Apparently I'm a "heteroromantic asexual"...

I've struggled with sexual issues all my life. Lot of sexual abuse in my past, so I can't really blame myself too much but...

It seems like the whole world is obsessed with sex! It's supposed to be one of the most "natural" things a human can do but... For me it's the opposite! It's awkward, painful, uncomfortable, disgusting, triggering and sometimes traumatic. The more I push myself to try to be "normal" and "just do it", the worse it makes me feel!

Ideally I'd love to have a husband and kids someday. But I just don't want sex, most of the time I hate being touched in general. Even cuddling is just weird and unnatural to me. Humans are too sweaty and smelly to be in such close proximity to.

So I did some research online and found out, contrary to what I've always thought, I'm NOT the only person like this! There's even terminology for it! From one of the first Google results: "Heteroromantic asexuals seek romantic relationships for a variety of reasons, including companionship, affection, and intimacy, but they are not necessarily sexually attracted to their romantic partners".

There are certain things about men that I find "attractive", but I never get the impulse to sleep with them, and I don't imagine what they'd be like in bed. Rather, I'm attracted to someone who is a good platonic match: intelligent, compassionate, patient, understanding, etc.

As soon as a guy I'm dating starts pressuring me for sex, I (sometimes subconsciously) make preparations to start breaking up with him. When someone keeps picking at the issue, to me it's extremely disrespectful and very selfish of them. If they knew how it felt to be me, they wouldn't be a pushy jerk about it!!!

I've had a string of bad relationships over the past 3 years. My self-esteem has been at an all-time low, so I've ended up with some real jerks! After all is said and done, my number one regret is always "I let that creep talk me into sex". Then I'm filled with regret and self-loathing for weeks at least. I can get over guys who use me for money or whatever. But sex puts me in such a bad head state, it's almost... dare I say? Re-traumatizing. And they care so LITTLE about what it causes in my brain, it just makes me feel vindicated when I break it off! So long, creep! Good freaking riddance!

Being asexual makes me feel like a freak. An alien. Less than human. Which is funny, because I find humanity to be one of the WORST diseases on this planet! I have a small circle of close friends who I trust, and everyone else is regarded with disdain and skepticism. I'm actually afraid to meet a man because my first thought is usually "how long before he expects sex"?

I can't keep living like this. The terrible memories that plague my waking AND sleeping life make me feel disgusting, like I should go bathe in bleach and fire. I know that probably doesn't make sense but... I'm tired of feeling used! Jeez! If men want sex so bad, well most cities have hookers, Playboy magazines, and blow up dolls! Go bother them and leave me alone!

Feels good to get that off my chest. Call it my "coming out" story haha

Yeahhh. I am not alone. I feel the very same way you do. Amazing. I have a history of sexual abuse to. I am married but have no interest in sex. I am with ya. It is supposed to be one of hte most natural things in the world. Well for me it is NOT. I have 3 kids so it is possible to find love, be married and have kids all while being heteroromantic asexual. Thank you for making this thread. Now I have a label for this and I don;t feel like I am the only one.

Thanks! It's hard to feel like we're the only ones, isn't it? So...alienating and alone...

Maybe someday I'll find a good guy but, probably not living where I am now. Lots of drunk jerks around here, decent men are hard to come by. Most just wanna get laid, then throw you away like a used condom. Gross.

For most men, sex is a huge must in a relationship. It's not about "getting laid" but rather the closeness and bonding it creates between couples. A relationship without intimacy is stale and lackluster to them. That's not to say there are men out there who aren't suited to your tastes in intimacy, or lack thereof, but rather, they are very scarce.

Also, you do realize that having kids requires at least some level of sexual contact? Right? Sure you could go the "IF" route, but where's the romance in that?

Artchic: You are very right. This is why I'm choosing to stay single for at least a year. It's not fair to a man who actually *likes* sex to ask him to wait for so long, that would make ME the selfish one. So I just don't wanna bother trying for a while.

And I know making kids requires sex LOL. But I don't want kids until I find a good man that I actually want kids with, and hopefully he and I can figure out how to make sex less scary for me (with the help of a good therapist of course). Believe it or not, I WANT a fulfilling sex life. But I haven't found a way to make it enjoyable yet, and I'm not ready for kids yet anyway, so really that's a moot point to bring up right now.

Eventually I'll find a professional who can help me work through my trauma. If I find the "right guy" (if that even exists), he'll be patient and want me to initiate sex when I want it, not when I just want him to STFU and stop bringing it up.

No sex might be "lackluster" or "stale" to some men, but I have other fun qualities. I'd like a partner to take with me while I travel, try skydiving, become SCUBA certified, etc. After enough time has passed and I trust him, I might just start liking sex. I don't really know for sure.

If that doesn't happen, I'll stay single until I'm 80, and die alone and unmarried without having kids. I don't NEED a man to make my life worthwhile. If some crazy guy WANTS all this baggage? Well he's welcome to tag along until I'm either comfortable with him, or decide he's driving me crazy.

No woman NEEDS a man (or ANYONE) to live a full life.

I hope you find a man out there somewhere that has these qualities. Surely there are some decent "not so thrilled about sex" kinda guys out there somewhere. I know they exist. A friend of mine is in the opposite situation as mine and yours. She wants it all the time and he does not. He's be fine to almost never do it.

Life is about so much more then sex. That is just a tiny piece of the puzzle.

I don't mean to chirp in late but going to third the you're-not-alone and man-this-sucks. If I were to label myself correctly, I'd say I'm a homoromantic asexual, which let me tell ya, made it all the more confusing growing up just waiting to 'get it' - that crazed feeling everyone around me suddenly had.

I too, have a few instances of SA in my past which may or may not have contributed to it.

Have you tried looking around online asexual spaces for men with your interests? At the very least, it may bring ya a few new friends to feel less strange in your ways?

Best of luck to ya!

justxholdon: I recently joined an "Ace" community called asexuality.org (AVEN for short). Haven't been there long but so far everyone I've talked/chatted with is very nice, and entirely sympathetic. They even have a "meetup" page so now I'm on a FB "aces" page for my state's capitol. Maybe (once I get a 'new' car) I'll actually be able to meet a few Aces near me! Here's to hoping

I wasn't sure if we could link to outside sources (being a newbie and all) but YES! That's exactly the site I was hoping you'd find. I don't use FB but I hope you continue to find wonderful and understanding people. I'm so happy for you!