[MissyD]

I've been in a relationship with a guy for 3 years. We've always been very close, trust is still something we both work on but I've never worried about him cheating on me or anything. I have 2 daughters, 7 and 3 who live with us.

A few months back I was browsing the history (one habit of mine from a past relationship that I still can't break) and found some porn on there that threw me off. It was a search of "mother daughter brother" that brought up a video I couldn't bring myself to watch. Early on in the relationship my oldest daughter's father accused my current boyfriend of trying to molest my daughter. She had almost never been alone with him, it was nothing but brief, 10 to 20 minutes at best. I felt like it was more my ex and ex's mother who were trying to create a bridge between me and him. We'd only been in the relationship about a year and it took a huge toll on him. He's never mentioned being molested or anything like that to me, and although he plays with my daughters (tickling, play fighting, stuff I've never viewed as inappropriate) I have never had a reason to believe he was at all interested in them.

When I did confront him about the porn, he said it wasn't two people who were related, that was just the search he had to use to find the video, and that it was actually about a younger couple who has a mother figure step in (not literal mother) and... well, move things along, show the younger girl what to do and how to do it.

He's since been very good at hiding any of his porn, and I couldn't bring myself to watch the video before confronting him and really have no way of finding it.

I'm not sure whether I should be worried that he does have fantasies about my daughter/s or just see this as a strange fetish of his and move on.
Help?

[Webgoji]

With limited information, it could just be a fantasy/fetish. Much like the Daddy/Daughter fantasy. There's lots of those videos out there that aren't real, but roleplaying and that may be what he's into.

I would surmise that it would help for you and him to talk through it for your own comfort level. Communication is important at all levels of a relationship and communication about sexuality is of utmost importance so if he enjoys those mommy/daughter fantasies, it would help for you to know about them. If he's really into the real thing ... well ... that's another issue altogether.

Sorry, I would have issues with this.....

He would be history for me.

Red flag, red flag, red flag. I am not suggesting guilt, however......
In my eyes, if you are into that AND ARE SINGLE then that's one thing.....if you are into that and start dating a woman with children, then your thinking should automatically change from "this is hot", to "this is disgusting". In other words, his emotion should be dictating his morals. And it's clearly not.

[MissyD]

Yeah, it set me off a bit. I don't know how to bring up the subject again without seriously upsetting him.

I feel like trying to restrict what he watches when he's alone is a bit too much for any person, especially when it comes to porn. Typically I wouldn't even make an issue about it but it just threw me off, and since then I have done nothing but deeply regret deciding not to watch the video. It's not the first thing I've found like that, there was another video I decided to watch that was a mother, step daughter and boyfriend situation (which really upset me, because the mother looked similar to me and the step daughter very similar to my oldest daughter) I really guess I just want to know if, god knows he's a great guy and I could never assume this, if it is something way more complicated, would there be any other signs?

Well, him being seriously upset means something.....

I don't want to tell you what to do, but I am opinionated ...Sorry...

I had a friend with 2 little girls....you know the rest....So that's why red flags go up for me.

It's fine to request that he never look at that genre again.. It's a fair request.
You should be able to see what he's been looking at....meaning, is he trying to hide it? Why?
Don't forget that porn is acting....these people are not related.
Watch porn with him....I watch with my husband or we don't watch. I'm not controlling, he simply doesn't care to watch alone.....(we make a lot of fun of them and it tends to lead to other things so....)

But those would be MY demands or requests.....explain your discomfort. If he isn't willing to take care of you in this way....then ask why. Are you not important? Is he an open book or not? Why does he need to hide what he does online?

Just some thoughts.....Good luck and email me if you want to discuss more...

[hamster-bamster]

I had a gf... she had one daughter with a guy whom she divorced because he was not ambitious enough. I have never met him but based on her stories, he was a totally nice guy.

