So I've been thinking lately and I've realized that I am very ashamed of my virginity...I'm only 17, yet I feel like this is old to be a virgin, or at least it's considered 'old' in my oversexed generation, it seems... I just feel like there are certain things that should be experienced by a certain time in life and I feel incredibly left out. I've never even been kissed, let alone have sex, and this leads me to believe that something is wrong with me. In fact, I know that something is wrong with me...the fact that I'm ugly. Yep, no guy has ever shown even a tiny little bit of interest in me, ever. I know I am not pretty, so don't tell me I am when you don't even know what I look like. Also, I know I'm probably going to get a lot of hate for posting this, but FYI I'm not asking people to help me get laid. I'm wondering if anyone else is in the same boat as me and feeling ashamed of their virginity.

So, I'm going to kindly request a couple things before I go, and that is: Please do not give me that corny lecture about how the right person will come along at the right time and that in the meantime I should just enjoy being a kid. I've gotten this lecture over and over before and it doesn't help my situation or the way I feel at all. So if this is the only kind of thing you can think to say then please don't bother replying. Also, if you're religious, please don't push the whole "wait until marriage"/preaching abstinence thing on me, because that doesn't help either. Thank you. ~

[silver tree]

Attraction is a lot more than a physical thing imo. I have met lots of people that are very attractive because of who they are and less what they look like. At your age you may find this less but that is because it takes time to develop as a person and for that to shine through. But my advice would be to work on being a beautiful person on the inside and accepting and being confident in yourself as it counts for more than you would think.

Losing your virginity is overrated really, and most people who lose it early wish they had waited (I know I did) so what you see as a problem at this point in your life, will probably be a blessing when you look back. Not that I imagine that helps you now though

I would say that in my experience men far from frown on a girl that still has her virginity and in many ways it is seen as a 'prize' to be the one to deflower a girl. What you have is of value and not something to be ashamed of so please don't think it or let anyone tell you any different. Do be so quick to disregard that or to want to get rid of it because of 'shame'. I am not saying all the "wait for the right time" etc but definitely make sure that someone respects you and is nice to you and don't just do it to get rid of your virginity sweetheart. There is nothing wrong with telling your girl friends that you want to find someone that makes you feel you want to sleep with them and not just give it up for the sake of it. If they are good friends then they will see this as a good thing.

So basically; having your virginity still = not worth worrying about. You as a person = worth more than you give yourself credit for

I hope that helped a bit x

[lunatic soul]

I feel ashamed about my virginity and I'm 22 years old so I understand you
I had my first kiss when I was 20 years old.

[Silent Void]

No one should be ashamed of virginity. I wish I hadn't sacrificed mine.

Let me just say this - I regret every relationship I've ever had. I wish I'd hung on to my virginity.

There is no such thing as Mr. Right. They're basically all the same.

Hold out a long as you can. Choose wisely, not quickly.

[Trippin2.0]

Orrr do what I did.

And give it to a friend...

I wasn't ashamed of mine, but wanted to be rid of it on my terms. Not fall head over heals in puppy love, or be manipulated into it by a boy who then dumps me the next day. Which was happening to alllll my friends when we were on HS.

I won't pretend to understand being ashamed of a natural state of being (we're born that way afterall) but if you're really dead set on being rid of it, and a bf isn't on the horizon, well then I honestly doubt there's a guy who would say "no" if you asked him this "favour"...

Yes, I sometimes have an unorthodox way of doing things, but it has served me well thus far. I get results

[norwegianwoman]

I remained a virgin until I was 18. At that time, I felt like everyone had done it but me and I just wanted to get it over with. I did. No point in making the first time special, it's awkward and often hurts, so just get it over and done with so you can actually start ENJOYING sex - at your own terms, in your own time.

A lot of people will probably disagree with me, but if you feel ready - and only IF you feel ready, never if you're pressured into it - get it over and done with. Drop all notions of a charming prince. Get drunk, fool around, do it. Takes the pressure off. I lost my virginity while drunk to a guy I had met a few days before. I have never regretted it, it was just what I needed, to just get it over with so it would stop bother me and to focus on other, more productive things. Don't listen to the women who tell you to save yourself to marriage or wait until the right guy comes along. Sex is an important and amazing part of life, don't take that away from yourself because society and religion has suppressed women's sexuality for millennias and made the concept of virginity something divine. Losing your virginity also makes masturbation more pleasureable as you can start using toys, etc.

