable to friends again to physical, even though we know that I cannot give her what she needs emotionally. I guess it was this knowledge --that while we both craved the physical, anything romantic would only lead to opening the same wounds-- that allowed us to pursue the physical relationship with abandon. We have talked about fantasies and tried to fulfill each others'. We have both experienced things with each other we'd never experienced before. And it turns out that one of those fantasies involves the aforementioned mutual best friend.

We had a pretty good idea she'd be receptive from things that had happened between each of us in the past. And she was. We talked. And talked and talked and talked some more. We established what roles we were taking, safety precautions, guidelines for making sure we continue to nurture our friendships outside of the physical relationship, what we would do if one of us met someone else... everything we could think to talk about. We even drew up a contract, so to speak. And we have become physical.

It's not a couple bringing in a third, it's not quite polyamory, it's not friends with benefits, it's not quite more-than-friends... its just fantastic, fun, and fulfilling.

So, my questions/issues are as follows:
Is this a recipe for disaster? Is polyamory without allowing romantic entanglements to develop even a possibility? And how on earth is it possible that a guy who can't stand to be hugged can engage in sexual activities with two women at once? All of which lead to... Am I completely insane?

I'll give my opinion on this one in a moment.

Yup, completely possible. My neighbors were swingers and they could have all kinds of switches and swaps and stuff without developing a romantic entanglement.

It might actually be more comfortable to you because the emotional aspect won't be involved. I bet that's what makes it so you don't like being hugged.

Okay, back to this. Personally I think something rotten in Denmark and I do believe that this particular situation can be recipe for disaster. People often unconsciously substitute physical for emotional connections, but they still crave the emotional connection and I think that's probably what your ex is looking for. Personally, I would tread very carefully with this situation because she seems to be getting attached again.

This is a propos of Asperges, not polyamory. I know a couple of women who have complaints about partners, or former partners, with Asperges. The women themselves don't have Asperges. So I am wondering, since you have heard your share of complaints, whether you are in therapy to learn social skills and to learn to read verbal and non-verbal hints sent to you by others.

How I wish I could tell you that's not the case... didn't take long, but yeah, she wants more. Problem is it's more than I am capable of.

That's the thing about attachment; it creates an unrealistic image of someone. Like you said, what she wants you aren't capable of giving and it's not your fault. It's the unreasonable expectation that you should be something other than what you are.

I would suggest sitting down with her and explaining gently that you just aren't capable of being everything she deserves. You love her and want her to be happy and that she would be happier with someone who can fulfill her needs. It would be best if you guys stayed "hands-off" to avoid her developing that attachment any further.

Sorry Best of luck.