[Yismymindblank12]

The other post it got figured out with my friend, I don't care bout that too much anymore. I learned not to talk bout my transgender me as a guy. I sometimes forget I'm in a position where psychosis clouds my brain where I can't see anything as relevant or feel real. So sometimes I say or act like a complete sociopathic ****.

The relevancy of that to my current post is that I've recently stopped and had a fear of talking to girls I don't know or in general in public unless my closest female friends which I have a lot and girls with a sketchy crowd of people who could do really crappy things to me because they are mean people.

What scares me the most, I'm afraid of it working, Yes it's the blatant truth I'm afraid of a relationship even happening to begin with. I'm also afraid of commitment sort of. I can do it, but it had to be so specific midas well not bother.

So I've came to the conclusion enjoy being single a lot. I do it's the best thing ever. I might end up eventually being what I do successfully in music and be asexual as a choice. I have that in me to some degree. It goes hand in hand with my transgender side of me, but I prefer to stick with my body I'm happy with it's not that horrible. Yes I get sad at times when I get really mean comments that are not even close to true just over exaggerated crap to get me upset to begin with from some girls.

I'm afraid, not because of them it's me. I'm afraid of myself blowing up in my overly misguided approach, because I can't tell what's real and what isn't I'm just wanting a normal convo and then sometimes not too often my brain gets in all light headed because of my medical issues and the room is spinning it's literally feels like I'm going to faint, not like fall faint, like my brain has pressure like it's having a stroke, I know it doesn't do it, but it's caused with the mix of anxiety of personal issues not generated by them and my neuro disorder.

I'm more afraid of doing anything with girls I don't know, girls I know and trust I have no issue because the ones I'm close to love me unconditionally as a close friend. I truly want that, to form sporatically from one moment and let it progress and grow, but this hinders me with mostly out of my control. I get depressed, because I can't help it.

I can't be honest without my real issues sprout and scare them away. Medically and my awkwardness. I mean very unique and sometimes weird for some people think I'm weird in a bad way. I feel like being so unique and lost in my own head is a good thing, but then again it's so different. I feel like they don't want that and I feel like they are ****** to personally go to my face and try to act some front when I purposely will ignore them and continue to look away and show my body language of pushing them away, because I don't want them to reject me first. I want to do the rejecting, not them because of a double standard.

I am attracted to women who are intelligent not seem intelligent are intelligent don't brag bout their successes and just enjoy the little things. Accepts non mono or at least enjoys swinging. I found this out within looking in myself for the last decade. I've found out. I love me, but I've gotten the best responses from people who don't be so mean to me and actually enjoy my company it's an entertainment in itself what hurts me the most is that. Why do some friends want to hook me up with people intentionally to think I would like them. It does me no benefit it's for their friend and I don't even ask for it. I don't know if they feel sorry for her and I find it mean that it came down to me thinking like this. So I still deal with a lot turning girls down I don't like with attractiveness. Yeah I like girls who look like sticks and at the same time I love girls who average and healthy looking.

I don't care bout weight, symmetry in face and hair color and eyes are the 1st three things I notice. It can vary from whatever race or religion. I don't care, I'm not picky, I just hate how that happens every time. I don't mean to sound like I'm an asshole, but I don't want to be the guy in the middle of the relationship by month 2 and really have to say "NOPE NOPE NOPE" this isn't working. I'd prefer honesty than lies any day. I'm not going to be a jerk and say things that aren't needed even if I mean some of them (that only happens when they treat me like crap).

I don't even worry bout it because I'm young and enjoying my life, I'd probably prefer this and be asexual as I get older maybe in a decade or two and still look like some hunk dude. Idk lol

To be honest, I don't want a marriage based on money, sex, or even silly stereotypical things of what she wants selflessly or what I want. I want a true balance, someone I can share still suffer with her and she suffers with me and it's ok. I mean on a basic level this is great, but me being non monogamous it has to be basically either a an open relationship physically. I can't change and the person has to be like me like this or it won't work ever.

It's too simple, I'd rather be single and make my own food be in an empty house occasionally have friends over, and not worry bout to feel like I have to impress or feel pressured everyday. I never felt love too much, I find it hopeless at times and i find it ok, but at the same time I'm conflicted is their even a person who is decent and understanding bout me through all my ********. So far I highly doubt it from all the encounters I've had all the time with girls is what is why that I'm starting to be afraid to talk to girls, but I won't let it consume me.

I'd prefer any day the girl came up to me just to chat not bout love sex or anything, just chat that's the only way to my heart, music talented and sound, food and enjoys cooking with me off and on. Just being friends. Eventually I want to introduce one more female with her not just me trying to find someone. I mean I want someone to know and feels passionate bout things like I do and mean it. Not out of guilt or trying to be the best out of insecurity like my previous mono relationships. It's never happened and I couldn't want anything else. Yeah the loving relationship emotionally and physically would help me it's how I am and I want someone to share that with one other female still open relationship, but I'd rather have it we are closed for like living together and being in the relationship not physically but like love and stuff. I don't get jealous too often anymore 99% I don't care, because I don't like drama, but some girls think I'm just apathetic altogether which does make me sad, because I know I do, but I can't express it any other way than the way I do best just being me.

