My predicament

Hello everyone, I need something, I don't know what I'm looking for..

I know there are others like me, but i've always found myself to be different to the other boys. I guess we all have fantasies when we're young, I aspired to look like female celebs and cartoon characters while my friends would be the exact opposite. When I was young, i was often told I could very easily pass for a girl, which lead to a bit of bullying and teasing also. Not much has changed today, just the facial hair.... grr...

Anyway, every time I look at a girl, I feel jealous, disappointed, depressed because i can't be like them, the long hair, the freedom they have when it comes to how they can look. The femininity. Damnit, I want to be like that! because that's the 'real me' I am inside. When I look in the mirror, It hurts. It's not that I hate my face, by the way.

I had a girlfriend once, and I've never had problem with girls. My relationship with my girlfriend was one of great mystery to me. I loved to be with her, infatuated with her beautiful looks, I could look at her for hours on end. but it tore me up inside because I didn't look like her. As for the 'relationship' part, I didn't really feel like I want intimacy, and the actual thought of sex never once occurred to me. We quietly separated from each other.

I often fantasize about being a girl, putting myself in the 'girlfriend' role in my fantasies, with a boy. 99% of my fantasies are like this the other 1% is me being a princess. Yet, In real life, I can't imagine or like to imagine me and another guy dating or making out?

Here's where it gets weird for me, if I magically turned into a girl for a day, Say someone casted a spell, i'd be ok with it? If I see a couple somewhere, I f i was the girl, I'd like it? I think it has something to do with my gender body image? or is it because i don't want to see myself as gay? what could it be? Even in this case, i can't go beyond kissing and intimacy? i could be with a guy but only if i'm a girl or at least cross dressed as a girl?

sex just kind of repulses me?

As for my private parts, i'd rather not talk about them (Don't like em).