Sexual issues

Hey

So I haven't had sex for 5 years and I'm in my mid 20s. Ideally, I want to find a partner and be in a proper relationship. However, because I have some sexual issues, every time I feel there's a spark between me and someone, I avoid getting to know them further because I am worried I will end up embarrassed, and dumped, because of my problems with sex.

I'm embarrassed that I'm not the confident, sexually liberated young woman I would like to be. Where I live is fairly small and so people I meet I either already know, or are friends of friends etc. This makes me more anxious because I don't want people to know about my problems. Maybe I'm underestimating people, but people do talk. Even if not maliciously, I still can't bear the thought of it. I hate it about myself but I care a lot about what people think of me.

I first had sex when I was 13 and I had a few 'relationships' in my teens. Though, in retrospect, I think I had low self esteem and none of these relationships were really advisable or loving. I think this forms part of my problem: even though I have had sex before I have never really had intimacy. I had one bad experience with an older guy when I was 14 but this was a situation I entered into and it is not something which I think has had a impact. Five years ago, I was raped and I haven't had sex since. For a few years after, I wasn't interested in sex at all. My life then was messed up. Now, I've fixed most things and I feel like my peers again except for the relationship/sex side. I really want to share life with someone and not being able to is bringing me down. I also kind of resent that I've missed these first five years of my 20s where people get more comfortable and confident with themselves and sex.

My problem is embarrassing. Since this incident five years ago, I think that there is something wrong with my vagina ( how else can it be said). I had a blood test and STD test, all clear but I know these tests don't pick up things like genital warts. I have never had any that I know of but I still feel my vagina is disgusting and different from how it was before. I can't get into an intimate situation with someone I care about with this at the back (front) of my mind. In the UK, you can just do an STD test on yourself at the doctors. I managed to go for a cervical smear and the nurse didn't say there was anything weird/wrong(not that I asked). I need reassurance that everything is okay but for that I basically need someone to look. I'm worried to ask the doctor for a referral to a gynecologist. I don't know if I could go through with it and if there was something wrong I don't know how I would cope. I already have quite a few issues with myself: it takes me ages to get out the door, I often feel like a mutant.

In addition to these concerns about my body, I'm also worried because I feel like I've forgotten how to have sex. Part of me thinks of just having an anonymous one night stand, there'd be less pressure but then, as I said before, it is a small town so I wouldn't feel anonymous. I was thinking of going to a bigger town with this sole purpose. I realise that sounds trampy but it might be the means to an end of this anxiety. I think if the guy just took control, I would be able to let go.

Apologies for the essay. I haven't admitted all this to anyone. I only recently have been able to think about it myself. Does anyone have any advice to share?

Sap

Have you talked to a therapist , or your doctor about your rape ?
If not then my advice is before you go looking for love you need to talk to someone and heel from the pain you experience .
It's very hard to get that " spark" from another person so if you get it hold on to it even if your scared .

If you find the right guy then you can tell him about your past and how you feel .
Being scared sucks but if you want something bad enough you will blaze threw it and you just might find the guy of your dreams .

Another thing is maybe it's not fear you feel it's butterflys when you meet someone they feel the same .

Hey, thanks for your reply. No, I haven't spoke with anyone about it. Maybe things will work out, just wait and see I guess.

The feeling that there is something "wrong" with your vagina is, in my (unprofessional) opinon, a mental delusion after what happened to you. A lot of women feel "dirty" or used after a rape, they are worried someone will see it on them, they do stuff that can seem irrational in an attempt to make sure no trace of their rapist is left on them. Your issue sounds like it's connected to this: 1) you are afraid your rape did some damage down there so that people can SEE what has happened to you. This is likely not the case, as medical personnel are trained to see those things and the nurse who examined you would have noticed something was wrong. Or, not necessarily damage, but that someone will see what happened, which you haven't told people. AND the way you talk about warts etc. make me think you also (subconsciously) do think of yourself as a bit dirty or "sick" down there. 2) You seem a bit anxious with letting another person down there after having been forced once. That's not weird at all. I totally understand that. It takes time. Your body can crave sex but your head is not in on it, after what happened.

The vagina issue seems to be a mental thing. I would go to a therapist, especially if you haven't talked to anyone about this rape. It's a serious crime, some people struggle with it for a lifetime. Maybe you're lucky and five years was enough, but since you have abstained from sex I would try to solve the mental issues first.

I am a bit older sap123 at 50 Also bipolar... with self esteem issues. To say the least, lol. Major issues here. You are doing great accepting and recognizing these sap... My therapy has focused on "just" liking me again these past two years. Sounds funny, but very difficult at times. Any STD's and stuff like this aside... YOU need to feel comfortable with being yourself before you embark in a relationship with anyone. Trust me And you will find someone.. I know.

Thanks everyone for your input. I know I didn't reply too much at the time. I was kinda embarrassed by my post but I read and appreciated the responses.

So, a quick update.

I got with the guy I had felt this spark with (which had inspired me to write the initial post and try and face my issues) and it was going quite well. I think he felt I was distant sometimes and wasn't as doting as is usual but it was moving in the right direction. I was getting more confident and we were sharing our lives.

Then, a few months into our relationship, we are about to have sex one night and he's like 'I can't do this'. Tells me he has hpv and shows me this mark on his shaft where he had a wart frozen off the previous day. wtf. why am I so unlucky with anything related to sex?

So, I was kind about it but I called an end to things. We've known each other a year before we got together and have shared friends etc. I don't know how he could do this. He says he gets them like every 3 months for the last 4 years but he hadn't had an out break for 5 months so hoped it had gone away. Still, I don't know how he could knowingly expose me to this. He said he loved me. We waited more than a month to have sex. Finding out he has what I was paranoid about, has just thrown me completely. If we were married or I thought this is the one, okay, it could probably be manageable.

I went to the gyno and she said I almost certainly have the virus, even though I have had no symptoms. Said my immune system might always prevent an outbreak. I should have asked but does this mean I can pass this on? Usually, you contract the virus when there is an outbreak and just before and after there is a chance.

Bahhhhh!!!!!!! Am I overreacting? I just feel so wronged and like things are against me. Like, why!?? The first guy I have sex with tells me this 5 months down the line when it is too late for me to do anything about it. It's not like it was some randomer I met in a club. I feel like I'll never have sex again. I gained a little confidence sexually during the relationship but, the way it ended, has left me in a worse position than when I wrote the first post.

The gyno is like 'oh it's harmless! Think of it as a skin condition.' I can't cope with it, really.

What do you think? Am I over reacting?

Tecnhically, your gyno is right. But after what happened to you, I think it will just increase your feeling of inadequacy and "dirtyness". I would, as I mentioned before, go to a therapist or try to talk to someone about this. There are survivor groups where I am sure you would find someone who could relate.

Thanks, norwegianwoman. I do really appreciate your replies and I now have an appt booked next week to speak to someone. You intrigue me because I started life in Bergen