Who am I?

Lately, it hasn't been a question of sanity, because I don't live by my label of mental diagnostics. Lately it has been questioning my sexual identity and orientation. I am definitely a man; my head or eyes automatically turn when a good looking woman walks by me. I am aroused when having relations with a woman, in fact I find everything quite excitable about women. However, the old feelings that I have suppressed, I guess, have surfaced once again. I have never had intimate contact with a man; thou as a youth I did experiment with other boys, I enjoyed it, just like I enjoy women. My problem is that I have lived to social and "spiritual" norms and my mind is at war with its self. I feel disconnected and I feel trapped. I did come out as openly gay a few years back, but went right back into the closet; now only a few of my close friends, my sister and my counseling staff know that I struggle with my sexual orientation.
Now for my identity, as I said I a man, however I would love to have all but a few places of hair on my body completely removed from the neck down. Also I would feel absolutely comfortable wearing women's panties on a regular basis, it isn't a turn on or a fetish. If I were in an area where I wasn't known and had a good friend, I think I would even cross dress. I remember putting on make-up and panties and pantie-hose as a kid and loving it. I even liked it when my sister put me in a black frilly teddy.
I just want to feel normal and comfortable in my own skin and not have to fight this war of mind anymore. I live in a small community and it isn't quite socially acceptable to be gay or bi (which I am pretty sure I am bi). It is definitely not acceptable to leave the house in women's clothing. I just want to fit my own identity and not feel looked down on by anyone else. HELP!?!

Guess it could be a difficult path, in the beginning, since your community is what it is? If that's who you are, that's who you are. It's a time and age where paths are blazed, as it is.

This issue of identity is difficult for me but I have come to terms that it is okay to live my life and if some of it needs to be hidden, it is okay, I don't need to share with everyone that I have a mental health condition. Just like I don't have to share with people that I have an addiction to sex and porn (I am comfortable sharing that here). I love myself and I want to be in recovery and not be wrapped up in stuff that will bring me down.

Hi Calpoe1

Good fences make good neighbours, so even in a small town, nobody has the right to know everybody else's problems. But small town fever also means if one person disapproves, they all do. Seems small town hold themselves to a standard of morality higher than what they see in the cities around them. (I live in a small town)

You describe yourself as bisexual and I think you are correct in that. There is also no law preventing you from waxing or shaving. Infact professional cyclists are naked from the neck down, especially the groin area is exposed to a lot of friction that can cause ingrown hairs.

Perhaps cross dressing is your brain's way of rebelling against the hetrosexual stance you've taken publically. So get yourself everything you need, book into a hotel in a city and cross dress to your hearts delight for a weekend.

Tell people you're bi. It's not something you have to get over, it's something they have to get over. At the same time make it clear that whether you sleep with a woman or a man, your morals and your ethics don't change. Identity Schmentity - In Australia they now have three genders, M, F, X.

Last thing, the self blame. No, no. It is logical that in the absence of a reasonable explanation of rejection, the rejected will turn on themselves and find something at fault within themselves. There is nothing wrong with you just how you are. Hugs. Colleen.

Col/Vanilla Cake, thank you so much for your comment. I have only a handful of people that understand me and what I am going through. Though they seemed to have left me in the wind, that is why I came here. I am exploring myself, but I am exploring another ave of how I am as well. We are all complex beings and I am bi, however I am exploring another relationship that is considered taboo as well.
I did know about cyclist, swimmers do the same, and I am both. I just haven't completely done it yet, I would really like to do laser removal, but can't afford it now. Thank you for brightening my day, have a great one.