[lizzabell]

I want to preface and say that I understand that men's bodies are hardwired to need more sexual stimulation than a women's. I think men are hardwired to try and produce as much offspring as possible and women are hardwired to try and secure a mate to raise an offspring with. Of course there are exceptions, and we are more intelligent than your average animal so I think sexuality in humans is different for everyone. But nonetheless, I think by nature men's sex drive and libido is higher.

My finance would never cheat on me, but it irks me the amount of porn-like resources he keeps available to himself. He masturbates about twice on any given day, always at least once, maybe 3-4 times if he has the day off. He has snapchat where he follows large breasted models who post photos of themselves and he screenshots the photos and emails them to himself. He follows the same kind of women on his instagram and Facebook. He keeps a folder of photos of boobs on his google drive, which initially still had photos of his exes and other women close to him in bikinis, but I have since asked him to delete them. He has had a "momentary moral lapse" and taken photos of a girl in his class' cleavage without her knowledge. He still watches videos and has a plethora of sites he visits.

Oh, and he's lied about all of these resources. Saying the girl on his instagram is an old friend from his hometown. When I asked him why there was a photo of the girl's cleavage on his phone he said "no there's not". When I initially asked him to delete the photos of his exes from his folder, he said he would try but couldn't figure it out. I found out a year later, he hadn't tried at all and I asked him to let me try and after 5 minutes of selecting and deleting, they were gone without much difficulty at all.

I can't help but feel gross and like every time we are intimate he is imagining other women. I've asked him to dial it back and he says he will but its been an empty promise and absolutely no effort has been made, he just tries to keep me in the dark about everything. He says his secrecy is for my benefit so I don't feel insecure about the women he looks at. He says "tits are tits" and explains that he doesn't think about who they belong to or want to be with anyone else but just saves images that he finds easy to pleasure himself with.

To be honest, I feel like he is still lying and hiding so much from me. I find it incredibly hard to trust his word. We had a falling out last night and he is very much so in love with me and willing to try and work this out, but I feel disrespected and lied to. I love him as well but I absolutely cannot live like this. I have to force myself to not look at his phone and invade his privacy but I just can't trust him and he won't let me even touch his phone or laptop.

We live together and despite the issues with his high sex drive and porn addiction, we get along well and I'd say he's my best friend. But this porn thing makes my heart feel like its slowly boarding up and I find it harder and harder to discuss the same issue over and over. He gets so angry every time I try to discuss it, he usually either falls silent or yells at me for being insecure and not trusting him.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Was he actually diagnosed with a porn addiction? I would talk with him and he should seek therapy for this. I wouldn't be ok with it if it was me especially taking pics of other women and keeping pics of ex's.

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[Bill3]

Addictive behaviors, denial, lying, not making any serious effort to change despite promising to do so, hiding his phone and laptop from you and claiming that it is for your own good, treating you with disrespect, unable to discuss issues without anger or silence, blaming you for your utterly reasonable questions and desires, being untrustworthy, calling you names, making intimacy feel gross for you.

The above is what he is doing now and it will continue indefinitely unless he seeks help.

If the above (without dramatic change) does not add up to being a dealbreaker for you, I suggest that you ask yourself why it is not.

What sort of life together are you looking for and dreaming of, and how close is your current life together to the life you are looking for?

When are you planning to get married?

[adam_k]

Trust is very important. Things just don't work well without trust. I wouldn't let trust fall by the wayside because he gets upset.

Not to defend him but he isn't alone in watching adult movies. It's a serious problem if he is using that as a replacement for intimacy. For me mastrubation and intimacy are two different things. The visual help me get there. Intimacy is a lot more involved and its about knowing and having fun with someone else.

Just because he finds some women attractive doesn't mean he doesn't find you attractive. Personally I find a lot of women attractive and it doesn't change my opinion. Looks are looks, what matters is what we do with those feelings. If he sees some hot woman and losses interest in you because of it then he is a jerk.

I hope you get the relationship where you want it to be. Stand up for yourself and in a healthy relationship you shouldn't have an uncontrollable urge to check in on him. He is the one who violated your trust and it should be his task to make up for lying to you and earn some of your trust back.

[kipper-bang]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Addictive behaviors, denial, lying, not making any serious effort to change despite promising to do so, hiding his phone and laptop from you and claiming that it is for your own good, treating you with disrespect, unable to discuss issues without anger or silence, blaming you for your utterly reasonable questions and desires, being untrustworthy, calling you names, making intimacy feel gross for you.

The above is what he is doing now and it will continue indefinitely unless he seeks help.

If the above (without dramatic change) does not add up to being a dealbreaker for you, I suggest that you ask yourself why it is not.

What sort of life together are you looking for and dreaming of, and how close is your current life together to the life you are looking for?

When are you planning to get married?

Great advice, I could not have said it better myself. Maybe she should ask him how he would feel if she had pictures and videos of men with great 6packs, or whatever her fetish is. I doubt her husband would like it and this alone should make it obvious that the relationship will never work.

[LadyShadow]

Very good advice on this thread, but men do it. They love porn! But its no excuse for mistreating you or not giving you the relationship you desire.

There are men out there that could treat you better. Don't settle if you're unhappy.

[Lost_in_the_woods]

I agree with much said above. Basically you can not change another person..change must come from within. But if you allow another person to repeatedly step over your clearly stated boundaries then you are allowing that person to change you and not for the better. Staying with someone who does not share, compromise, or respect your boundaries and values is just a recipe for unhappiness and suffering. You have to be true to yourself and your values first and foremostly. IMHO, he does seem like a bit of a pig. I mean, if you're an understanding woman who respects his need for porn, for a decent guy that should be acceptable terms. But for him to flaunt his masterbaturary addiction for every and any girl who's willing to throw their "tits" all over the internet, not only to your face but also all over social media... that is disrespectful to you. And he clearly, knows his personal values and boundaries...but they are not in line with him saying he wants to be in a serious relationship with you. If you truly love and respect someone THAT relationship would take presidence over his "relationship" with random TnA. Please don't allow yourself to feel degraded. You sound like a great woman and you deserve better. Walk away before you loss yourself further. Hopefully, someday he will either realize he has a problem and get help or maybe he just needs to grow up a bit more....either way he's not ready yet... Find someone who is.