Why am I doing this?

I masturbate to harm myself emotionally or to put me in a position to be pitied.
I dont get it.
I love the pain from being hated or being treated like crap.
Ive watched porn to reinforce my pain.

I have no hope in fixing the pain.

I have also masturbated to incite painful situations as in pushing myself away from love or pushing my SO when she gets annoyed of me doing any masturbation period to get a reaction to reinforce a feeling or state of worthlessness.

She knows I am going through hell now and I want sex with her its hard doing that with a lack of privacy or time to have sex. She masturbates quite a bit too, but we communicated much better on our insecurities, except I internalize how i cant help myself when i am in a state of vulnerability whether its my medical issues or mental health.

I just want to hurt myself because i feel a rush a feeling of just accomplishment when in reality i wasted my time masturbating my pain away.

I dont know why i am even alive