My friend acquired a bf, who was 15 years older and an exec at a national chain of stores. He retired and decided to make money off porn. One thing led to another, and in the meantime my friend's daughter grew to be a sexpot teen - naturally blonde very long thick hair, tall and long-legged enough for basketball team, and with a pretty face.

I will skip the gory details.

In the end, the former exec lost all his retirement money in a settlement because the Playboy sued him for copyright violation. He and my friend separated, and she was penniless. The daughter went to live with her father (that nice guy who lacked ambition turned out to be the most solid, stable support she had I life). He put her through college in SoCal. Last time I heard from my friend, she called asking me to wire her a little money to pay for her phone. I did. Oh, and she told me that her daughter tried to have her admitted into psych er. I don't know what happened later, and since they have very common names, I cannot find them online.

this is not a cautionary tale since your circumstances might be different, but...but...

[Alone & confused]

With young children in the house, I would be concerned! If he can watch such things & not be repulsed by it as you were, then there's a chance he may not see anything wrong with it. I won't get into many details, but I've had some experiences with this. If a man fantasizes, thinks about, talks about or entertains himself with inappropriate behavior with children, he very well may act on it. I missed some "subtle" warning signs, didn't seem like much at the time. But in hind sight things became Obvious to me! Just be careful & Trust your gut instinct if you think there's even a slightest chance that somethings not right! It's better to err on the side of caution, than to live with regret!

[MissyD]

Thank you everyone, all I want is just a few others thoughts.

Him and I have been together for a while and I couldn't just break it off over thoughts. He's been my rock through some very traumatic events, but believe me when I say I'm extremely cautious. I still limit his alone time (with some subtle but believable excuses) I just hope I can find out one way or the other before this relationship goes any further. I would love for input from anyone in a similar situation. I know its a tough subject... I just don't have a lot f people to turn to for advice on this.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by MissyD

I've been in a relationship with a guy for 3 years. We've always been very close, trust is still something we both work on but I've never worried about him cheating on me or anything. I have 2 daughters, 7 and 3 who live with us.

A few months back I was browsing the history (one habit of mine from a past relationship that I still can't break) and found some porn on there that threw me off. It was a search of "mother daughter brother" that brought up a video I couldn't bring myself to watch. Early on in the relationship my oldest daughter's father accused my current boyfriend of trying to molest my daughter. She had almost never been alone with him, it was nothing but brief, 10 to 20 minutes at best. I felt like it was more my ex and ex's mother who were trying to create a bridge between me and him. We'd only been in the relationship about a year and it took a huge toll on him. He's never mentioned being molested or anything like that to me, and although he plays with my daughters (tickling, play fighting, stuff I've never viewed as inappropriate) I have never had a reason to believe he was at all interested in them.

When I did confront him about the porn, he said it wasn't two people who were related, that was just the search he had to use to find the video, and that it was actually about a younger couple who has a mother figure step in (not literal mother) and... well, move things along, show the younger girl what to do and how to do it.

He's since been very good at hiding any of his porn, and I couldn't bring myself to watch the video before confronting him and really have no way of finding it.

I'm not sure whether I should be worried that he does have fantasies about my daughter/s or just see this as a strange fetish of his and move on.
Help?

Are you comfortable with him watching porn?

Wait I'm confused. Was he watching child porn or was this adult porn? If it was adult porn then this isn't as much to be concerned of. The father of your eldest daughter accusing him of molesting her is a bigger concern and a warning sign I wouldn't ignore.

Originally Posted by MissyD

I've been in a relationship with a guy for 3 years. We've always been very close, trust is still something we both work on but I've never worried about him cheating on me or anything. I have 2 daughters, 7 and 3 who live with us.