Deep down I prefer what I listed, than being single and getting laid every night my life my perogative.

I'm still single and very happy, I would like some help and feedback, because this has gotten too far and I'm tired being trapped in my own body never wanting love or anything, not because I don't need it. In which I don't I just want to feel free at least that's it for now, I know It's a me me me thread, but seriously I've done too much for someone else I never got to enjoy me me me. I either was whipped in my earliest relationships or taken advantage of not because I was whipped, but unable to distinguish reality during my abusive ones in which I had a lot. I don't like cheating, I'd rather keep love than destroy it I make cheating equivalent to running my best friend over with a car in front of his mom and letting her see the damage herself. I don't like it and it might be why some girls want to leave, because I'm too "nice".

Yeah it seems that way, but I can't express what I feel in words, it's truly very difficult on here it's easy but in person. All I want to feel is feel beautiful and feel accepted be in a relationship with two women because it feels like me in love with my closest friends, because I wanted to be a lesbian. I'm not kidding my happiest feeling in my life was when I was surrounded by girlfriends of my sister who is very close to my age so our friends are basically the same and I felt I was one of them. Not kidding this is what brings me to intimacy and it what makes me turned on, but I always deny and self hate, because people don't understand.

I'm like a lot of women who do things for the sake of intimacy and it's what I've identified with all my life. I won't get a change. I'm happy with my looks and I'm getting looks a lot good ones too in general. I find it the best feeling in the world and I would be married or feel so grateful to take that responsibility even when it gets rough I can take it. I lived through hell and being singled out and just wanting to feel loved a certain way, but can't because a lot of people don't understand or relate or feel like you're not going to get what you want, because it's not normal is not fair, because it's always because I'm a guy. That does hurt me a lot. I'm proud being a guy, but I'm also proud having an inner woman and what I truly align with. The only thing that gets me so upset is that when I'm singled out because I'm a guy and no other logical reason from other men and women even if it is nothing bad.

It feels like I did something wrong because of what I'm stuck with, I feel like this is a huge thing in transgenders with how other people identify them and it hurts a lot because it's like an insult they can't stop acknowledging and then it feels like when you want to feel love or just love yourself, but sometimes can't because you know it doesn't feel right it isn't just me it's the ignorance and the lack of effort to show they care bout what you really feel. I can't tell a girl how I feel like most people can, because it's not normal and because of that. I'm alone, in the weirdest way.

[CantExplain]

You seem to know what you want in a woman. So far, so good.
But you may be setting your standards too high or your sights too narrow. There is no perfect woman.

I'm hearing you have a "script" worked out for the relationship, and you are afraid the woman won't follow the script. That is a real and reasonable fear. She will want to write her own lines!

[Yismymindblank12]

sort of, it's not so much changing the script, it's me as a person. It's happened every time, because I'm a guy. I find that not fair and I'd prefer a relationship yeah theirs expectations, but the biggest one I'm not going to change them and accept them and they should accept me. It's just a standard outline. You maybe right. I'm not too sure.

I'd be happy if she speaks her mind or their minds and be open minded, but I'm not wanting disrespectful drama where I have to be this type of guy for it to work, because I won't do it to her. That's all

[Yismymindblank12]

I don't find perfection in what most people think even if she isn't stellar or the prettiest or even the most popular it's ok with me. The fact she exists on a standard basis is good enough, also being poly it's the same. I don't care bout favorites yeah I may ask one girl to something more than the other not as in a favorite thing, but as my choice, but I want the ladies I'm in the relationship with as a basic rule is communication and speak up I'm listening. I want to be called out I want to do this right. I get so scared because of it happening before where I'm forced down to be expected to things for her and it's my fault for not speaking up in the very beginning and I've not made that mistake since my last 8 failed relationships. I don't want them to feel inferior I don't want to feel inferior. I prefer it naturally grow, but please don't be disrespectful. I want like minded women who appreciate me and my existence and don't ask me to be anything but there for them. That's it

[Yismymindblank12]

I just give it time, but it does scare me when some women come up to me. Yeah I can talk to them, but I'm more than afraid, because how they immediately come up. Dropping some changes like I gotta follow or else. I don't like women who do that, it's very degrading to me, feeling like I have to be a dog as expected because it's required to date her to be rewarded with whatever. I find it silly, I'm not into that. It's my number one fear being locked into something I don't want to be in that's not a relationship, just more codependent like abuse. I treat her like a human if I want to be chivalrous or a gentleman I'll go out my way on my own perogative out of my heart, not that I'm required like it's some law. It's much more enjoyable and respectable with that balance. Above all communication communication communication. I really just require that first.