Ashamed, guilty, and disgusted with myself

Hi everyone, I am new to PC. I feel very disgusted, ashamed, and self-hateful because of what I have done when I was beginning and in the middle of puberty. I'll try to start from the beginning and see if it adds more insight to my situation. When I was about 5 or 6 I would go to my best friends house, and he had a little sister who was just a couple years younger than me. Every once and a while we would play a game where I was the prince, she was the princess, and her brother, my friend was the bad guy. Every time I defeated the bad guy, me and his sister would kiss. Not like a make out session, just some pecks on the lips. I can't remember whose idea it was to kiss all I remember is that it happened, and I liked it. That is not why I am ashamed and so disgusted with myself. I myself have a sister and when I was 13, I began starting to have sexual feelings and not knowing what to do with them just like every other 13 year old. My sister was 8 or 9 years old at the time, and some nights in the middle of the night while she was asleep I would kiss her, not make out with her or anything just a couple pecks on the lips. When I did it I would close my eyes and imagine a supermodel. I never touched any of her private areas (except once I touched a boob and I stopped immediately because I knew it was wrong) or did anything else to her. Just some kisses. I didn't understand at the time what I was doing was wrong, I had an idea but I didn't think anything of it. I don't even think I had an erect penis, I just wanted to feel good. I understand now (not at the time) that since she was asleep it wasn't consensual and I don't have any attraction to anything like that. I was homeschooled during this time and didn't have many friends so I felt like that was my only opportunity to feel good. And at the time she was 8 or 9, and I was never attracted to her sexually and never have been attracted to a child. This was a long time ago, and I had almost forgot about it until recently but before whenever I would remember I didn't think anything of it. Now the past couple nights I have not been able to get any sleep and I have been so depressed because of how disgusted I am, I feel like I can't tell anybody because I am so ashamed and afraid to be judged. That was my sister, and I love her to death and I feel like I violated her. She is 12 now and she doesn't know. If she never found out I would be ok with that. I just need help moving on past the guilt, shame, and self-hatred. I just want to make sure I'm normal please help

hi annon
if what you describe of the situation is an accurate accounting, you can work on forgiving yourself. it does not seem that your sister was the object of a malicious act. you were not looking to get gratification from her. it was a supermodel you were kissing. the level of disgust you are feeling is not necessary for what you have stated as simple pecks. you are accurate in having taken advantage of her so i can understand your shame and guilt. this is something you may need some assistance working through.

welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

So you're about 17 now? Are you still living with your sister/family?

I don't think you intended to hurt her. Nor do I think that anything can be gained by telling her or your parents given that it happened 5 years ago and the behavior stopped as you didn't know it was wrong and you stopped.

I think you should try to work on self forgiveness.

This is a grey area and has the potential to be grossly misconstrued if you discuss this in anything but an anonymous fashion. I'm not trying to scare you, however things like this in the hands of a crusader type can do more damage than good.

Yes I am still living with my sister and my family. I told my mom yesterday and she did not judge me, at my first she didn't believe me, she thought I did more than the pecks. She forgave me and told me she would have to tell my father, I accepted. She told me she loved and forgave me and everyone makes mistakes and can't beat myself up for it. I feel a little better, but whenever I think about it I just feel a level of shame and disgust. It just hurts me that I'm gonna have to take this with me the rest of my life. And I don't want to I wish I could have just forgotten it and I wish even more it never happened I

Kids do a lot of weird stuff. I won't go into details, but I'll just say kissing your sister is mild compared to some things my kids did. (Nothing serious, just kid's stuff). Besides it is perfectly acceptable for you to kiss your sister. Not in a sexual way and preferably with her knowledge, but it does not sound like you used her for gratification, just practice. Many families kiss each other on the mouth even after the kids are grown. IMO you need to stop beating yourself up over it. You sound like a good kid to me. Leave the past in the past and look forward to the future!

Sorry, no free passes here!

I would be livid at you and my parents for y'all knowing you did this to me in my sleep and then conspired to keep it a secret from me!

You violated her boundaries while she was asleep and THAT IS NOT OKAY!

No matter how innocent or innocuous you claim it to be!

Only your sister can decide if she is or isn't okay with what happened, and only SHE can forgive you!

It's all about betrayal of trust!

The first betrayal of trust happened when you crossed a boundary with her while you thought she was sleeping.

The second betrayal of trust is the lie and deceit that you and your parents are committing in order to keep this a secret from her.

None of this is okay in any way shape or form, and if y'all aren't willing to be open and honest with her about it then it's downright evil as well.