A few months back I was browsing the history (one habit of mine from a past relationship that I still can't break) and found some porn on there that threw me off. It was a search of "mother daughter brother" that brought up a video I couldn't bring myself to watch. Early on in the relationship my oldest daughter's father accused my current boyfriend of trying to molest my daughter. She had almost never been alone with him, it was nothing but brief, 10 to 20 minutes at best. I felt like it was more my ex and ex's mother who were trying to create a bridge between me and him. We'd only been in the relationship about a year and it took a huge toll on him. He's never mentioned being molested or anything like that to me, and although he plays with my daughters (tickling, play fighting, stuff I've never viewed as inappropriate) I have never had a reason to believe he was at all interested in them.

When I did confront him about the porn, he said it wasn't two people who were related, that was just the search he had to use to find the video, and that it was actually about a younger couple who has a mother figure step in (not literal mother) and... well, move things along, show the younger girl what to do and how to do it.

He's since been very good at hiding any of his porn, and I couldn't bring myself to watch the video before confronting him and really have no way of finding it.

I'm not sure whether I should be worried that he does have fantasies about my daughter/s or just see this as a strange fetish of his and move on.
Help?

1. If the girls father and grandmother seriously believed their daughter/granddaughter had been a victim of CSA, don't you think they would have pursued that through legal channels and counseling for the child?
2. If you ask a question like this here where most members have been abused, do you really expect and objective opinion?
3. You violated your bf's privacy. Snooping, lack of trust. That is a major violation... no rationalizing changes that.
If your suspicion is this strong then you need to resolve it with the person involved... your bf. I don't see this relationship going anywhere. If my gf had suspicions like this about me, I'd want to know, because I'd be packing and moving that very day. Think about it if you don't understand.

[MissyD]

100% comfortable with him watching porn. It was just the mother/daughter theme that upset me. I never watched the porn and was worried that it was incest and possibly a warning sign to look further into the molestation accusations.

Lycanthrope, my ex is abusive and controlling just like his mother. The accusations were that my 7 year old (4 then) had told them he made her feel "uncomfortable"
When I asked her about the conversation she just said she doesn't like when she tells him to stop tickling her and he doesn't right away. Also, she had no clue what the word uncomfortable meant. It, according to my boyfriend, was all adults in the porn. I never watched the video and have no clue.

George...
1 They're controlling manipulative jerks who were just trying to start a fight with a guy who had been new to my life. I knew that from the beginning. Just added it for background.
2. I guess I should have thought more about that. I was honestly just hoping people with experience would be able to help me see if I have something that counts more as warning signs or my ridiculously messed up head creating things that aren't true like it's done in the past. I guess I should plan out future posts a bit better, thank you for that.
3. Yes, there is no rationalizing it. After a 5 year relationship with my oldest daughter's father that was full of lies, mistrust, abuse, rape and plenty of other exciting details I don't exactly cope with people who hide or lie very well, and I have seen my boyfriend do both of these things. Not on the level I dealt with before, but it's clear he doesn't tell me everything. I don't like people, generally, I believe almost all of them are liars. It's scary, when you can't trust a damn soul because of the naivety that crippled you when you were younger. He's the closest I've gotten to anyone in years and while I love him with all my heart I know if there was something like that going on in his head, he wouldn't tell me. And I know I'm naive enough to fall for a good liar. Not sure if it's a risk I want to take, but yeah, that's why I came here. I was hoping to get some insight from someone who had been on this road before to help me. You aren't in this relationship, thankfully, so though I appreciate your advice, it doesn't seem to really add anything to the conversation I was trying to pull up.

The vast majority of incest porn there isn't real incest taking place. It's just a fantasy acting out like you get a 25 year old playing the role of a schoolgirl, doesn't mean the guy is into little girls.

If it's adult porn then it's not much to be concerned about in terms of him being a danger to your kids.

You don't owe me any explanation. I just thought a little objectivity and clarity might help. And yes I think we should both be happy I'm not in that relationship but that possibility was a non-starter
I'm pretty good at reading people and it seems there is some other important background that you are leaving out. That's fine... everyone is entitled to privacy.
Your answer did add a bit more info. That tickling thing would bother me. Kids like to be tickled but they have their limits. It shouldn't be hard to realize when that limit has been reached.

