[BlueCrustacean]

I'll try to make this quick, since I don't like to go into it much. My sister is 16 months younger than me, yet has already slept with a lot of guys, and I have never been so much as kissed. I don't know how she does it. She did go to community college and I never did, so that may be why she was able to find guys to sleep with. I've only tried online dating, with as you can expect, meager results.

One time her friend asked her if she ever 69ed with a guy, and she answered, "I don't want to say it here" in front of me- which means she DID and didn't want to discuss it. This put me over the top. While they went clubbing and I decided to stay at home alone, I absolutely went insane with rage, upset, discomfort, embarrassment, jealousy and misery, knowing that she's done crazy things with men and I never have, and I really literally wanted to kill myself to end the pain. I screamed at the top of my lungs several times, but it didn't help me feel better. I even bashed the side of my head against the wall, but not hard enough to do anything. I ended up going to her room and destroying her filtered water bottle by throwing it against the floor, and that's when I panicked. I knew she'd find out and most likely yell at me when her and her friend came back, and I like her friend (female). I didn't want her to think badly of me at all.

So I texted her on her way home that I broke her bottle and to not freak out, but just talk to me privately when they got home.

I was still in tears so she knew I'd been staying up and crying, and I told her privately the truth, because I knew that lying wouldn't get her to stop questioning me about it. I told her everything, except that I was suicidal. She said, "well... everybody's different".

Now I've got a whole new problem, that she KNOWS, and it's embarrassing, and I worry what she may think of me, whether she laughs at me secretly and thinks she's superior to me, like I'm just an ugly little naive child and not a grown up adult woman compared to her- and she's the YOUNGER child. I had a good time when she didn't know, and I could act like I wasn't. Now that's gone completely.

However, I should probably mention that she was also sexually abused by my older brother when she was just a preteen. I've never had any sexual experiences with someone else, positive or negative. I mentioned something about "given her past", I could understand why sleeping around could be something positive for her.

The next day was her birthday. She turned 24. She slept in bed all day, though, and didn't want to do any fun events we'd talked about the days before. When we all finally went to a fancy family dinner at night, she came over in another car with my dad, and arrived visibly depressed and a bit teary eyed. I don't know why. I feel bad that I may have dragged her down and ruined her 24th birthday.

That was months ago. Truthfully, while I was alone in my room trying not to lose control, I desperately tried logging into this forum on my phone so that I could make a post about it, but I couldn't figure out my password. I tried to e-mail a reset password but I couldn't even log into my e-mail on my phone. So I freaked out, with no one able to help me. I did FB message one of my FB friends, but that was only AFTER I already wrecked her water bottle.

The reason why I'm finally posting this now is because my mom, sis and I were driving on the way to the grocery store, and the new Adele "Hello" song came on that she wanted to listen to. I said, "Change it! This is depressing!" and she retorted, "What, like you would know what she's singing about?"
I didn't respond. I've been thinking about that response for the rest of the day. It's too late to point out anything about it and try to "get back at her", especially since that will just lower me MORE and make me look even MORE insecure than ever. How do I get over this? I just want to move out as soon as I possibly can, but how do I live with her until then? I guess the same way as I always did before, when I could mostly forget about the embarrassment and inferiority.

Now I'm going to hate that song even MORE every time I hear it or think about it.

[LiteraryLark]

So what I hear from you is that you are ashamed of being a virgin. So what? I don't understand how this is something to commit suicide over. I don't understand this post at all. I don't understand why you feel the need to judge your sister because she's better at relationships. I don't get the water bottle issue either. You break something of hers, yeah I guess that's something to get mad at, but you can just buy her another one.

"Now I've got a whole new problem, that she KNOWS, and it's embarrassing, and I worry what she may think of me, whether she laughs at me secretly and thinks she's superior to me, like I'm just an ugly little naive child and not a grown up adult woman compared to her- and she's the YOUNGER child. I had a good time when she didn't know, and I could act like I wasn't. Now that's gone completely." You should really see a psych...this is not normal thinking. I know my brother has had more sex than me (he lost his at 14 and he's two years YOUNGER than me) but I would never imagine he would laugh at me for that. I can't imagine any sibling laughing at their brother or sister for not getting "enough action". That's not normal thinking at all.

I don't know exactly what you told her but guilt tripping your sister by reminding her about her past sexual abuse is a horrible thing to do right before her birthday.

