[momof3inneedofhelp]

I'm going to try to make this as short as possible. I'm married with kids and have someone blackmailing me with a video that I don't want anyone seeing. He says that he'll keep it our secret if I give him blowjobs two to three times a week and let him have sex with me when he wants. I don't want anything like this to happen, I don't want my husband finding out, and I'm afraid to go to the cops. He has the video on his phone. Its 10 seconds long. Its of me going down on him because he claimed to still have nude pictures of me he was threatening to send them to my friends and family. After he got the video of me (which would have been longer if I wouldn't have caught him) he told me he didn't ever have anything till the video bc he deleted everything else. Is there any way that I can stop this without my husband finding out? I don't want this to ruin my marriage, I just want this over so my life can go back to normal. I'm already taking antidepressants and sleeping pills. I can't ever sleep and barely eat. My cycle is messed up from all the stress that I've been under. Please help me, I don't know what to do. I have no one else to turn to :'(

[jelly-bean]

I'm sorry this is happening to you but I don't think it is going to be kept a secret. You need to go to the police if you don't want to do as he demands and when the police get involved any though of keeping it a secret is gone. If you comply with his wishes then he will keep wanting more so I think you need to turn him in and hope your husband can understand why you did it.

[hamster-bamster]

This man threatened to send pictures to your friends and family. How would he do it? Does he know their names?

[hamster-bamster]

PS I do not think you should go to the cops yet. You can threaten him, in very stern terms. If that does not work, then go to the police, but sometimes a threat is enough.

Go to the police. This man could do this to someone else ( assuming he hasn't already).

[bixkf]

I too recommend going to the police, and by extension telling your husband. It's one thing to have cheated once and had pics of you, but each time you submit to the blackmailer you are getting deeper and deeper in a hole you might not get out of. I don't know how you got into the situation in the first place, but dealing with your original discretion early (as in now) pulls the blackmailer's weapon away from him, meaning it can't get worse.
At one point you have to trust both your husband and the police to accept what you did and protect you from further harm, but that truly requires you to accept the responsibility for what you have done.

Good luck.

[Webgoji]

My personal opinion is that you should go to the police and file charges. Don't mess around with him. Throw him in jail as soon as you can get it done. No threats, no warnings, just BAM! here's your summons.

From a husband's perspective, I would like to think that my wife knows that I've got her back. That if someone threatened her with something like this, the backlash against him would be immediate and severe and would have no affect on our relationship. Stalling, not going to the police and such would personally throw doubt into my mind and would probably make me consider the worst.

So that's possibly something else to consider. That your fears of people finding out might actually cause more problems instead of them knowing and being able to support you.

You first need to tell your husband , that is the first thing you must do .
Then both of you need to go to the police and see if they can charge him for this , maybe they can set up a sting like they do for people who blackmail for money .

This problem wont go away so you have no choice but to do something and if you sleep with him he will more then likely be video taping more videos and blackmail you forever so it must be stopped .

[norwegianwoman]

Go to the police. This man is a predator. He basically wants to force you to have sex, against your will, at his whims; or he will send that video to everyone you know. I doubt you're the only one he's doing this to. If you play along with it you make it worse. Tell your husband, hopefully he will understand and have your back. And seriously - GO TO THE POLICE. There is no other choice. Do you really want to live in a hell where you can't even decide who to have sex with and when, in fears of him releasing a video?

[SnakeCharmer]

Please go to the police and say you want to talk to detectives about a sex crime. He took that video by threatening to reveal pictures unless you complied with his demand for oral sex. He is now blackmailing you for sex. That is a sex crime.

If you are afraid of your husband's reaction, go to the police first, especially if your H is a hothead who might try to take matters into his own hands.

You are the victim of a sex crime. If you have an attorney you can trust, go to the attorney and have the attorney arrange for you to make your complaint to the police.

You have been victimized. Please do not allow fear to keep the victimization continuing. I know someone who was threatened in the same way. The police wired her and recorded the perpetrator's coercive threats. They arrested him and he did jail time. Her name was never revealed.

Sex crime detectives are experienced in protecting the victim's identity if it's at all possible. I'm really sorry this is happening to you. I don't know if you can prevent your H from finding out. You'll need courage to face this. I hope you will stand up for yourself and put a stop to this blackmail. If going to the police frightens you, please seek out the advice of an attorney specializing in women's issues so you have someone to advocate for you.

I wish you the best.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by SnakeCharmer

Please go to the police and say you want to talk to detectives about a sex crime. He took that video by threatening to reveal pictures unless you complied with his demand for oral sex. He is now blackmailing you for sex. That is a sex crime.

