Feeling like giving up

Hi,

Ill try to explain my issue the best, do appreciate your kindness in taking your time to help.

I moved to Melbourne in 2010, after marrying the person I knew for 10 years. We had a break between and lot of things we knew about us had changed. While at the start the excitement gave us what we needed to overlook they kept coming between us. But we had many good times. We saw our innocence each day, while we saw our flaws. She was one of the most innocent people Ive seen. We both loved eachother but since we treated each other not so well, we did not make it. I had a few anxiety episodes during the divorce after 4 years and I had about 5-6 sessions. her analysis of me was, that I have built my dreams around her, while I did not love her and had moved in to a rather taking care of her like a parent, I still feel lost as I dont have any targets or dreams without her. As if I lost my purpose. It was exactly how I felt. After about two months later, I met a girl, of same ethnic backgournd, we got along well. I fell in love with her deeply. And I started being quite happy. However she was used to different style of affection. After a serious relationship, she was in casual relationships for about two years, and was used to sleeping on the side of the bed, rather than holding. She would be close to me for a while not for long, if we are watching tv. This made me anxious and started feeling bad. During which time, she told me her made her orgasm every time she had sex, and had a larger penis. This was not said in anger or to put me down. We were discussing our past relationships. I've explained how in my past, during my marriage last three years its was pretty much masturbation than sex, how we had sex once a month or so, and how it was more avoided than looked forward to. How one of my previous relationship was the time I really enjoyed sex. Her ex, and my ex who I enjoyed sex with made us probably feel anxious. However I started feeling bad about this, that I cannot make her orgasm, least only once or twice during the eight months we have been together. And how she was hung up on my ex I barely remember. I am in my mid thirties and she in her late twenties. She constantly tells me it doesnt really matter if she orgasms, and what we have together is not casual. how she never wanted to be with them forever how she actually dream of marrying me. But this made me feel incompetent. While she says she is satisfied, everytime she might move away form me, cause of the way she enjoys affection I feel, she wouldnt have had stayed closer if I made her orgasm. I tried desentatising cream but that made it go numb and hard to get a erection. Mostly its not the cream. I am a very sexual in nature and usually have a hard on every hour or two. Now it barely gets up as i feel nervous. This takes my mind from work and all the rest of things. When I see her face in the morning all I want to do is be with her, make sure we end up together. She is a really nice person and we enjoy lot of things together. But because of my insecurity and anxioties built through lack of her orgasms, since If I go hard I ejaculate within few minutes, and If I go slow and my phase even twenty minues wouldnt do it for her, with all the foreplay before, I am loosing my mind. I have spoken about this with her, but she and I are not sure what to do. She says she is not bothered by it, and sorry that she said what she said. She says If i went harder a bit longer, she is sure she would and feels shes quite close to it. But comparing my self to a person who gave her that everyday for a month, to this I just feel anxious. After all this I feel at the start, I kept feeling I love her than I loved anyone before. But now I feel like giving up cause of all this. second guessing if we match in the way we show affection. may be I will never be able to satisfy the way her ex did. every time she says no to something I suggest, I feel this is because I failed to satisfy her. If she got what she wanted, she would have done it. But its really not the case. I know that. She takes care of me, and we are generaly living together now. But this issue is breaking us apart. Breaking me apart to a point Im going crazy, that I cant focus on anything else but that. Please help

There are all kinds of things going on here, not just one issue. You guys have relationship issues, you have performance anxieties and it sounds like some inexperience.

Concerning the orgasm issue; women typically require direct clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm. Normal penetration doesn't give that direct stimulation so you have to use other methods. I suggest learning and perfecting your oral sex techniques. Seriously. When she not only has an orgasm, but it's so hard she goes blind you'll both quit worrying so much about penetration.

Second, your penis size is what it is. There's no point worrying about it and it ultimately has nothing to do with "performance". As I mentioned above, it's possible to make her go temporarily blind without penetration. (Seriously, I'm not kidding about that.) So if that's the case, then penis size is irrelevant.

Third, and this is a relationship issue, you guys need to keep the past in the past. Ex's are nothing but trouble. Steve Harvey made the comment once that he didn't have any ex's. This wasn't him being literal, of course he did. What he was saying is that he didn't talk about them with his wife. He didn't have fond memories, didn't think back to them ... he focused on the here and now with his wife. Keep the past where it belongs and don't talk about past relationships.

Fourth ... this is getting long winded ... it sounds like you two aren't speaking the same Love Languages. http://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages...languages+book It sounds like you speak Physical Contact where she doesn't so you might as well be trying to have a relationship with one of you speaking Chinese and the other speaking German.

I strongly suggest a couple's counselor to help you guys get on the same page. It's not something you want to give up on, but you do need help getting on each other's wave length.

Thank you very much for taking your time to explain.

How do I perfect the oral sex techniques. While she likes what I do, it never got her close to an orgasm.

We have considered counselling on the affection being on different ways than we both would want it to be. In my mind if I get over the performance anxiety by being able to give her an orgasm, least a few times, I wouldnt worry much, thinking not having orgasms drives her, lack of affection.
Just do not know where to ask, what exactly to do.

There's a lot to perfecting oral sex, but it will basically drill down to 3 things:

1. Communication. You both need to work on being comfortable talking about what's working and what isn't. Some women are very sensitive and you have to be very gentle, other's require stronger technique. Sometimes you'll use your whole mouth, other times just your tongue and the more you communicate about where and how much, the more confident you'll feel about pushing her over the edge.
2. Time. Women, in general, have a longer latency period than men. So grab your goggles and swim fins and don't come up for air until you see the whites of her eyes.
3. Body Language. Done right, reading her body language requires an almost laser-like focus on her pleasure. During this, work to try to read her body language, the ebb and flow of her excitement. Putting your hands on her is not just about bracing or holding, but feeling how her muscles tense and keeping her tense, but not so tense it hurts. Listening to her breathing and changing things so it stays high in her chest (or stops completely ). Reading her body language can be tough and it ties back to early communication.

As far as raw mechanics go, don't go to porn to see how it's done. Porn's all about camera angles and such. There are books though on Amazon and Google books that detail the simple mechanics, then apply your communication, time and reading body language and you'll have a happy partner.

Could you recommend me a book please. All the how to articles I read online did not tell really get me there

Sorry about the slow response. If you search for the following, these might help:

A Man's Guide to Oral Sex
Oral Sex She'll Never Forget
The Best Oral Sex Ever - His Guide to Going Down

I found them on Google Play Books, but you might find them on Amazon and such. (Sorry about the lack of links.)

I live in Melbourne as well.