And why on earth would you want to move out just because your mom made some rude remark about an Adele song? Really?

Do you have a psych? I would seriously suggest that you bring this up to your doctor, because none of this makes sense and it doesn't make you seem like a nice person at all.

[TishaBuv]

I actually do understand this. But, I also agree professional help is needed.

Your sister is coping with the incest in her way. She is being promiscuous and acting like she is a 'grown up'.

You are stunted in your sexual development. Also, the way you handled your frustration and jealousy was not healthy. A lot of what you're feeling may also be a reaction to the incestuous sexual abuse your sister experienced.

Does your mother know your sister was abused by your brother? Is that even true?

[Serzen]

You know, you're not inferior or less worthy for not having had sex... You will when the right person arrives.

First you should resolve some immature issues you have in your head, then proceed with your life naturally. Don't rush it. Breathe.

[BlueCrustacean]

Okay, so I'm a horrible person now? And I'm "stunted in sexual development"? Is that supposed to make me feel less ashamed and worthless about being a virgin? How exactly am I sexually "stunted"? How could you say such a thing to me, when I'm already suffering from these thoughts? Please explain. And also explain why saying she's "better at relationships" than me is supposed to make me not feel worse.

I have a really hard time believing that you could not fathom siblings making fun of siblings for their "faults". School kids make fun of each other all the time for not having enough sex or sooner, and siblings are even worse. I also thought she would get really angry and yell at me in front of her friend when she found the broken bottle, and that her friend would also stop liking me because of the whole ugly situation. It seems that everything about your post is designed to distance all understanding and sympathy from me, acting like I'm an alien. I do not understand how your comment is supportive or helpful in the slightest.

It's not just shame over being virgin, it's shame over my YOUNGER SISTER, who I feel like I'm supposed to be more mature than since I'm older, has had more sexual/relationship experience than me. And she rubbed it in my face the other day by that Adele remark.

And please, to the other two, explain to me what about my comments makes me "immature". I know my whole post sounds like a hysterical, immature 13 year old girl and I'm not exactly proud of it, which is why I posted it in all its ugly glory here anonymously, expecting kindness and understanding, and I know it's not right to think any of these thoughts, but please explain, point by point, what I said that was "immature", and why. Humor me.

Your responses are really not making me feel better. I am not a horrible person. I did not TRY to make her feel bad. I did not realize that bringing up the subject of past abuse would make things worse for her. I am not knowledgeable in that area. And I can't believe I'm now defending myself against personal attacks on my character when I posted this in the first place for help and support.

Do I deserve to feel bad about myself? Do I deserve to feel like an attacker and monster? Do I deserve to feel stupid? Well, luckily I've begun to feel better on my own before I read these responses, while focusing on other things.

Do I need to apologize to her? Or will bringing it up AGAIN only make her worse? What do you suppose I do, other than spend money I don't have on therapy?

[BlueCrustacean]

Anyway, I've had it with people who don't know how to be helpful and supportive and go out of their way to be cruel and ignorant towards sensitive people. No more. I'm done with this forum. See ya! I'm sure you'll rejoice with glee as I leave.

[TishaBuv]

I should have explained my wording better than saying 'stunted'. Sorry that it hurt your feelings. Here's what I meant: from what I read, I think you are at least 25 years old. You talk about having had zero intimacy experience and fear of sex. So by 'stunted' I meant that there is some issue with you in your feelings about sex that is not developed. Not that I am saying it's not perfectly fine that you are a virgin.

I'm not saying you or your sister are bad at all. I think the issue of your brother sexually abusing your sister might have had a really big effect on both of you.

[LiteraryLark]

I'm sorry we can't give you the answers you'd like to hear. I truly cannot understand how you can feel the way you feel for being a virgin and the need to compete with your sister. Most siblings do make fun of each other, but to be honest my brother and I would never speak of our sexual past. Why the hell would I want to know who and how many people my brother has had sex with? That's gross. My brother would never come up to me and ask about my sexual history, and I believe most siblings wouldn't discuss their sexual history with each other. How on earth could this be a competition to be had with my sibling?

And I'm not trying to think of you as an alien, I just don't understand your thinking.

[BlueCrustacean]

Originally Posted by LiteraryLark

I'm sorry we can't give you the answers you'd like to hear.

