[fortbliss]

I have issues concerning myself and my relationship with my girlfriend of 7 years. All through our relationship I have masturbated to pictures of women on the internet. Some of those pictures were of my friends wives wearing swimsuits and dresses that were posted on a social network. I don't know why I have done this but I need help as it has interfered with my sex life. I am not really into porn.
I have a slight problem with keeping an erection when we go to bed and I told my girlfriend 7 years ago that I just can't have sex any more. She took me at my word and that was it but I was still able to masturbate to these pictures which she found on my computer and they have since been deleted. I need to know why I can keep an erection while masturbating but am not able to keep one while in the bedroom? I also need to know what I can do to repair my relationship? As of now all pictures have been deleted and she has made herself the moderator on my computer to keep me in check but I think I need more help then this. What can I do? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated, thank you in advance.

[kaliope]

hi fortbliss
i really dont have an answer for you but i know you arent the only one. i just read a post about an identical problem last night. i would check with a dr to make sure the issue isnt medical and then find a counselor who has some knowledge of sexual issues to talk to about it. that is about all i can think of. i really just wanted to welcome you. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[CANDC]

Welcome to Psych Central (PC). Sorry to hear you are having some unsettled times in your relationship.

The issues you bring up about being ready with your girlfriend could be due to trauma from the past. A therapist often can help unravel the past and the secrets it may be hiding.

One way I heard of that can help reduce anticipation stress and pressure to perform is to get an agreement that you are NOT going to have sex but are going to be with each other trying varying degrees of intimacy to find out how close you can be without the pressure of performing.

If the bed is a trigger, find another comfortable place to be together. On the sofa or the rug, with a heater or fireplace to add warmth. Put on some gentle music that is calming. In your mind, imagine you are discovering someone you never met before.

With clothes or a bathrobe on, just hold hands and begin to explore the outer reaches of the body staying away from explicitly sexual parts. Just explore being together. Feel the breath of yourself and as you touch their body feel their breath going in and out.

If this is going well, try embracing and touching each other's faces and finding non-sexual sensitive areas maybe overlooked before. If there is arousal note it, but just tell yourself it does not mean you have to do anything.

These phases can last 15 minutes or an hour so it is wise to allow an afternoon or evening without disturbance. After a while try to find out how the other is doing. Are they enjoying this? Stop if interest isn't there.

Discovering closeness may feel joyful so smile at each other. Look in each other's eyes. See each other with fresh eyes.

Erogenous touching can be next if you both are still engaged with each other.

If you decide to couple, some people find less pressure by facing each other and laying on your sides. This can be got into easily by a normal top bottom position and roll to the side.

Stop if over excited until more relaxed then begin again. Short thrusts are less likely to lead to early endings.

But if this experiment does not offer some signs of progress, then the therapist can also help find the blocks that stand in the way.

Hello fortbliss: Welcome to PsychCentral. PC is a great place to gain support, learn strategies for handling mental health concerns, & to make internet friends. There are many wonderfully supportive members here on PsychCentral. Two forums that may be of interest include:

Men-Focused Support - Forums at Psych Central

Sexual and Gender Issues - Forums at Psych Central

With regard to the particular problem you describe in your post: it's somewhat unclear to me exactly how this developed. Had you begun this practice prior to the beginning of your relationship with your GF? I also don't know how old you are. Anyway, a couple of things occur to me.

First, as men get older (& I don't mean "old"... just in or perhaps approaching middle age, impotence can begin to rear it's ugly head, so to speak. Also, if a man is taking, or has taken, any kind of prescription medication, or used drugs, this can have an impact as well.

But the other things I suspect are coming into play here are guilt & fear. You feel guilty about your picture viewing & masturbatory activities. This guilt is causing you to have difficulty maintaining an erection. And every time you experience a loss of erection, you confront the fear that it may get worse. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

As to why you don't have this problem masturbating to pictures on the computer, well, neither the computer nor the pictures can judge you. You're alone, & in that sense, safe. I would venture to guess that telling your GF you just couldn't have sex anymore took allot of pressure off of you. As to why you might have needed to be relieved of this pressure, this is something that would need to be explored in therapy.

Also I would suspect that masturbating to pictures on the computer has, at this point, become something of an addiction not unlike an addiction to porn or gambling or anything else people become addicted to. If in fact this is the case, then individual therapy is perhaps the best solution long-term. You & your GF may want to participate in some couples counseling as well. Over the short-term, you might consider trying some Viagra or Cialis. Talk with your doctor about this.

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Should you have any questions or concerns, feel free to contact any member of the Community Liaison Team. Best wishes...

[fortbliss]

Thank you for the replies and suggestions. I have a long way to go and this is just the beginning for me. For the record I am almost 52years of age.

