[foreverfrightened]

I can't believe I'm writing this but I don't know where to turn. I will get straight to the point. I have pretty severe OCD and general anxiety. Part of my OCD is about cleanliness and obsessions with never committing something morally or legally wrong. I have a huge problem, which is that I remember as a child and teen, I was a bit naive and did not realise that touching yourself was a sexual thing. I used to do it when I needed to urinate - I guess I liked the feeling but I didn't know anything about sex. Anyway, I didn't realise or feel like it was sexual or wrong and so I was not always very discreet when I did it. I have this horrible memory of me doing it even if other people were in the room - though I'm pretty sure they never realised. When I was about 16 I think I may have done it when my friends were asleep next to me in a tent. I just didn't think. I don't understand why I was such a sicko. It was almost like a habit that I found difficult to grow out of. Anyway, the thought of doing that now horrifies me to the point that I've been thinking about suicide. I never ever touched another person or anything like that but I feel like I committed some kind of offence and I do not know what to do. I can't tell anyone because obviously it's really disgusting and creepy. I try to tell myself that people I know have had sex with people while their friends slept in the bed next to them but somehow this doesn't feel the same. I had such a great life before this realisation (I feel like I kind of repressed it) and now I've given up and I feel like breaking up with my boyfriend of 5 years because he shouldn't be with someone so disturbing.

Please, any advice?

[CANDC]

Hi foreverfrightened. Welcome to Psych Central. I am sorry you are feeling guilt about touching yourself. That is something a therapist might be of help to dealing with feelings of guilt. I do not see anything morally wrong. I do not know the laws of your country and religion so I cannot say if they believe that it may be wrong.

This article may be of interest
https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-top...-masturbation/

[Ubuntu1]

Since I also have OCD, I can identify what you are doing right now and it is looking for reassurance. Just as a purely statement of fact, several of my friends have admitted to masturbating somewhere besides the privacy of their own room at some point in their life. I myself did it in class once in 8th grade. I'm not exactly proud of it but when you are young your hormones are going crazy and you can't help it. Everyone has stuff like that they've done when they were younger and if they say they haven't they are lying to you. If you admitted this to your boyfriend he would likely admit to something similar to what you've done. You are probably even in the same boat as him if he admitted all the things he did going through puberty! Would you judge him as harshly as you are yourself if he admitted to all the things he's done (believe me he likely has some). Now aside from that, 100% of what you are going through is related to your OCD. I don't believe you have been suppressing the incidents all along, I think you were just ignoring them because they were useless information and someone not suffering from OCD wouldn't give it a second thought. However, your OCD has latched on to this (hence your realization) and you are looking for reassurance that everything will be okay. It is extremely hard (I know I have OCD), but I think the best thing you can do right now is say "maybe I did commit a crime , maybe I didn't. Maybe I am a sicko maybe I am not." Try to not answer the question your OCD is forcing you to seek because there is no answer that will ever satisfy you. Believe me, you will never ever find an answer to anything to do with the scenario you are in because it is based purely on OCD. I've had similar situations with my OCD before and the absolute only way to beat it is to ignore it and cease all searching for an answer. I have suffered too from morality based OCD. In the end you have to accept the fact that you will never live an unmarked life. Every person on the planet has done something morally or legally wrong at some point in the past or future. It's part of the human condition.
Hope this helps a bit.

[foreverfrightened]

Thank you so much for the replies.
I am actually from the UK but when I made the account I felt like I wanted to be as anonymous as possible. I am sure that your answer would not differ though, no matter where I'm from. It has made me feel a little better knowing people have not instantly branded me disgusting. It's just so difficult because I will never be able to change the past and control is something I struggle with.
Thanks again

[foreverfrightened]

Thank you for the replies
I am actually from the UK but when I made the account I wanted to be as anonymous as possible - I have changed it now. I'm sure that your answers wouldn't differ though no matter where I live. I feel a little better knowing people haven't instantly branded me disgusting and other people have done things that they would not now. It's just so hard because I can't change the past and control is something I struggle with.
Thanks again - and I'm very sorry if this posted twice, I was finding it difficult to navigate the page on my phone :P

[Ubuntu1]

I would suggest that you don't leave your boyfriend over this. If he found out that was the reason why he would probably feel terrible because it's something so petty that he has likely done before as well (just being real here).

[Erebos]

I have four children, have raised six. And ALL but one have gone through a phase of this. Some lasting longer than others.
It's a normal part of growing up,when they were little I paid no mind.
As they got older I never shamed any of them if they were in the family room. Often they didn't realise they were doing it. But I would say,
"I don't mind if you want to Do that but would you mind going to your room please.It's not something everyone needs to see."

Always kept it light or sometimes jokey.
It's really important to remember this is not sexual to children.
Only adults see this as sexual and become uncomfortable.
I am sorry you feel so distraught, please try and allow yourself some understanding.
Take care.

[Artchic528]

As a child, we all go through an exploration phase where we grow curious about our bodies and the physical space around us, and become aware of how there are differences between boys and girls. Out of said curiosity, we begin to explore our bodies and that usually involves using our fingers. Sometimes little boys and girls "play doctor" to explore the bodies of the opposite sex, but that involves looking, and sometimes touching. However, it's in actuality, all very innocent, as the only intention is curiosity and learning what makes us different from each other. Sure, for some there may be pleasure associated with these activities, but as young kids, we don't really grasp the understanding of sex and sexuality yet, so it's all pretty innocent.

I can remember exploring my own body when I was very small, and there wasn't really anything deviant or sexual about my intentions. It was all just pure curiosity. Of course, when I did this during sleepovers at my friends' houses, it was less than well received by said friends and needless to say, the friendship didn't survive. They started asking that I not come over to play, and that was that.

Naturally, these curiosities and behaviors evolve and grow into more and more pleasure seeking acts, such as looking at pictures and videos of naked men and women, but that's just another part of growing up. It's called developing a sexuality. For some, it's perfectly natural to not even be remotely interested in furthering this period of self exploration, as they may be asexual, though some asexual folks do engage in self pleasuring. It all boils down to the individual, I guess.

Sure, some societies and religions demonize this behavior and see such acts as "impure" or "influenced by the devil" in nature, and that only furthers the stigma and shame associated with it. I honestly see the negative treatment of something that is an innate part of growing up to be rather damaging psychologically and physically to a person, especially young girls. For some societies and religions, it's thought that young girls should be kept as "innocent" and "pure" as possible until they are married and that went as far as their very thoughts. This made for some very scared, sexually stunted brides, come their wedding night. However, I digress.

It's all a part of growing up and learning about ourselves and whatnot. I wouldn't beat yourself too much over it.

[mmiikkeeyy]

First, suicide is not an option, your to good for that. I think all children iduldge in some form of sexual pleasure, but don" realize what they are actually doing. YOU DID NOT COMMIT A CRIME!!! RELAX! I did the same similar thing when I was younger, and I'm a man. A child doesn't know what masturbation is, they just know that what they touch or feel on there body, they enjoy it. Even at 16, your still kinda a child. Compulsion is something I have but in a different form. I like to wear diapers. It started at a very early age and can't separate from it. It's a compulsion I cant explain. So believe me your not alone. See if you can talk to a counselor about it And I"M sure they will help you.