[Snoopysmom]

I know a 40yo virgin she has came close but not yet. I myself was 17 when I gave it up. I fooled around but never all the way. I am ashamed I couldn't wait. I'm proud of YOU! Hold out for the big day!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Newbie12]

I don't believe there is any reason to wait if you're safe (which means you know how to put a condom or/and get on the pill, shot, ring, whatever) and it doesn't have to be awkward and hurt. Educate yourself. Look online and find out what to do so it doesn't hurt.

That said, make sure it's something you really want to do. Don't let your friends dictate your sexuality. I lost my virginity when I was 14 (32 now) and I don't regret it and it went horribly wrong. You know why? The guy was my boyfriend at the time, I was just a happy and horny teenage girl. Teenage girls are just as horny as boys, they just won't admit it.

I believe young women should sleep with a guy before marriage. Maybe you find something he does in bed disgusting and you can't get over it and it's a deal breaker. Too late, you're already married. I've broken up with guys or didn't see them again based on their performance and if I felt we weren't sexually compatible. Sex is a huge part of a relationship/marriage. You won't know if you're sexually compatible unless...you have sex. Also, getting it out of your system before marriage, if you plan to marry, is great. Humans are not monogamous mammals by nature. I'm not condoning cheating at all. It has taken us millions of years to determine promiscuity can cause problems.

Anyway, these are my opinions only:
1. Teens can be ready for sex when they feel mature enough to not be self-conscious, know how important pregnancy and STDs are, are just plain horny like a guy. Girls just don't say it because they don't want to be called certain names, and not just doing it because everyone else is. And make sure you feel that you would be ok if you broke up or he didn't call you again. There are a lot of A-holes out there.

2. I believe it is important to know the sexuality of a person before you are married. Same goes for living together.

3. Just because a guy doesn't ask you out doesn't mean he's not into you or you're not pretty. Maybe you intimidate a lot. Do you have piercings, alt clothes? Synthetic color hair? I think most guys find that sexy, they just don't want to get involved with a girl their mom won't like. I'm very sexy and pretty girl. I have been since I hit puberty. I'm just intimidating to some guys, I didn't talk much so they assumed I was a snob. I got asked to dances with friends. I had a HS boyfriend but he was a POS (he slept with my sister). I got asked out by a couple of guys I considered too close of a friend to date. I didn't have many girlfriends. It took 6 months for one of my best guy friends to tell me he loved me when we were 16. I didn't reciprocate and I feel so bad because I feel like I unintentionally flirt with any guy (prob why I don't get along with other girls) and one might take that as a good sign. Ugh, I just had mostly make friends and the girls closet to me were bi of bicurious. (Sorry, I ramble).

4. Would you be able to tell your parents? I did mine.

5. Being a virgin is a huge asset for you, especially when you describe how sexed up your area is. Like sometimes I wish I were a virgin because it's hot but I'm 7 yrs married with a 4 yr old daughter (yes, I would tell her the same) in suburbia. Lol.

6. It probably won't feel good your first time, unless you both have some knowledge of what you're doing and a little of what to expect.

7. I recommend The Guide to Getting It On. I read it and learned a lot. It was a textbook for a class my hubby took in college.

Basically, if you want to have sex just to get it over with or because you're just a normal horny teen who happens to be a girl, if it were me, I'd do it.

If you want to have sex because your embarrassed that you're a virgin because all your friends are not, if it were me, I would not. Whatever happens between my legs is my business unless I tell you it is.

You'll probably have to initiate conversations with guys you like and get used to it so other guys see you a different way. Get that self esteem up, find a guy you like, and just ask him out.

Credentials: I have a B.S. in Biology, my husband has a B.A. in Psychology Minor Philosophy. We have each had 12-15 sex partners. Each with varying degrees of beauty on both sides, some virgins, some much older, much younger, bf's or one night stands. Just lots of experience.

PS-I do think it's important that you really like him and he knows that you don't want a relationship now or that you might.

[hamster-bamster]

Is the avatar a picture of yours with some special effects added by software?

I am wondering because the girl on the picture does not look shy or immature. I would say she looks older than 17.

You talk about your "oversexed" generation.

Oversexed usually means overtalked about sex. It does not necessarily mean that people are having that much sex.

Find out the median age of the sexual debut for females in your location and you might get a reality check.

If the picture is yours, no, you are not at all ugly. Your jawline (I mean - the jawline on your avatar) is a little heavy towards even being a bit masculine, but then you have alluring eyes. Also, your eyebrow is very well shaped.

Eyes are more important than the jawline

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Is the avatar a picture of yours with some special effects added by software?

I am wondering because the girl on the picture does not look shy or immature. I would say she looks older than 17.

You talk about your "oversexed" generation.