[fortbliss]

Originally Posted by kaliope

hi fortbliss
i really dont have an answer for you but i know you arent the only one. i just read a post about an identical problem last night. i would check with a dr to make sure the issue isnt medical and then find a counselor who has some knowledge of sexual issues to talk to about it. that is about all i can think of. i really just wanted to welcome you. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

Thank you for the reply

[fortbliss]

Originally Posted by CANDC

Welcome to Psych Central (PC). Sorry to hear you are having some unsettled times in your relationship.

The issues you bring up about being ready with your girlfriend could be due to trauma from the past. A therapist often can help unravel the past and the secrets it may be hiding.

One way I heard of that can help reduce anticipation stress and pressure to perform is to get an agreement that you are NOT going to have sex but are going to be with each other trying varying degrees of intimacy to find out how close you can be without the pressure of performing.

If the bed is a trigger, find another comfortable place to be together. On the sofa or the rug, with a heater or fireplace to add warmth. Put on some gentle music that is calming. In your mind, imagine you are discovering someone you never met before.

With clothes or a bathrobe on, just hold hands and begin to explore the outer reaches of the body staying away from explicitly sexual parts. Just explore being together. Feel the breath of yourself and as you touch their body feel their breath going in and out.

If this is going well, try embracing and touching each other's faces and finding non-sexual sensitive areas maybe overlooked before. If there is arousal note it, but just tell yourself it does not mean you have to do anything.

These phases can last 15 minutes or an hour so it is wise to allow an afternoon or evening without disturbance. After a while try to find out how the other is doing. Are they enjoying this? Stop if interest isn't there.

Discovering closeness may feel joyful so smile at each other. Look in each other's eyes. See each other with fresh eyes.

Erogenous touching can be next if you both are still engaged with each other.

If you decide to couple, some people find less pressure by facing each other and laying on your sides. This can be got into easily by a normal top bottom position and roll to the side.

Stop if over excited until more relaxed then begin again. Short thrusts are less likely to lead to early endings.

But if this experiment does not offer some signs of progress, then the therapist can also help find the blocks that stand in the way.

Thank you for your suggestions. I am seeing a therapist about this but it is taking a long time and I know that my GF wishes it was moving faster. The real issue is that she says I was cheating on her, not in the physical sense but in my mind and I have to agree with her. I don't do any of the fore mentioned activities any more but I know this is not enough for her as I have lost all trust with her so I guess this is really a trust issue? What do you think?

[fortbliss]

Originally Posted by The Skeezyks

Hello fortbliss: Welcome to PsychCentral. PC is a great place to gain support, learn strategies for handling mental health concerns, & to make internet friends. There are many wonderfully supportive members here on PsychCentral. Two forums that may be of interest include:

[
With regard to the particular problem you describe in your post: it's somewhat unclear to me exactly how this developed. Had you begun this practice prior to the beginning of your relationship with your GF? I also don't know how old you are. Anyway, a couple of things occur to me.

First, as men get older (& I don't mean "old"... just in or perhaps approaching middle age, impotence can begin to rear it's ugly head, so to speak. Also, if a man is taking, or has taken, any kind of prescription medication, or used drugs, this can have an impact as well.

But the other things I suspect are coming into play here are guilt & fear. You feel guilty about your picture viewing & masturbatory activities. This guilt is causing you to have difficulty maintaining an erection. And every time you experience a loss of erection, you confront the fear that it may get worse. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

As to why you don't have this problem masturbating to pictures on the computer, well, neither the computer nor the pictures can judge you. You're alone, & in that sense, safe. I would venture to guess that telling your GF you just couldn't have sex anymore took allot of pressure off of you. As to why you might have needed to be relieved of this pressure, this is something that would need to be explored in therapy.

Also I would suspect that masturbating to pictures on the computer has, at this point, become something of an addiction not unlike an addiction to porn or gambling or anything else people become addicted to. If in fact this is the case, then individual therapy is perhaps the best solution long-term. You & your GF may want to participate in some couples counseling as well. Over the short-term, you might consider trying some Viagra or Cialis. Talk with your doctor about this.

correspond with other PC members in real time. These chat rooms are listed on the community calendar showing the dates & times they meet:

Should you have any questions or concerns, feel free to contact any member of the Community Liaison Team. Best wishes...

I want to say thank you as I think you nailed it as far as the masturbation goes and yes it did start prior to the relationship with my GF. I am almost 52 years of age and the erection issue started while I was still married to my ex-wife ( I have had almost life long diabetes) which contributes to the erection problem and I was alone and not dating for 7 years after my divorce until I met my GF on the internet on a social network.
The real problem is I have broken my trust with my GF (she was married to a man who was physically cheating on her with 5 different women) and she feels that I was cheating on her by looking and masturbating to pictures of other women and I have to agree with her. I am seeing a therapist about this but my GF feels that it is moving too slow and so do I, I am not sure what else to do? I have talked to an old friend of mine who is a licensed and practicing Psyco-analist and she wants me to call another old friend of mine who went to school for psycology but is not practicing and I am willing to do this......