Sexual Deprivation

When sex is good, it's no big deal. But when it's bad, it's everything. Sex is the main problem in my marriage and the cause of my depression. It's become a control issue. There's so much to write, I'll have to do it in several posts.

First, it's a Jekyll and Hyde thing with him. Under normal circumstances, when sex is going to be a nice, loving act, he is horrible in bed. Can't kiss, fumbles around, does what I hate. But, for a time we had gotten into this cycle where I became emotionally beaten, then he would magically be seductive and good in bed.

I stopped this cycle by refusing to have sex with him once I am beaten, so no more good in bed guy.

My idea of what I need to feel loved is for him to be seductive at the times I think are appropriate. I have expressed this need over and over for years. He won't do it and acts like he has no clue, gas lighting me. He says, 'but you didn't act interested'. I tell him I don't want to act interested because that means to me you are making me initiate. I want to be the submissive!

So I stopped setting myself up for disappointment because I know he won't do it. New Year's Eve no sex happened. I got into bed at 12:05 wearing a sexy nightgown, hugging myself, feeling lonely and sorry for myself, feeling unloved. He came into the room and asked me if I was already asleep. I said I wasn't. He said there was something on TV he still wanted to watch in the other room. I said 'have fun'.

I was hoping he would make love to me, but he didn't. I told him a million times that's what I want, but he doesn't get it. So, I'm not angry at him anymore because I know he won't make me happy. But I can't live with the pain. I just sit in my room and cry. Now I'm taking an anti inflammatory pill that curbs my anger and knocks me out. I'm taking it around the clock just to deal with my psychological pain. I'll run out in a few days and ask the doctor for more, not telling him that it is over psych, and he'll give it to me.