I'm not sure what you are trying to elicit here. Support we can do. Making your decisions is not something we can do. I think you'll know what you need to do when the time comes. Good luck

Originally Posted by MissyD

100% comfortable with him watching porn. It was just the mother/daughter theme that upset me. I never watched the porn and was worried that it was incest and possibly a warning sign to look further into the molestation accusations.

Lycanthrope, my ex is abusive and controlling just like his mother. The accusations were that my 7 year old (4 then) had told them he made her feel "uncomfortable"
When I asked her about the conversation she just said she doesn't like when she tells him to stop tickling her and he doesn't right away. Also, she had no clue what the word uncomfortable meant. It, according to my boyfriend, was all adults in the porn. I never watched the video and have no clue.

George...
1 They're controlling manipulative jerks who were just trying to start a fight with a guy who had been new to my life. I knew that from the beginning. Just added it for background.
2. I guess I should have thought more about that. I was honestly just hoping people with experience would be able to help me see if I have something that counts more as warning signs or my ridiculously messed up head creating things that aren't true like it's done in the past. I guess I should plan out future posts a bit better, thank you for that.
3. Yes, there is no rationalizing it. After a 5 year relationship with my oldest daughter's father that was full of lies, mistrust, abuse, rape and plenty of other exciting details I don't exactly cope with people who hide or lie very well, and I have seen my boyfriend do both of these things. Not on the level I dealt with before, but it's clear he doesn't tell me everything. I don't like people, generally, I believe almost all of them are liars. It's scary, when you can't trust a damn soul because of the naivety that crippled you when you were younger. He's the closest I've gotten to anyone in years and while I love him with all my heart I know if there was something like that going on in his head, he wouldn't tell me. And I know I'm naive enough to fall for a good liar. Not sure if it's a risk I want to take, but yeah, that's why I came here. I was hoping to get some insight from someone who had been on this road before to help me. You aren't in this relationship, thankfully, so though I appreciate your advice, it doesn't seem to really add anything to the conversation I was trying to pull up.

[hannabee]

Okay it must be me, but I certainly see something wrong with watching and fantasizing about a school age girl who is dressed to look like a school age girl even IF she's really not that age!

[MissyD]

Growing up I had an uncle who tickled me and wouldn't stop when I said stop. He never did anything to me though, it was just a game.

I don't know, I guess I was just looking for things to watch out for.

[MissyD]

Originally Posted by hannabee

Okay it must be me, but I certainly see something wrong with watching and fantasizing about a school age girl who is dressed to look like a school age girl even IF she's really not that age!

Yeah I've never been too fond of the whole schoolgirl thing myself. I think its something to do with guys instinctively going for young, fertile girls. That, and the untouchable factor.

Just stopped in to see how you are doing.

Your very best friend is your intuition. Rely on that. You have some opinions from here but it can be a little overwhelming and it sometimes can cause you to be even more confused than you thought you were....

If I was in your position, I would file this information and the whole situation away in the back of your mind....Perhaps just mention that, since you are a mom, that genre is extremely uncomfortable and you would appreciate if he would avoid it.

Do your girls know about the "no-no square"? It's not scary like a lot of things to do with this topic can be.

Hugs to you.

[hamster-bamster]

Missy,

Can you search the history and watch that video? It may be quite innocent compared to what your mind suspects it is, or it may be horrendous beyond your worst nightmare, or, finally, it may roughly match your suspicions. Either way, the unknown danger factor will go away, and your mind will be more at ease. Is it technically possible to retrieve the video from the history?