I truly don't understand how "you don't seem like a nice person at all" is a constructive statement meant to help, and not to be bullying. Like I said, it was not my intention to make her feel bad. I had no idea that it would. I am not a cruel, bad person, like you seem to think I am. I made a mistake, but I am still human, and still a good person deserving of love, despite what you may assume from a post of mine, from a bad time in my life when I wanted to commit suicide.

All I've really gotten from your input is that you don't understand me at all, I'm dangerously insane and also a terrible human being. That's pretty judgmental. It doesn't make you seem like a nice person at all.

[LiteraryLark]

Originally Posted by BlueCrustacean

I truly don't understand how "you don't seem like a nice person at all" is a constructive statement meant to help, and not to be bullying. Like I said, it was not my intention to make her feel bad. I had no idea that it would. I am not a cruel, bad person, like you seem to think I am. I made a mistake, but I am still human, and still a good person deserving of love, despite what you may assume from a post of mine, from a bad time in my life when I wanted to commit suicide.

All I've really gotten from your input is that you don't understand me at all, I'm dangerously insane and also a terrible human being. That's pretty judgmental. It doesn't make you seem like a nice person at all.

Anybody can ask for support and advice here and receive just that. You, however, posted a rant, not asking for advice or support, but a one-sided rant of your frustrations. So what did you expect?

I'm not attacking you. You're reading into things too far. I'm not a sugarcoater. That's not what I do. I don't come here and be all hugs and kisses with everybody. I come here for my own problems to be answered. I'm asking you to clarify what I don't understand and I'm not getting any clarification therefore I can only comment on what you have provided. So don't attack me because I'm questioning your rant.

[BlueCrustacean]

Originally Posted by LiteraryLark

Anybody can ask for support and advice here and receive just that. You, however, posted a rant, not asking for advice or support, but a one-sided rant of your frustrations. So what did you expect?

I'm not attacking you. You're reading into things too far. I'm not a sugarcoater. That's not what I do. I don't come here and be all hugs and kisses with everybody. I come here for my own problems to be answered. I'm asking you to clarify what I don't understand and I'm not getting any clarification therefore I can only comment on what you have provided. So don't attack me because I'm questioning your rant.

Perhaps it's miscommunication then. I didn't think you actually wanted me to clarify anything. I thought you were just stating that I'm confusing. As far as clarification, I'm not sure what to say except that sometimes I feel like no one wants me when I remember that I haven't had a real relationship yet. All the guys I've dated, either I wasn't interested in them, or I was really interested and almost desperate for them to love me, being careful not to show it, and they rejected me. I've actually been friendzoned a few times when I asked for more, which so many men online think is not possible for women to experience.

My sister and I have always had a bit of sibling rivalry and ambiguity, although most of the time we get along well. She sometimes admits being jealous of me, and sometimes I get jealous of her. I honestly can't tell you why I felt the way I did that night, but the mix of feeling unwanted and unattractive because I still haven't gotten a guy to screw me, and her having all the fun in comparison, made me boil in a mix of rage, inadequacy and jealousy that I have never known, and to be honest is still a mystery to me. I also accidentally skipped my meds the night before, so that may have helped cause the mental breakdown.

Believe me, I know it's wrong now. I know that being a virgin doesn't necessarily mean that I'm ugly and no guy wants to have sex with me, or that I need to compare myself to anybody, or that I should care if anybody thinks I'm "less than" because I'm still a 25 year old virgin. I just want to wait for a guy I actually care about, who's attractive to me and interested in similar things with a compatible personality, before I rush into meaningless sex. Sometimes it's hard, though, when it feels like everyone else is having sex and you're the only one who isn't, and there must be something wrong with you if you're not. I still haven't found a guy who I'm compatible with.

It's even harder when people assume that if you haven't been in a relationship by now, you must be immature and stupid. Maybe I am.

I knew I could just buy her a new bottle, and I did after that trip, but I panicked and imagined her coming home and just screaming at me, not understanding or having any sympathy, but cutting into me demanding an answer to why I would knowingly do that to something of hers, in front of everybody, and everybody else would also think badly of me, call me crazy and never forgive me again- or at least never view me in the same way again.

