[Ihani]

For almost four years I've been identifying as an aromantic asexual, and I was proud of it, until recently.

I've never been sexually attracted to anybody until this one person. Beforehand, imagining myself having sex in general was just really nauseating, but now I can't help but want to have sex with him, but there's still something repulsing me away from it. In my head, I can fantasize about kissing and sleeping with him all I want, but when it comes to reality, I'm so uncomfortable around any sort of intimacy that even receiving friendly hugs make me feel strange in a bad way.

I'm not repulsed to the idea of physical intimacy as a whole - in fact, I'm primarily a romance writer who loves it when people are physically intimate, and I do get aroused by the notion of sex, but even if this man I'm sexually attracted to wanted to have sex with me, I would be turned off before anything even happened.

Never has this been distressing to me, but now it is. It doesn't feel normal, especially when suddenly I am feeling this, and I really want to be in a romantic relationship but I can't feel love as well (I really don't love anybody, which is also distressing to me). I don't know what's wrong or how to fix it.

I've never been sexually abused, and I've never been in a relationship before. I have mild Asperger's, but so mild that I don't even know if the term applies to me anymore as I get older, so that shouldn't be what's holding me back. However, I am transgender (AFAB towards an agender/transboy sort of thing) and I wonder if maybe it's my own physical dysphoria that makes me this uneasy - since, when I imagine myself as a boy, the repulsion isn't nearly as bad.

If that is the case however, I don't know how to get over it, since I'll always have these body parts and will never have the money to attempt to change anything. Besides, getting rid of parts won't change the fact that I don't have the parts I want to begin with. I need some advice or insight, I suppose.

Thank you.

Ihani, I hope this will help somewhat but please disregard if it doesn't:

You mention that you fantasize about kissing and sex but that when it comes to "reality, [you are] so uncomfortable around any sort of intimacy".

You mention that you have never been in a relationship before but it was not clear to me through this post whether you have had any sexual experience to base these thoughts and feelings on.

You may find that when you are in a relationship, your prior conceptions about sexuality will change and, that sex may feel like a natural next step.

[starthrower]

I'm asexual and have never been sexually attracted to anyone, and I also have mild Asperger's. I've been told it might be a sensory thing? Which would make sense since I'm not really comfortable even hugging people. I've kissed someone once as an experiment, and the whole experience made me want to throw up :/

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[Skywalking]

You may know this already, but there are identities on the ace and aro spectrums called lithsexual and akoisexual, and lithromantic and akoiromantic.

Lithsexual means you have the desire for a sexual relationship, but don't want to act on that desire or have it reciprocated.

Akoisexual means you have the desire for a sexual relationship, but if you acted on it and it was reciprocated, your desire would fade.

Lithromantic means you have the desire for a romantic relationship, but you don't want to act on that desire or have it reciprocated.

Akoiromantic means you desire a romantic relationship, but if you acted on it and it was reciprocated, your desire would fade.

Or you might be demisexual/demiromantic, and only desire a relationship with someone once you've developed a close emotional connection to them.

It's a big spectrum and the important thing is not to put yourself down. The way you are and the way you feel, are just fine.

I'm aro-ace so I get it.

[starthrower]

I've never heard of those- really interesting, thanks! I think I'm also aromantic asexual, am 28 and never experienced any attraction at all... But not sure how much is linked to ASD or eating disorder behaviours? A psychologist I used to see said that sexual attraction might come at some point, and just be delayed? But I'm pretty sure it would probably have happened by now...

[Skywalking]

It could be linked to those, but it doesn't have to be linked to anything, any more than any other sexual identity is. But if your identity is influenced by ASD or an illness or life experience, it's still valid. And if your identity changes in the future, that's okay, too. There's no wrong way to identify.

My psychiatrist grilled me hard about it. It was gross. There is definitely a phobia and erasure of aro spectrum and ace spectrum people. Hopefully in time it will gain more recognition and people won't act like there's something wrong with us.

I'm 31, never been attracted, knew since childhood I wasn't interested. It took a long time to learn about asexuality and longer to realize that's what I am!

[starthrower]

Can completely relate to that- when I tried to explain to my GP, he made me have blood tests to check my hormone levels and said that asexuality was "unnatural"!

[Trippin2.0]

Aaaah, so I'm Demi whatyoumacallit!



Now it makes sense why I have absolutely no interest in men or sex while I'm single.


Always thought I was some type of periodical asexual, and that its definitely linked to being in love.


Thanks for clearing that up for me!

[Skywalking]

Glad to help! asexuality.org has more info.

[lexxinski]

Ihani, are you happy with and do you love the way your body looks?

[Ihani]

Originally Posted by lexxinski

Ihani, are you happy with and do you love the way your body looks?

Other than the fact I'm transgender and have the wrong body parts, I'm pretty okay with everything. Body image has never been an issue for me. I can hardly stand to look at myself without clothes, though.