Sent from my SGH-T889 using Tapatalk

[veronicamarie]

Well that whole topic is very crazy and scary and you might never know but once claims have been made about him or asumptions ( forgot how to spell that word) you will never be able to view that person the same again and won't fully trust them and right there the relationship is dead I think you should break up with him because you will never know those claims are serious you know even if the childs father keeps saying that the child is being molested next time don't mention that your seeing anyone its non of his business but this one you should leave that porn is gross its insist even if the actors aren't really related the idea is that they are and that's why ppl like that porn because they want to imagine that they are related there is no excuses but like I said you will never know and you would never want to have your kids near someone like that when I was younger just starting puberty I use to sleep with the door shut every morning when I would wake up the door would be left open I always thought it was strange but never second guessed it my mother was friends with her boyfriends friends wife and she said that her husband mentioned to her that my moms boyfriend made comments about how well I'm filling out my mother left him soon as she heard tha even if she thought it was true or not she knew she would never look at him the same again and she also told me he would sleep naked and go to the bathroom at night naked she told him to stop because what if I woke up and saw him like that point of this story is at night he would sneak in my room idk if he tried anything or just layed in bed with me or who knows what but he's the one who was leaving my door open , but like I said this situation isn't a good one and your already suspicious and that your kids father is saying something about that it would just be best to end it

Sent from my myTouch_4G_Slide using Tapatalk 2

Originally Posted by hannabee

Okay it must be me, but I certainly see something wrong with watching and fantasizing about a school age girl who is dressed to look like a school age girl even IF she's really not that age!

You get female strippers dress in schoolgirl uniform. It's the uniform not wanting a little girl that's the turn on. Not every woman who likes a guy dressed as a cop wants sex with cops, it's the uniform on an attractive male.

[MissyD]

Sophie - My 7 year old is very aware of what is and isn't ok when it comes to her body, my 3 year old has a learning disorder though and her speech is a bit behind her level (about a year behind I'd say) so it's a little more difficult to make sure nobody does anything with her.
There have been other signs I've done the same with. Little things that bother me but that I could see myself easily blowing out of proportion. After my relationship with my ex I've gotten really good at that.

Hampster - He deleted it the moment I brought it up. I tried finding it after. I already intend to ask about it again in the future and request that both of us stop hiding our porn and make it a part of our sex life to discuss that. It's something I tried before but I have some pretty bad jealousy issues.

Veronica - My ex only made one accusation and after discussing the topic with my daughter she made it quite clear he never did anything like that. She just didn't like the way he tickled her. Him and I talked about it and he agreed not to tickle them for a while. Now he'll tickle them and it's brief. If I feel like it's going on for too long I'll tell him to stop.
The only time the door is open is if my daughter gets up to go to the bathroom at night. The few nights he does sleep without clothes he knows they're not even allowed in the room.
Ending this relationship would require uprooting both of my daughters that live with us, switching their schools, and finding somewhere to live with very little income. I can't work through the weekdays because my 3 year old is only in school 3 hours 3 days a week. I only work weekends and make 100 bucks a week at best. My 3 year old also doesn't do very well with large changes, like changing schools. It's a serious accusation, I know, but it's a serious relationship too, and just ending it over a few suspicious could cost me a lot more than a boyfriend.

[MissyD]

Originally Posted by Lycanthrope

You get female strippers dress in schoolgirl uniform. It's the uniform not wanting a little girl that's the turn on. Not every woman who likes a guy dressed as a cop wants sex with cops, it's the uniform on an attractive male.

That... Makes far more sense than what I said.

[hannabee]

Originally Posted by Lycanthrope

You get female strippers dress in schoolgirl uniform. It's the uniform not wanting a little girl that's the turn on. Not every woman who likes a guy dressed as a cop wants sex with cops, it's the uniform on an attractive male.

I guess I'm a prude in this respect. I'm racking my brain to come up with the male version of this. I wouldn't be turned on by a man dressed in short pants and a "school boy" uniform. I would think it's what the uniform signifies. Cops=power firemen=hero School girl=????

[allme]

I echo Lycan's thoughts....