Depression from form of BDD? Help please

Hey all, I will try not to make this too long, but would really appreciate all help.

I ask you take this thread just as serious as any of mental health issue. Cuz it's the same to me, and many men out there. If anything, I hope to get a ton of good answers on how to help myself so that when other men like myself google their issues, this can pop up.

Alright, to start off with, while I'm not a doctor, I think I may have some form of SPS (small penis syndrome) or whatever other variants there are of it. Hear me out.

I have done tons of research. I sit at around 6.75-7 inches Not Bone Pressed (the size you see). I sit around 7.25-7.5 bone pressed (the size you can insert). Most porn stars fall in the 6-8 range. So technically I'm large enough for all of that. I will go with the BP number because that's what studies use for average size is done off of. It's essentially you pressing into your pubic bone, and leaves no one at a disadvantage because they have a thicker fat pad. It so to speaks, levels the playing field.

Now, I know that average is around 5.1-5.3 inches long. I have done tons of reading and I am in the top 3.5% on length, and with length and girth put together, rank in the top 1% (99.09 percentile)...

So if average is 5.2 and I am 7.25, whats the big deal?

Now I don't want to make this a nasty thread, because I really do need help. So I'll move onto the mental side of things.

When I look down, all I see is small. No matter what. Even when I look in the mirror, I see an small appendage. It makes me sad. I know that woman don't really care about penis length, but this is an issue in my own brain. So I am super insecure. Like, pretty badly insecure. It even annoys myself. I have a Fiancee that I've been dating for over 6 years. She loves me, she loves it, and thinks it's huge.

But I never believe it. That's where I think the mental health and syndrome comes in. From what I've read, I'll never believe it. But I haven't found any remedies to help me move forward.

I feel like personally, watching porn at a young age like many of my male counterparts really screwed with my head. I didn't learn until just a few months ago that it's all a lie, and totally set up. Like, TOTALLY SET UP. I had no idea. It also probably didn't help that my GF when we just started dating said her last guy was big. But, that was before seeing mine. Now she says I'm way bigger (she calls me huge), and this is the first time she's felt "full" and first time being poked in the cervix.

I also know that the % chances of her having a guy larger than me are very, very small considering she has only been with 3 guys before me. Two she never had sex with because they were small, but she loved them. But she loves sex with me and wants it all the time.

So that's kinda a back story of everything, but it's gone downhill for me the last few months.

I have worried myself to death, and to the point where I have online pictures and I have been asking woman to look and tell me what size they think I am. It's like I am looking for an opinion for where I land in the size category, but I already know where I land. It's become a TERRIBLE habit and I've been doing it for a few months now.

Worst thing is, I have no idea what I'm trying to get out of it! It sounds like I wanna feed my ego but I don't. I just wanna try to prove to myself that I'm in the big category, and I've gotten tons of womans opinions on it.

It's like i'm searching for a jewel that doesn't exist. It's hard to explain. Really hard.

I wanna get better, but I don't want to go see a therapist. That's super embarrassing and I'm not sure my fiancee would be ok with it. She doesn't know about any of this. She knows how insecure I am, but not that I'm searching for the lost treasure of my sanity.

She compliments me plenty to make me feel better (Or maybe she really means it and my SPS is just auto assuming it's to make me feel better), but it feels like it's just healing the surface, not the deep issue that I have inside of me, but can't identify.

Any idea's on what I could do? I tried to stay away.. but I find myself only staying away for a week or two before the habit comes back of needing tons of womans opinion on my size.

I could really, really use your help. I'm sure this is definitely not gonna be a normal mental illness thread. But I honestly think this is a large issue but men are afraid to come to terms with it. I just need help.

How do I prove it to myself? How do I move through this? Should I talk about going to a therapist with my fiancee? She is pretty closed minded and conservative, so I worry. I want this crap in my head to change so badly, it feels like I just wanna end my life. Too bad there's not a restart button to go back and fix everything she said, everything that I watched, and more. Man, this sucks.

Hello TransparentLies: Welcome to PsychCentral... from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit. I would have to admit that this is a concern with which I am not familiar. So I really cannot write much of anything to be helpful. Yes, I do think that seeing a therapist might be helpful. But try to find one who has some knowledge & experience with regard to your particular concern. A therapist who does not can do more harm than good, in my opinion.

By the way, there is also a men only Forum, here on PC. If you don't get the kind of response you were hoping for on this Forum, you might also try posting on there:

Men-Focused Support - Forums at Psych Central

Thank you, I know it's rather uncommon but I hope to get some help. Any ideas how I can find a therapist that may be in the field that can help me?

Hi In answer to your last question, it's often handy to do a search online for your local area, putting in key words... i.e. psychosexual therapy.

Ironically, my own therapist specializes in the above type, though I don't see her for that reason.

I wish you the best of luck