[Gemstone]

Welll..... This is embarassing.

I've never been comfortable with sex really. I do have good reason I guess (early sexual abuse), but as an adult this has made me feel really inferior.

I've had sex with different partners, but I rarely enjoy it. It not that I never enjoy it. Lately, I'm getting comfortable enough with my husband that I'm learning to be more comfortable, but this is all new for me. Its not all the time either. I have to be very relaxed in order to "let go"

Sex has always equalled shame for me. I get this awful burning anxious feeling most of the time I am intimate.

What makes me feel really bad is I have always faked orgasms. I guess to make the guy feel better about it. I've only recently ever had an orgasm.

I feel shameful even talking about this. I'm not sure why I am talking about this.

[seeker1950]

Don't feel bad for talking about it, Gemstone. That's the purpose of the forum!
I'm also always felt rather uncomfortable about sex, though for different reasons. I've also done a lot of "faking," though not with my last relationship. The fella was very good and the sex was awesome for me. It was a brief relationship, 3 years ago, ending with his rejecting me. Since then, I haven't allowed myself to have sexual thought!
Basically, as I've said here before, I think I equated sex with love. Since you are with your husband, it sounds promising for you, that you can gradually learn to relax and enjoy yourself.
Love,
Patty

[kimmydawn]

((((((((( Gem ))))))))

You've done well!

alot of times a survivor of sexual abuse have alot of difficulties with sexual acts and sex itself. that's its own thing.

however, more and sometimes worse feelings/difficulties can occur when pleasure does come into play. for our minds to associate pleasure with "that" can be very confusing and lead to self-berating thoughts and other issues.

i don't have advice on how you can help yourself feel better with it. i do know what helped me and that was the altogether healing with reminding myself that this was my husband and how it was supposed to be.

i just wanted you to know that you're not alone and that when you'd think, "ah, now this is cool..." there can be a confusion when it's mixed with a new level of yuck. In fact, I think that was the most confusing for me...the new level of guilt, disgust, fear, upset that I wasn't using to "fighting".

Love,

KD

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( Gemstone ))))))))))))))))

((((((gem)))))))

[drunksunflower]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Gemstone said:
I've only recently ever had an orgasm.

I feel shameful even talking about this. I'm not sure why I am talking about this.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I don't know if I have any place saying this, but ... you HAVE had an orgasm ... perhaps that is the start of better experiences for you ...? Some women never have one at all apparently!

I think you are amazing to have got through what you describe ...

One thing for me, I had a bad experience dont ask but i was travelling at the time and ummm when i got home i slept with a friend ... who i had had sex on and off with for what is now 10 years (when neither of us have been attached) and known since we were both 14 years old. And that was wonderful because it was someone I trusted ... I know you are married and it is a completely different situ, but just to share my experience I guess ... once you get trust back (or perhaps get trust in the first place for you) then it all gets a lot easier ...
maybe...

ahh but never feel ashamed. EVER.

like KD said, that's the point of this forum ...