Biconfusion

I consider myself a heterosexual guy. To me there's nothing more breathtaking than a woman with a beautiful mind and spirit. Physical beauty is also important, but to be beautiful on the outside requires inner beauty as well. Superficial beauty vanishes fast, in fact it's not even real beauty in my opinion - but I digress.

Even since I was a young child I noticed I had a degree of fascination towards good looking kids and men. Having said that, unfortunately I don't think I can blame my father for this confusion of mine, since he didn't call me, out of the blue, a "f*gg*t" until a few years ago. As I was saying, I am fascinated by beautiful men as well. I'd see a good looking actor, for instance, and I will think 'boy, I would like to look like him', but I would also think that I'd like to meet him. If there's a person I know, for instance someone at my (former, since I graduated) highschool, I would think that I'd like to befriend the guy and get to know his personality. Or, when I was younger, if an older boy fascinated me, I tried to get his attention and stared at him with every chance I had.

Another thing that got me thinking is the fact that whenever one of my less intellectually and morally gifted classmates of mine joked about wanting to kiss me, I wasn't repulsed by the thought of being kissed by my own gender, rather I was repulsed at the thought of being kissed by that certain person. I didn't like their appearance, or scent, or mindset, personality etc you got the point hopefully. I still don't think for sure if I would have a more intimate relationship with the same gender, as a matter of fact I am one hundred percent sure that I could never love a man, I haven't even had what they call 'crush' on one either, just a fascination; having said that, sometimes I did think that if I'd be friends with James Dean for example, one of my favorite actors and a fascination of mine, and I'd like his scent, personality, etc, we might get a little closer.

In short, since English's not my language and I still find it difficult to express myself in it, I've always been fascinated by fine boys and men. I find it hard to see myself in 'that' kind of relationships with the same gender, yet I don't feel repulsed if thinking of it, if everything's alright with the person "of choice". So, what am I?

Romantic attraction and sexual attraction can be two separate things. You could be hetero-romantic and bisexual, meaning you're sexually attracted to both genders but will only love the opposite gender from you.

It's not a concept too many people are familiar with lol. Most people think sexual attraction defines romantic attraction, but that's not entirely true!

I wouldn't worry too much about labels though.

I'm not worried about labels, I just want to know myself. If I am 'hetero-romantic and bisexual' that is kind of weird and in a way confusing as well, because I wouldn't have an intimate relationship with a female unless I loved her, and if I could have such relationship with a male without loving him...Yeah, maybe I have many more things to learn both about myself and about this whole thing.

Attraction is a confusing thing lol.

Firstly, Joy Division, I'm down with your musical preferences
Secondly, i think a lot of your confusion stems from society rather than you...does that make sense? I mean, you don't really need to know what you 'are', you don't need a category or classification. things are usually best if you just act like it's all as it should be. these emotions about men are really nothing unusual and maybe you'd feel better if you just let things be, maybe don't question yourself? idk, usually if i'm confused about that sort of stuff i just let myself be and i'm able to get some perspective.

I think it's the best thing to do, you are right! Thank you