Oversexed usually means overtalked about sex. It does not necessarily mean that people are having that much sex.

Find out the median age of the sexual debut for females in your location and you might get a reality check.

If the picture is yours, no, you are not at all ugly. Your jawline (I mean - the jawline on your avatar) is a little heavy towards even being a bit masculine, but then you have alluring eyes. Also, your eyebrow is very well shaped.

Eyes are more important than the jawline

My avatar isn't a picture of me, it's an old picture of my favorite poet Sylvia Plath which I did the color splash effect on to make her look punk rock. Because I'm a geek like that.
No, I am not nearly as pretty as that, unfortunately.
Not even horny guys my age would want to get it on with me, even if I had a sack on my head.

Originally Posted by norwegianwoman

I remained a virgin until I was 18. At that time, I felt like everyone had done it but me and I just wanted to get it over with. I did. No point in making the first time special, it's awkward and often hurts, so just get it over and done with so you can actually start ENJOYING sex - at your own terms, in your own time.

A lot of people will probably disagree with me, but if you feel ready - and only IF you feel ready, never if you're pressured into it - get it over and done with. Drop all notions of a charming prince. Get drunk, fool around, do it. Takes the pressure off. I lost my virginity while drunk to a guy I had met a few days before. I have never regretted it, it was just what I needed, to just get it over with so it would stop bother me and to focus on other, more productive things. Don't listen to the women who tell you to save yourself to marriage or wait until the right guy comes along. Sex is an important and amazing part of life, don't take that away from yourself because society and religion has suppressed women's sexuality for millennias and made the concept of virginity something divine. Losing your virginity also makes masturbation more pleasureable as you can start using toys, etc.

Religion has suppressed both men and women's sexuality. As for society, society encourages women to shamelessly sleep around.

[Newbie12]

Aw, don't talk about yourself that way. You just have really low self-esteem. That's a turn-off to most guys. They don't care why. I think you should work on your self worth more than worry about guys and losing your virginity. I don't know if you've subscribed to the self-esteem forum yet but I think you could start there.

I was exactly like you at your age. Most girls your age are self-concious to a point. But if you feel your friends are pretty then chances are you are too. Plus, that's not all that matters when it comes to sex, relationships, guys. It could be they sense your lack of confidence and low self-esteem.

I dated a guy once who was truly ugly but he had such confidence and charisma that he had no problem getting a date. I mean girls would throw themselves at him.

My point is, it's not all about looks, it really isn't, if you get two idiots who are attractive and put them together, then maybe.

You seem like a smart girl. More than likely, you're pretty. If you can find your self-esteem and self-worth, then you will notice a big change.

Don't sell yourself short. Doesn't matter where you come from. So maybe you work on yourself and forget about just losing your virginity for now. I know it's easier said than done, but if that's all you wanted then you could find a guy your age. You may not find him attractive, but you wouldn't be a virgin so I think it's more than that.

I might be twice your age but I remember what it's like to 17.

We were oversexed then. I think it's a hormonal teenage thing.

Anyway, good luck with everything and I hope you address your inner issues. I really don't want something like that to hinder anything in your life.

[Newbie12]

I don't think society encourages it. I feel the opposite. Like society tries to suppress women's sexual desires. It's the whole "if a guy sleeps around, it's ok. If a girl does she's a slut." It should be, "if anyone sleeps around, it's none of your business unless they ask you, male, female, black, white, purple, gay, whoever."

It's no one's business unless YOU ask for their opinion. And then that's what it remains, their opinion.

And, the first time doesn't have to be awkward and/or painful. Mine was, because I was 14 and didn't pay attention in 8th grade sex education. You can read about anything and everything you want discreetly these days.

If it helps, the guy will probably be more nervous than you, even if he's had sex once or twice. Just google "how to lose my virginity without pain or awkwardness." Make sure the guy knows you're a virgin.

I don't think your first time should be "special" or whatever but I do think you both should be completely sober (date rape can happen easily this way). You don't have to just do it because he's there and you're there and you're bored. At least make sure the guy cares about you as a friend. Things didn't work out between my bf when I was 14. We lasted a whole 6 mths. But to this day we care about eachother a lot and always have. Besides, it's not going to help your self-esteem at all if a guy sleeps with you once because you want to get it over with then goes and tells his friends. I'm a mother now and this is what I would tell my daughter.

Have you tried talking to your mom about it? I'm lucky enough to have an amazing mom who I could tell anything to, even if it made her a little upset.

Originally Posted by Newbie12

Have you tried talking to your mom about it? I'm lucky enough to have an amazing mom who I could tell anything to, even if it made her a little upset.

