[Avalen]

Hi,

I'm Avalen, I'm male and I love women. Then again, my greatest fantasy involves having sex with a woman and a man at the same time. I've also got tons of really "out there" fetishes and attractions. I've already accepted that I'm bi- or pansexual myself. Yet I've never "come out" to anyone in my life. I could come out, that's not what I'm worried in itself, since about everyone around me is pretty cool about that, but I just don't want to deal all of it. I don't want it to change how they talk to me or how they think about me. As of now, I've never had sex either. I've masturbated in extremely creative ways, with toys or no, but never anything with another person. I've also got loads of thoughts and fantasies about being a woman and having heterosexual sex while being the woman.

While I'm rather young(in my very early twenties), I've never been in anything even closely resembling a romantic relationship. I've had such massive troubles through my life that romantic issues have always seemed secondary, yet now that the other troubles aren't such a problem, I just don't give a damn anymore. Maybe if I run across someone I really get interested in, sure, I guess I could go after them, but that sure as heck hasn't happened yet. At the same time I wonder, who would be the person willing to take all of this on? All of my sexual-, never even mind my colossal emotional baggage? Am I "damaged goods" even before I enter a relationship?

That's just a skim of it all, but I don't know how to think about the whole of it. I'd like any and all insight to how to think of it all. Any support or encouraging words are also appreciated. Also, thank you to anyone who actually bothered to read through all of that.

Hi Avalen

I don't really have any advice, I just wanted to say you're not alone. I think I've got WAY too much emotional baggage for anyone to take me on too. I also really don't care. Im a lot older than you, but I can relate on a lot of levels to what you've said - including fantasies! Nothing you have said sounds strange or unusual to me. Personally, I think you should get on and enjoy your new life with your troubles behind you - and if you stumble across a loving relationship whilst doing it then great, but I wouldn't waste too much brain space on 'what ifs'. I've wasted decades doing that - it would be great to see you go a different direction.

Avalen, attraction and sex and two different things. You can be attracted but not have sex so that does not make you gay or bi. Everyone has wondered from time to time what it would be like. I have learned to be comfortable with my own company, and if someone special were to be in my life then if it developes fine. If not it is a blessing to have another friend. We tend to get into trouble when we look at people as sexual beings and not persons of value. Think about this and it might help you with the fantasizing. Ask yourself is this experimentation or boredom? And is it worth the risk to do so? Anyhow, being content with what we have often cures the roaming mind. tc

Hi Avalen, welcome to PC!

It sounds like you have a great sex fantasy life and there is no need to go rushing into things. You also sound like you have a really good head on your shoulders about not wanting sex to get in the way of friendships and thinking because it will.

Take it slow, because fantasy doesn't happen right away unless you go on Craigslist. Sometimes what's in our head is not the same in real life, but there is nothing wrong in fantasy. Sometimes it's better to keep a fantasy a fantasy, you'll know when.

Relationships come in all kinds and flavors...that up to you to decide. If anything, be a real careful and have fun!