[WhatDayIsItAgain]

I have a problem relaxing around others in any situation. Even with someone nice who I am interested in being with, I can not relax enough to enjoy sex.

It has been many years and I gave up trying a long time ago.

I think it is called vaginumis when relaxing for intercourse becomes impossible to accomplish.

I go totally stiff and rigid and I can't make it go away until he "gets out" of me. I just don't like it and I can't enjoy it. I thought it would self correct if I just stopped worrying but that has not happened. I tried it drunk and I tried it sober and I failed both ways. I just avoid it now and that makes me feel like I am defective.

[OneInBillions]

I'm so sorry, this must be incredibly difficult. Unfortunately I don't have any advice because I'm inexperienced but I'm terrified that I won't be able to relax for it either. I'm a guy but I've always suffered from bad anxiety and social phobia. I think part of the reason I've never gotten close to having sex with anyone is that I'm so afraid I won't be able to perform.

I'm just wondering, do you have trouble with anxiety in general?

[WhatDayIsItAgain]

Originally Posted by OneInBillions

I'm so sorry, this must be incredibly difficult. Unfortunately I don't have any advice because I'm inexperienced but I'm terrified that I won't be able to relax for it either. I'm a guy but I've always suffered from bad anxiety and social phobia. I think part of the reason I've never gotten close to having sex with anyone is that I'm so afraid I won't be able to perform.

I'm just wondering, do you have trouble with anxiety in general?

Yes I do. Thank you for talking to me about this delicate subject. I am glad I am not alone with this problem. I was always the nervous type but now the shaking/jumpiness from my behavior is beyond my ability to "hide" it from myself and others. The first time for anyone is very stressful and usually it take a few times to get used to each other before sex is "mutally awesome". I have tried with very nice partners but I am sure I was the problem and their "technique" was not the problem. I just gave up trying after awhile. Now it is like I don't want to try because I am in a pattern of failure and avoidance. I hope we both (eventually) have good experiences to help us feel more normal. Thanks again for responding to my post.

There are some vaginal dilators (just dildos that are come in different sizes -- xs, small, medium, large) that you can use to over come this problem. These dilators are used daily where you practice inserting them. Eventually you get used to the feeling and also your vaginal floor muscles (which play a role in vaginumis) get used to it.

[growlycat]

I think I have this problem too. Not sure if toys would fix this as I personally do just fine solo but with a partner I feel fearful, suffocated etc. I see a therapist and just started to talk about this. I'm not sure what the answer is yet

[wiretwister]

I would love to hear any background you could provide ... such as moral background (church .. others around you ... ) ... physical (maybe abuse ... known or not) ... your comfort level with others in a non sexual nature ... if this is outside your comfort zone I understand completely ...

[bornunderabadsign]

Defective is a strong word but I too felt that way and still do. It is so easy to get into that mindset and even harder to get out of it. I don’t know how it is with you but I have always been good with foreplay once I got to the point where I felt like I was ready to be physical with someone but I just can’t seal the deal if you know what I mean. I freak out and can’t go all the way through it which led to being called a tease and not in a good way. I even thought along the lines that it might just be that I am homosexual and that was the reason but I couldn’t even enjoy that for the same reason.
Haven’t tried in over two years but I hope that I can get over it or get help for it in the future, (always been an area that I am very uncomfortable with talking about with a professional), I hope that you can work through it but no pressure.