I've been happily partnered for close to 9 years now. We are each others first real boyfriends. I struggled for a VERY long time to accept my orientation because of some extreme environmental factors, where as my partner seemed to have this rock solid resolve and sense of self growing up and was able to quickly accept himself and his desires. So naturally, when he was growing up and coming into manhood, he had plenty of exploration and experiences, whereas I on the other hand have none at all. Don't get me wrong, I'm very much in love with my partner and don't want to leave him. However.... I've been having these feelings that I have missed out on a crucial part of the self exploration and dating process by just jumping in too deep in the first relationship I found. Yes I still find him sexually attractive and adorable. But I can't shake this feeling. It has only been getting stronger the more I try to ignore it or the more time passes. I find myself fantasizing about so many sexual experiences I want/wanted to have in my life. But I feel like they are never going to happen. I've tried communicating this to my partner many times. And we've gone as far as to allowing someone come over to join in our fun. BUT. The only two people thats ever happened with have been of my partners choosing, which I allowed, because he was more uncomfortable with the idea than I was. The problem with that was that he was really into it, and I was not. Because we have two very different tastes in guys. So I'm hesitant to ever bring it up to my partner again because I don't want a repeat of the last time. I just find myself fantasizing about certain scenarios, but my partner isn't involved in them because he is way more controlling and honestly prevents me from completely letting loose. Which I think is the ultimate thing I'm really looking for. Just a completely immersive sexual experience between me and someone of MY choosing. I feel like if I can't figure this out in a timely manner then I am afraid that I will act on impulse and make a decision I regret. I never want to hurt my partner in any way. But I feel like this black hole of fundamental missed experiences is going to continue to plague me unless I find a way to resolve it. I just have no idea how... Anyone find themselves in a similar situation before? Or know someone who has? Just any advice would be helpful at this point. It's beginning to consume my subconscious, causing me to have vivid dreams of promiscuity and then I wake up feeling disappointed and sexually frustrated.

[azu-nyan]

Is it possibly just a bit of FOMO since you didn't get those experiences you feel almost build you up as a person?

That being said, I feel you should communicate this to your partner that the past experiences didn't really satisfy you as much because of your lack of interest so maybe you can have an experience with someone who you didn't feel wasted your time. I'm sure he'd understand if you two have already branched out but just be cautious to adhere to your partner's wishes too so you know neither of you are being neglected in some way.

Originally Posted by azu-nyan

Is it possibly just a bit of FOMO since you didn't get those experiences you feel almost build you up as a person?

That being said, I feel you should communicate this to your partner that the past experiences didn't really satisfy you as much because of your lack of interest so maybe you can have an experience with someone who you didn't feel wasted your time. I'm sure he'd understand if you two have already branched out but just be cautious to adhere to your partner's wishes too so you know neither of you are being neglected in some way.

I'm not sure if its FOMO or not. I'm not even entirely sure how to describe what pent up emotions I currently feel. I don't want to ruin what I've worked hard to build, but at the same time, I know I want more experiences. I've attempted to talk to my partner about the past experiences but it just upset him, saying "well I tried and you still weren't happy so I don't know what else you want". Tried telling him that the choices HE made weren't my cup of tea. He gets defensive and says that he doesn't find the guys I find attractive "aren't his cup of tea either" so we end up going in endless circles. And that only makes me feel more frustrated, because he cannot/will not see it from my point of view. I'm not sure what else I can do. I just don't want to get to a point where I feel so frustrated or something that I make bad decisions or something... I'm just at a loss on what to do...

[azu-nyan]

Originally Posted by Whiis

I'm not sure if its FOMO or not. I'm not even entirely sure how to describe what pent up emotions I currently feel. I don't want to ruin what I've worked hard to build, but at the same time, I know I want more experiences. I've attempted to talk to my partner about the past experiences but it just upset him, saying "well I tried and you still weren't happy so I don't know what else you want". Tried telling him that the choices HE made weren't my cup of tea. He gets defensive and says that he doesn't find the guys I find attractive "aren't his cup of tea either" so we end up going in endless circles. And that only makes me feel more frustrated, because he cannot/will not see it from my point of view. I'm not sure what else I can do. I just don't want to get to a point where I feel so frustrated or something that I make bad decisions or something... I'm just at a loss on what to do...

Have you confronted the idea that even though the people your partner brought into the bedroom with you two weren't your cup of tea, you let it happen because at least he was enjoying it? I get that you don't want to cross boundaries and screw up just because you wanted a taste of something you feel you may have missed out on but your partner was able to have the experience of doing things before you and during which you two brought someone else in. I guess the only thing I'd suggest is seeing if your partner is willing to compromise so you can have that experience and be able to let it go and not have this itch you're unable to scratch anymore, so long that it would make him jealous or hurt.

[wiretwister]

" .. Whiis
Mental Health Professional, Recovery Specialist .. "

what would you tell a client recovering from an addiction ... not saying your addicted but it does seem to me this ... (at least from my understanding of your post) ... is not a 50/50 equal relationship ... I guess you just have to decide to be honest with yourself or just "go along" with the status quo ... as an older man (60) .. I will tell you the hardest part of being this age is the regrets over my decisions ( wrong decisions or missed opportunities ) ... in the end only "you" can decide your path in life ... just be true to yourself ...