I don't know if this is pedophilia but I need to know

TW: Molestation mention, CSA mention, Pedophilia (?), Unsanitary stuff

(This site wouldn’t let me ask a therapist or whatever because it keeps giving me a “Bad Referrer – Access Denied” thing and I don’t know what’s up with that, and if you do, please tell me, but I’m gonna have to post it here because this has been eating away at me for a long time)

I’m 15 year old girl (note that I was molested when I was 5. Then I was molested multiple times from the ages of 7-9, and I was also filmed and forced to be in child porn from the ages of 7-9). This might seem weird, but, It's weird and gross, I know. But, I had found this list (like, a typed list) that involved scenes and characters from movies and shows when they, well, But, after awhile, I realized that a lot of the characters involved were kids. Some were my age or older teenagers, but, a lot of them were literal kids. I just didn’t process that until then. Hell, most of the time when I was looking at the list, I was fantasizing about other people (adults, of course) preforming said actions, rather than the characters.

I'm obviously not attracted to kids at all, because that's disgusting, and so I was obviously disgusted both with myself and with whoever made the damn list when I actually did realize it. I feel like a monster because of it, even though, again, I would focus more on the action and fantasize about other adults doing it, not the characters/kids themselves. I feel like I can’t live with myself, and suicide has crossed my mind multiple times because of it. Heck, I can’t even sleep without the help of a ton of Xanax and Benadryl.

I don’t want to be a pedophile or anything like that. I’m terrified that I am a pedophile and just like my abusers and that I deserve to be locked up and I feel like I deserve to die. I just don’t know what to do.

Hello nb: I'm sorry you have become caught-up in these most difficult & confusing circumstances. You mentioned you were molested multiple times first at the age of 5 & then again between the ages of 7 through 9. What you are struggling with now is almost assuredly an outgrowth of those experiences I would have to believe. You are not to blame for this & there's no reason for you to feel guilty or ashamed. You were basically still just a baby when you were molested. You should have been protected. But you were not. That is in no way your fault. You're not a pedophile.

Sadly, I'm afraid the only way to get past this may be to talk your way through it, in real life, with the aid of a skilled mental health therapist. Preferably it should be one who is experienced in working with victims of child molestation. It may take a bit of trying to find the right therapist for you. Not every therapist works well with every client. But if you can find someone you feel comfortable with, that is likely going to be the best way to move beyond your present state of confusion & fear. Being here on PC, & writing about what you've experienced, may help too. But I do personally think that working with the right mental health therapist may, in the end, be the best solution.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

P.S. I don't know what the "Bad referrer-Access Denied" thing is about.

I have a male friend who was abused as a child by family members
And somehow now, he can only be aroused by rape movies and incest

Psychologically he doesn't want to be aroused by that
Because it brings back bad memories, yet it's been that way for years

He has been to therapy and it helps but he still thinks of it.
So maybe therapy is your option

I was abused from 5-17-years-of-age. All abuser’s are dead, now. Your’s are still around, I guess? You went through much more than me and, if you can, I would really think that you could benefit from talking everything out with a specialist in childhood sexual abuse. That would be a good start.

As for your peeing thoughts and possible paedophiliac, no, I can’t say that there’s anything wrong with those thoughts. We are all products of our experiences so your thinking is now, at age 14, surely incorporates your abuse experiences.

I don’t know the full extent of your thoughts about watching others urinate but I will say that it’s common and that if you stay away from, e.g., putting any illegal matters in play, you could do a lot worse. Not gross, not a genuine unhealthy practices at play.

You’ll be fine. It gets better.

Oh - about pedaphilia: yeah, I have this thing in that I do not understand attraction to children and yet my experiences began with children when I was a child and so
I recall the pleasures sometimes. Mostly from 12-to-17 ages. But I’m no pedaphiliac.