I've tried. She doesn't understand.
She just says I should be happy to be a kid.
Which doesn't help me.

I can't be happy when I feel like a freak.

[Newbie12]

Sounds like she's uncomfortable talking about it and having a hard time that you're pretty much a grown woman, not a kid.

Maybe a therapist? If you don't have one, tell you're mom you feel you need one since she won't talk to you :P

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

My avatar isn't a picture of me, it's an old picture of my favorite poet Sylvia Plath which I did the color splash effect on to make her look punk rock. Because I'm a geek like that.
No, I am not nearly as pretty as that, unfortunately.
Not even horny guys my age would want to get it on with me, even if I had a sack on my head.

If you are a geek like that, get into a geeky environment!

I had a gf who was pretty, but not outrageously, overwhelmingly beautiful. But she worked as an engineer in an all male environment and literally everybody was after her.

She had lots of options and is now married to a top echelon manager of a Fortune 500 tech company.

I am not saying that you would have as wide an array of options as she had, because, for one, she was pretty, and, for another, it was 10 years ago and now it is much harder to find an all male environment full of geeks because of the influx of women into geeky occupations.

But still, your chances would be much higher. Plus, those people would appreciate your geekiness, wit, quick mind etc.

Very seriously and without kidding - think of that when you choose your education and profession.

Also, I knew many girls in tech who were NOT pretty, unlike that gf of mine who was pretty but just not outright beautiful. Every single one of them eventually got married, on top of having successful careers. I do not work in the same company with them anymore, but shortly before I left, I ran into one of them and she had a huge belly.

So there you have it - congregate and socialize with geeky guys. Plus, they tend me make good money, which is a consideration for the future (obviously you are not yet thinking along those lines, but it is never too early to start).

[bigblackdog]

So medically speaking, there is nothing called virginity. There is no way to prove that a girl is a virgin or that she's not. Religion spends a lot of time talking about virginity and purity, but that is just their construct designed to control sexuality and preserve identifiable paternity. A great deal of our culture is predicated on men knowing a child is theirs via limited sexual contact with the mother by others.

Don't be driven by what you perceive to be late or early to sexual activity, because you will be wrong. You simply don't know what your peers are really doing. They could be active, or they could be playing it off like they are.

The point is that you should do what you want, when you want it, and with whom you want. It should be on your terms with your continuous enthusiastic consent.

My recommendation is that it be with someone you are involved with emotionally, as many people are unprepared for the emotion and bonding that can go with sex. Let them be someone that communicates with you, laughs with you and adores you. Let them be someone that makes you feel spectacularly beautiful in your own skin.

Anyone who tells you who what when how etc is not okay. Don't let anyone shame you for either having or not having sex. Neither is shameful.

I was 17. It was good timing for me, with someone that I enjoyed sex with immensely. That first partner and the patterns of sex with them will be with you for a lifetime. Let them be good patterns.

[Newbie12]

bigblackdog-
You can tell if a girl is still a virgin, medically speaking. It's called the hymen. That's why it hurts and there can be a very noticeable amount of blood the first time. Why do you think there's no way to tell? Yes, sometimes the hymen can be broken or torn a bit by something like horseback riding or gymnastics when the girl is young but it will still hurt, even if only a little. Have you ever heard of Muslim girls here in the US having plastic surgery to have their hymen's repaired so their family and husband from her arranged marriage won't know that she's not a virgin? These girls can actually be killed, legally, if they find out she wasn't a virgin. I don't think it's just Muslim. But I've heard of this many times. A compassionate plastic surgeon will do it for free or at a deep discount because they know what the young girl is saying is true. I mean, these girls are terrified, and rightfully so.

I went back and read the original question. Sounds like she needs to talk to people who have been through what she is. Sounds like she needs reassurance from someone like her that everything will turn out ok.

All any of us can offer her is our own stories, maybe some advice-she can decide if she'll take it or not, and some compassion.

[AppalachianAxis]

I agree with what many others have already said. Virginity is an abstract social concept. And being a virgin or not really doesn't change 'who' you are in the slightest. I've known people who're virgins well into their mid-twenties who are
not such great people, and I've known people who've had more sexual partners than I can count who are some of the nicest, most amazing people I've ever met.
Don't let this get you down!

[norwegianwoman]

Originally Posted by Lycanthrope

Religion has suppressed both men and women's sexuality. As for society, society encourages women to shamelessly sleep around.