I also have massive problems with guilt. Being a victim is easy, because you get to feel entitled to happiness. It's fun to vilify the villain forever until the day you BECOME the villain- and you know that people want you to feel bad, that you don't deserve any better, and they don't want to forgive you ever because you're a "bad person" who can never be good and who dies at the end of the movie, and everyone rejoices in the villain's death. It's like once someone decides you're "bad", that's the end of the story. You're bad through and through until you're dead.

[LiteraryLark]

[Thank you for your clarification. This is what I was looking for.

I think almost every person has been in your position. I think everyone wants to lose their virginity and then freak out when it doesn't happen by the time you're 18. I was the same way. I thought 18 would be the magical year that I would lose it and that all would be right in the world. I was very depressed when 19 came around and I was still a virgin. I didn't lose my virginity until age 21. I came up with a solid reasoning that I had "two" first times. I am someone who believes that any type of sex would count as losing your virginity, even oral sex. That's why I had waited so long, because I wasn't going to just give someone a BJ without intercourse. Well, that did happen though. My best friend who was gay wanted to know what it was like to have sex with a girl. I gave him a BJ, but when he came out with a condom on I freaked out and said no. I then had intercourse with another gay man a week later, but to me, I feel like I have had two first times, and that the first guy still counted in part of helping me lose my virginity.

Well, now that I am no longer a virgin, I'm not that into sex. I am obsessed with giving guys BJs, and once I give someone a BJ I want more and more. Sex can be a little addicting sometimes, once you've found something you really enjoy. I hate intercourse to be honest and at age 23 I've never had an orgasm from any methods of sex. I've tried **** but it is very painful and I've never gone ten seconds receiving ****.

To be honest, relationships are hard. I'm 23 and I've never been in a relationship. I've had sex with 6 guys and a girl with two of those people being in a threesome. The threesome was awful, it was with a coworker and her boyfriend, and later the boyfriend threatened to slash my tires and I had to have my boss walk me to my car I was so scared. Luckily for me, the girl quit, the guy quit his job, I quit my job, and now I work where he used to work. It all worked out for the best.

I've had a terrible time with "relationships". I've come between three couples, breaking up two. One couple were two of my best friends, and it just got messy. The second was my cowoker and her boyfriend, but they had their own issues. The third one was the gay guy I gave a blowjob two, and he told me he wanted to distance our friendship because of it. I don't remember the names of most people I've dated. It doesn't matter. When I date I want to aim for the long term, but none of the guys I've dated have made it past a month. I'm terrible with relationships. I've tried OKCupid, but that is very difficult for me to do. So don't feel bad that you've never been in a relationship...neither have I, and it's extremely hard work.

See, there's a bit of sibling rivalry with all siblings. I'm very jealous of my brother. He's very good looking compared to me, fit, a Marine, very good with people, very smart, a jokester and until he became a Marine he always had a very attractive girlfriend. My parents would always say "All the chicks dig Darien" and I have never had that attention from any boy. I'm jealous that my brother knows what he wants and has found himself a career right out of the gate, when I am 23 and still working minimum wage in fast food. All siblings have rivalry, but it's important to know that no matter how angry we get that they are our brother and sister and we are family and we love each other.

That's the thing, sex is very complicated. I don't believe that most people have only meaningless sex. I've had several hookups but I usually feel dirty afterwards. I'm someone who gets scared having sex. I'm always afraid I'll start crying during sex especially if I'm actually into the guy I am having sex with. Although, you do have some fun times having sex if it's the right person.

Yeah, I understand what you mean about being guilty about the water bottle. I am glad you admitted to your sister rather than hide it. I've broken things in anger, and my Dad and I have to lie about the scuff in the kitchen that my mom thinks that the coffee table did when in reality I got mad and smashed a plate on the ground.

I am glad we came to an understanding. Just know that yes, it's hard when you're still anticipating for sex to happen, but don't let it consume you or be hard on yourself for it. It will happen.

[BlueCrustacean]

Thank you. This is more like what I was hoping for. I honestly don't know why these feelings came back, but depressing breakup songs like Adele's always hit me unusually hard and trigger me into deep darkness, even though I've never *actually* had a long term relationship, just disappointing dates. Then my sister retorted "what do you know about it?", and I thought, "DAMN IT, she really is trying to act superior and snide because of her relationship experience and my lack therof". She's also much curvier than me, but I'm also much skinnier than her, so we both have hangups.