OP wrote that the guy SAYS this and that. No written evidence. Where is the paper trail? he says she says

[SnakeCharmer]

H-B, I understand your point, but I'm pretty sure you're confusing this with an alleged sex crime that has had a delayed reporting with all evidence washed away. In a case like that, there's no hope of collecting any evidence, for example, the Bill Cosby case where some of the complaints come from 40 years ago.

The OP's situation is completely different.

This is blackmail, with the culprit demanding payment in sex rather than money. Because the threats are on-going, evidence of the culprit making a new demand and threat could be collected.

If the OP has any qualms about going to police or about the process that would be followed, I urge her to seek the advice of an attorney. Advice can also be sought through the rape, abuse and incest national network (RAINN.) This is definitely a case of sexual abuse.

https://www.rainn.org/

They have telephone and on-line hotlines with people who are experienced in helping traumatized, embarrassed and ashamed victims who don't know what to do. I strongly urge everyone to stand up against sexual abuse and exploitation, which, you know ... this is not theoretical on my part.

[hamster-bamster]

SC, I understand your message and yes, if the police were to be involved, the sooner the better, but I am still concerned that most of the interactions were, no pun intended, oral. But, again, since I do get your message and the sense of urgency that you are communicating with it, maybe OP can provoke the subject to do something in writing. This is a precarious path, though, and I would not recommend that OP take it on her own. Engaging the resources you are recommending would be the best course of action. Actually, come to think of it, I would engage those resources before talking to ANYBODY else, be it the husband, the police, the friends whose contact info the subject has, etc.

The thing is, RAINN deals with similar cases day in and day out, so they must have amassed a wealth of info on how to proceed AND what to avoid.

[lovefromdover]

Originally Posted by momof3inneedofhelp

I'm going to try to make this as short as possible. I'm married with kids and have someone blackmailing me with a video that I don't want anyone seeing.

I do hope you are married to spouse not kids. As of blackmail, it's obvious you shouldn't deliver anything other to that person than statement you delivered here.

[LaraHugs]

Originally Posted by momof3inneedofhelp

Its of me going down on him because he claimed to still have nude pictures of me he was threatening to send them to my friends and family.

.... he told me he didn't ever have anything till the video bc he deleted everything else.

Above is partial quotes, and they are the parts I can't make heads or tails out of. Are you saying in the first partial quote that you gave him the blow job (that he filmed) because he had nude pics of you from a previous time, and threatened to send them to family and friends?

If I'm reading this correctly, then that means you already gave into his blackmailing tactics, and it was at that time that he filmed you in the act.

In the second partial quote, you implied that there was more, but, he deleted it. Or so he told you he deleted.

So, my concern here is that you've already given into his demands and I'm not sure why. Someone in here suggested that if you give into him, then it will only make matters worse, and I've a feeling that this is what has happened. And I'm not sure that (legally) he is at fault, entirely. So, you may not have the legal recourse that would be hoped.

I'm also not sure how successful you would be in continuing in a relationship with your husband now. It could be that you find a way to out-smart this guy and win, so that your husband never finds out. But, what about your honor? What about you having to live within a marriage, hiding the feelings of guilt? That cannot be good for your mental and emotional health for you, and your family. Intense feelings of guilt can lead a person to great despair, and it seems impossible to avoid these repercussions.

There seems to be a place for growth here, and that's always a good thing. I truly understand your plight in that you feel so betrayed, and that your lover tricked you. But, things happen for a reason. And I believe that this is a trial for you, to show you that actions have consequences that can sometimes spiral out of our control.

I'm not sure I totally agree that going to the police should be the first course of action. Perhaps, you should first see a professional to help you sort out where/how to deal with this kind of mess.

I truly hope you find a solution, mainly for the sake of everyone's mental and emotional well being.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by LaraHugs

What about you having to live within a marriage, hiding the feelings of guilt? That cannot be good for your mental and emotional health for you

Lara,

a great catch that OP already gave in to blackmail, paving the way to more blackmail. I am not sure I agree with you on guilt, however: the way I read the OP, OP is taking antidepressants and has trouble sleeping because she is feeling apprehensive, at the end of her rope, anxious, helpless, and hopeless. I did not see any mention of guilt (and I am glad I did not, because the situation is already a mess and OP's feeling guilty would make it yet messier while adding no value).

I might be wrong in my reading, but my impression is that OP is a woman who is panicking and while panicking, she is making dangerous choices, such as giving in to blackmail more and more, and then feels that she is in a downward spiral (which is true).

[LaraHugs]

You're probably right HB.

She didn't mention guilt. I made the assumption that the reason why she is so upset of her husband finding out is because she would feel guilty. So, that led me to think that if he didn't find out, she would still experience guilt.

But, I'm wrong often ... so it is what it is.