Lol. Yeah, tell that to all the women being called sluts and *****s for being sexually active, or the girls being told they deserved to be raped because they flirted and dressed scantily - society has an extreme double-standard when it comes to women's sexuality. It's a "damned if you do, damned if you don't"-situation. If you DON'T do it at all, you're a prude, and no one likes that. If you do it and people find out about it, you're a slut. Some guys encourage girls to be so-called "sluts" because it gets them sex, but those guys respect girls LESS for sleeping with them, which provokes me greatly. They just see the girls as stupid for falling for this or that trick or "easy" for sleeping with them, they don't see that they are doing the exact same thing - but somehow it's okay, and somehow they believe they're always the one in control.

As for men - while religion has certainly suppressed male sexuality too, to some extent, as religion in general isnt very in favour of sex, it has done so in a completely different way. Female purity has become something divine, taken to the extreme where a mother who is still "pure" is one of the main holinesses in the religion. And women like Maria Magdalena, temptresses, have been portrayed as sinful and dangerous women. If you really go into this stuff there's done plenty of researach on it.

[tradika]

1) Beauty can be pretty subjective. Especially as you get older. In high-school people are more likely to follow the crowd because people will put them down if the express desire for anything outside the societal standard. There are individuals who desire ALL sorts of different people.

2) No reason for anyone to ever be embarrassed of virginity or a lack of partners. Some people just can't emotionally cope with sex outside of a very trusting and committed relationship. It can be very detrimental to their mental health. If someone thinks you are less than because of this... Well, they have a serious problem.

3) The sexiest thing for healthy people is forward momentum. Take this time while you are not in a relationship to prepare yourself for life and an eventual relationship/family. That means working on your future career, mental, and physical health. You will still probably feel lonely, but it speaks volumes about what kind of person you are when you go forward anyway.

Originally Posted by norwegianwoman

Lol. Yeah, tell that to all the women being called sluts and *****s for being sexually active, or the girls being told they deserved to be raped because they flirted and dressed scantily - society has an extreme double-standard when it comes to women's sexuality. It's a "damned if you do, damned if you don't"-situation. If you DON'T do it at all, you're a prude, and no one likes that. If you do it and people find out about it, you're a slut. Some guys encourage girls to be so-called "sluts" because it gets them sex, but those guys respect girls LESS for sleeping with them, which provokes me greatly. They just see the girls as stupid for falling for this or that trick or "easy" for sleeping with them, they don't see that they are doing the exact same thing - but somehow it's okay, and somehow they believe they're always the one in control.

As for men - while religion has certainly suppressed male sexuality too, to some extent, as religion in general isnt very in favour of sex, it has done so in a completely different way. Female purity has become something divine, taken to the extreme where a mother who is still "pure" is one of the main holinesses in the religion. And women like Maria Magdalena, temptresses, have been portrayed as sinful and dangerous women. If you really go into this stuff there's done plenty of researach on it.

Well actually it's ironic, because many women will find a man who hasn't had sex a turn off. A lot of women aren't interested in a man who's a virgin or is sexually inexperienced. So women themselves are also partly to blame for men being encouraged to screw anything that walks. So the damned if you do or damned if you don't also applies to men because a lot women don't respect a man who had sex with loads of women and view him as a "player".

You only have to look out in Western society to see that women are encouraged to have sex. It's everywhere.

[Evening]

I don't know if I would say I'm ASHAMED of being a virgin, but I feel a bit pathetic. I'm 10 years older than you, so you've still got plenty of time before you get to being a big lame like me. Like you I've never kissed anyone, I've also never been in a relationship. I don't have a lot of trust in men when it comes to relationships. The only guys that would have sex with me would just want the sex, so I do sometimes feel a bit worthless in that sense, that I wouldn't be worth anything more than that. I'm not about to just be with anyone, I would wait for the right person. But I don't think it will happen, as I find myself rather repulsive and unattractive and I don't think I could be comfortable enough in myself to be with another person.
I do feel left out when my friends talk about sex though, in the sense that I can't join in and relate to the topic. Some people also have a habit of giving the 'well what would YOU know?' attitude when I do discuss the subject. People I know who have great relationships, who are married, etc., I do get envious of, because I'm alone and likely will continue to be.

Inevitably you don't HAVE to have sex simply because of your age, there is no requirement as to when you have sex, as long as you are of legal age. Someone who has sex at a younger age often regrets it later as they get older. Not to say you will of course, but don't get too envious of others your age who have had sex or think that it means you need to as well. I won't lecture you as to when you should wait until, who you should wait for, etc., but if the reason you feel you need to is because others have too, then it's not the right reason to do it. Do it because you WANT to do it.