Sincerely,
Pfrog!

Hi Annon,

Firstly, I'd like to say that I think you are very courageous to have posted as honestly as you have here. I'm guessing it won't have been easy...

I think it is to your credit that you have challenged yourself so thoroughly over this behaviour but agree there may be some issues here that you may benefit from exploring in a supportive (therapeutic?) relationship. Given the circumstances you describe I can understand why you feel guilt and shame and think it brave of you to have told your mother. However I find myself feeling a little in agreement with Pfrog! in relation to this being kept secret from your sister. I'm inclined to feel she has a right to know, but think that must be balanced with what would actually be the point of you disclosing? Who would benefit from this?

Your story resonates greatly with me as I was molested by my older brother from age 10-12, him being nearly 4 years older. He was quite deliberate in targeting me, getting me alone and creating an atmosphere of secrecy and shame (mine). I have a better relationship with my brother today as I know he feels remorse for how he treated me (it was some physical and emotional abuse as well) when we are growing up. I wonder how your sister would feel if she knew what had happened and how much remorse you feel and why you were unable to continue taking advantage of her while she slept...?

I wish you well on your journey through this rough terrain...

Phx

I pretty much 1 million percent disagree with the frog. I know she has PTSD and I'm guesing its from sexual trauma. However, I don't think its right of her to lambast you for what you did....and then forgot! (uhm frog did you miss this part?!?).....and are now owning up to.

Yes, you kissed your sister. You didn't know it was wrong, and you stopped. You have now confessed to your parents.

At this point I STRONGLY urge you to stop and think about your next move. Chances are that your sister has no idea what you did to her. On the one hand, people deserve to know what has been done to them, but on the other hand, if you tell her that you used to kiss her in her sleep, she may react VERY badly. You could essentially shatter her sense of trust in you (and in guys in general). Telling her could affect her entire life in that if she can't trust a guy, she may never be able to settle down, and so on. Yes, that's the worst case scenario, but is it worth the risk? Also, your relationship with her will be forever damaged. There may no be getting back to where things were before.

Yes, kids oftentimes do much worse. Kids play doctor. Etc.

I'm a sexual abuse survivor, and if someone kissed me in my sleep, I rather not know. No, I would not want to know. Sometimes ignorance is indeed bliss. While telling your sister may help to un-burden you, in effect you are putting the burden onto her, and in a way this is a bit selfish. I think this is something that you should work through on your own and with your parents. I am glad that your parents are understanding.

Some may say that I'm advocating that you hide the truth from your sister. But again, its not about simply hiding the truth. Its about not putting your sister in a bad place. Its about not turning her into a victim. Its about not making her feel confused, upset, ashamed, guilty, and so on.

I am also cautioning you about seeking out therapy for this as if you end up in the hands of a crusader therapist, he/she would feel obligated....or possibly in their eyes, legally bound to report this incident to social services. You may be removed from the home, it could tear your family apart and so on. Some may disagree with me, however, in our current social environment, reports like these are taken very seriously. (Heck, in my state, parents are being arrested for letting their kids go to the park!....In other words, social services sometimes acts with a very heavy hand and does more damage than good.) I'm not saying "don't seek out therapy" rather I'm saying that there are mandatory reporting laws and if a therapist feels that you are in any way an ongoing safety threat to your sister (even if you are not), the therapist is legally bound to report this to the authorities/social services.

Its a tough thing to navigate through as you have a number of things to consider in all of this, some of which are compounded by the fact that you're still a minor living at home. I wish you the best.

It's okay for you to disagree with what I've said.

It's not okay for you to proclaim to "know" my diagnosis (which you got wrong by the way), nor to guess how it came about.

Pfrog missed nothing and still stands by what she's said ...

It's not the initial offense that's going to keep the OP tied down in guilt, shame and disgust for years to come. It's going to be the daily living of the lie (to keep it hidden, covered up, secret) day after day & year after year that's going to cause him the most harm over the long haul.

As painful as telling the secret is going to be, and regardless of the outcome, it is the only way the OP is ever going to be able to truly be free from the painful emotions he's experiencing because of it.

There's a saying in recovery that we are only as sick as our secrets ...

These kinds of secrets not only have a negative impact on the person who's keeping the secret, but also on the person the secret is being kept from!

The sister may never be able to figure it out completely, but her intuition will know that her brother and parents are keeping something from her and, therefore, it won't be quite as secret as they think it is anyhow!

Sincerely,
Pfrog!