Came out to family member.

Hello all. I'm in my 20s & I live with my grandmother and my mother. I'm a survivor of childhood sexual abuse (one of the perpetrators is my grandmother; I was 5 when it happened) and my mother knows this, yet is in denial about it.

I spoke to my mom and told her that I really wanted to come out to my grandmother because I wanted to be myself in my own home. My mom was really hesitant, but then she said that she would think about it and figure out how to tell her and when the time was right. I told her to come back to me and let me know when a good time would be to tell my grandmother.

This past Sunday, she suddenly comes in my room and says, "It's time to confront your grandma. I told her you're gay". This was NOT what I was expecting.

I went to talk to my grandma and she looked like she was going to faint. She couldn't even look me in the eye and she said, "I have to say, I'm disappointed". So I said, "I'm still the same person I've always been", and just went back to my room.

A couple of hours later, my mom comes in my room and says, "You got what you wanted. How do you feel?" I told her she completely misunderstood what I said and that I wanted to be the one to tell my grandmother. She got defensive and said, "Oh I'm sorry. I didn't know. So what? Is that another problem for you?" I just said no, and changed the subject. Then she said, "Your grandma said that she had a feeling you were gay and she feels bad for saying so many homophobic things over the years". If she had an idea I was gay, why didn't she just stop making homophobic comments?

Today, my mother comes in my room and says, "Your grandmother said that she'll accept you because you're her grandchild and she feels bad". I said, "She's saying all of this to you. Why isn't she saying this to me? She hasn't been making any effort to talk to me since this happened". My mom gets mad and says, "You get angry so quickly. You have to meet her halfway. She's from a different generation". I said, "I'm sorry if I'm having a hard time getting close to my grandmother, the same woman who has made homophobic comments for over 10 years now, since she had a feeling I was gay". My mom got angry at that.

Should I not be mad at all of this? I feel like there are so many things wrong with this. My mom randomly telling my grandma I'm gay without giving me any warning because she said, "The holy spirit told me it was time to tell her". My mom is in denial of my abuse at the hands of my grandmother, my grandmother has been abusive to me in other ways. So why does it seem like I have to suck everything up and appease to her? Why is it that I never have a voice in this house? Since I was a child and abused, I've been taught that I don't have a voice and I'm tired of that.

Am I overreacting? What do you guys think? Any advice? Thanks a lot.

I am sorry you are going through this,I don't think you are overreacting.Your mother had no right to be the speaker for you,and your grandmother is wrong for the way she is acting.
Honestly,I would pick a day and sit down with your grandmother,just you and her and see if you can't talk out your problems and I mean every problem.
As for your mother tell her you have your own voice and you will do the talking for yourself,That you don't need her to be your speaker.
I hope things get better for you.

I'm sorry sweety, but what does your Grandma have anything to do with your sexuality and preference? Personally I would've been done with her so long ago.

You do not need her approval from her for you to be you, this isn't The Godfather.

I just don't get it.... You do you, not her or your mother. You are your own person. Like she doesn't have issues herself....

Live your life and do you. She don't approve...that's on her limited thinking. Sure she is old fashion, but shes a child molester according to what I read. Pity her but pay her less respect. Imho.

Thanks a lot for the support! You really understood what I was getting at and I appreciate it. I actually tried sitting down and talking to my grandmother. It was no use. She basically said she doesn't agree with my "lifestyle" (I've always hated that word). But she went on to say she still likes me. I don't agree with that. I don't think she likes me and I've just been distancing myself from her. It's very hard to do that when we all live together and my mom has actually asked me to get closer to her instead of "shunning" her. So I'm being guilt tripped and it's a bit tough. I'm still distancing myself from her. That's the best thing to do for now. Thanks!

Thanks for the response and support, but that's a lot easier said than done. I don't need her approval but I think the point of my post wasn't understood. Regardless, easier said than done. I could do all of that if I didn't live with her in an apartment. But I do. It's just...Idk, the only people who seem to understand what I'm going through is the members in the survivor's group I go to. Responses like this just make things sound easy, when it's way more complicated than that. I'd be done with her if I had a job, had my own apartment, etc. But that's quite difficult for me right now. So I'm waiting until I get my degree and I'll have a better chance at getting a job.

I'm aware that I'm my own person but my problem was that this whole situation took my voice away and that has been happening since day one. It's what Clairvoyant Boy said; I don't need anyone speaking for me.

I wanted to come out to my grandmother so I could by myself in my own home and so my mom wouldn't keep telling me to whisper whenever I told her I was going to Pride, or whenever I was talking about a woman I liked. Yes, my grandmother doesn't matter where my identity is concerned but when you're living with someone who stifles you in a myriad of ways, you'll want to be free and unapologetically yourself at some point.

I came out to my parents my senior year of high school which was (Im showing my age here but) 12 years ago. I knew I was gay when I was very young and like you, the thing that held me back was the homophobic comments. My mom would make comments whenever she would hear or see something about a gay person and say "Thats not the way God made you" I think your grandma (like my mom) truly did know that you were gay but didnt want to accept it and thought that by making those comments that you would "choose" not to be gay. I know its not a choice, but its hard for people who arent gay to understand how we know that we are gay.

Flash forward six years later when I had my first "real" boyfriend. I took him to meet my parents and they absolutely loved him and would ask about him whenever they would see or talk to me. You just have to give your mom and grandma some time to let this sink in and for them to come to terms with it. No, I do not agree with your mom telling your grandma because it was not her place to tell her. But the bottom line is, you just have to give them some time. Its not going to be overnight or next week. It took my mom a couple years and my dad a year longer to come around to the point where it doesnt even bother them in the slightest anymore. Dont start any fights, dont instigate any arguments, and dont bring it up unless they do. One day down the road when the time is right, you can bring it up and have a serious talk about it with your mom and grandma.