Its been nearly 2 years with my partner and I haven't had an orgasm with him. I've tried something new tonight and even that didn't work. I don't like vibrators. I had two children that were very big so my vagina is loose but my partner doesn't have any problems having an orgasm with penetration. I almost never orgasm with penetration in the past. But I had several long relationships in the past and they all could make me come. I don't know whats wrong, he tries hard and I don't even focus on the need to orgassm but it's become beyond frustarting. I don't think theres any answers for me, but I can't leave him over this issue but I've become kind of angry about it.

First of all are you on any meds that could be interfering? A lot of psych meds have this effect, including the ones I am on.

Secondly can you think outside the box for other things you could try? For instance my husband and I are into bdsm. We have a whole box of restraints and toys. I'm also a masochist and get off on pain. Not saying this is right for you, merely suggesting creativity.

Also can you get yourself off?

Thank you for responding, and for your suggestions. I'm on meds but that isn't it, as I can get myself off. I have to resort to this after sex, I go into another room. I don't want to, but the frustation is too diffucult. I know that isn't going to fix what I want, because I know it makes him feel bad that he isn't able to satisfy me. No, bdsm isn't my thing but thanks for helping with an idea... I'll just keep trying to think of other ways. I can't help but think he just can't get the rythm and pressure right when he's touching me, but I've already gently guided him how to do it. Must be a mental blockage in my head.

[winter loneliness]

Can you masturbate while he penetrates you?

Originally Posted by disparaissant

Thank you for responding, and for your suggestions. I'm on meds but that isn't it, as I can get myself off. I have to resort to this after sex, I go into another room. I don't want to, but the frustation is too diffucult. I know that isn't going to fix what I want, because I know it makes him feel bad that he isn't able to satisfy me. No, bdsm isn't my thing but thanks for helping with an idea... I'll just keep trying to think of other ways. I can't help but think he just can't get the rythm and pressure right when he's touching me, but I've already gently guided him how to do it. Must be a mental blockage in my head.

Do you talk to him while he's doing it? Tell him harder, faster, slower, that's perfect, etc? Also at this point you probably do have a mental block. 2 years of it not working has to take its toll. Can you try to relax. Maybe a little wine before. Perhaps watch porn during, if you're into that. Note I'm VERY open minded when it comes to sex, so do with my advice what you will.

I really believe that if you are comfortable with each other and keep trying, this is achievable!

[Patagonia]

So just some ideas....bare with me.
Vaginas don’t really get loose unless you’re saying you had an episiotomy? Is this what you mean by loose?
Have you only ever had vaginal orgasms?
If you don’t like vibrators have you tried dildos or searched for other sex toys that may interest you....as well as your partner....there’s an ocean of them!

Most women do not have vaginal orgasms during sex. A very high percent. So what type of orgasm were you having before? Clitoral, body, vaginal, backside??

Why do you go into another room to masturbate? This is becoming a blackout area of communication & a wall is being formed over this issue. There’s hiding going on. Why don’t you stay in the room & show him how you masturbate? Maybe let him watch so he can see your breathing pattern, body language & movement which are key to understanding a female without the constant need for questions which can dampen the mood.

If you’ve already guided him....do it again. Try ‘edging’, where you reach a masturbating plateau & not let yourself orgasm. Then you start again. Show him how to do this which helps you build up your orgasm. It can be done for him too.

I’d also check the meds again. Even if you can orgasm it doesn’t mean that a med is not causing a side effect here hormonally or with your libido. MH drugs are notorious for that.

Yes my vagina isn't normal at all, my babies were 9 and then 11 pounds, I tore so badly its a mess in there. Been to the doctor because I thought I had cancer. Anyways, he says it feels good enough so I can't worry about that.

Wow, thanks for these questions, you know what you're talking about. I had one vaginal orgasm in my life, guess I wasn't clear what I wrote, so I'm not looking for that to happen. I don't want a dildo, I want him, but I just want to either have him touch me and make me come before, during penetration, or after. If I masturbate afterwards I think that would be a turnoff to him. But I've never thought that was acceptable, in my head, I'd feel uncomfortable maybe, but yes, I think you got my answer. Why not. I guess I want him to do it for me and I have a thought I'd make him feel bad for touching msyelf.
I know maybe to others that's not normal thinking. I don't know what is normal for other people. I hide it, that's the problem!!, sorry, just having a light bulb going on and it feels great. I'm not going to hide that from him anymore. I'll try the guiding him again, and edging sounds like a good thing to try.....

Am I abnormal for thinking that touching myself during sex is wrong? I think I remember something that happened and thats why I think that way. I'm feeling so much better at the ideas, thanks so much Patagonia.

[YOLO Lady]

Just reading this thread for the first time and it's 10 days since you last posted so I'm wondering if there is any update? And here are my thoughts: I think that mutual masturbation is one of the hottest things ever! I also think that most guys would love to see a woman touch themselves. Can you talk to him about this? If not, maybe you could type up something and give it to him? Good luck, I hope that it all works out!

[winter loneliness]

Touch yourself. He will love it and so will you.

I've tried all suggestions. It's him. He won't make any effort to please me. I feel done. Frustration will eat at me until I end this useless relationship.

I loved the affection and in my original post i said he tries hard to please me. That's far from true actually. I go too far to please him. Just last night I'm making supper and as usual he has to say I'm not doing things right and takes over. I've explained to him that I like to cook for him but if it isn't done his way he doesn't appreciate my efforts. He isn't even friendly and became controlling this past year. If I can't please him either, then what the he'll am I staying with him for? Hugs are just hugs. Sex is just sex. We haven't really bonded much. The only thing we have in common is our love of music and he helped me learn the guitar.

[Patagonia]

I think you’ve answered your own question as to staying with this person or not. It sounds like you’re reflecting on the amount of energy you’ve put in & are ready to turn that supply off.
Sometimes our biggest decisions is whether to try & try or stop. After that decision you’ll move on again.

If he is not putting any effort into satisfying you sexually, trying....& you haven’t had an orgasm for 2 yrs....& you’re not sworn to this person or have children with them....ill live vicariously thru you & get my walking shoes.
Wish u the best outcome!

[Rose76]

I don't think too many women would want this guy. So you probably don't face much competition for his attention - what little he offers to anyone. Maybe that makes you feel more secure, in that he's probably not likely to hook up with someone else. If he does wander, it probably won't be for long. His requirement to see a woman seems to be that she expect next to nothing from him.

Beware of setting up "false equivalencies" - as in: you're both "dysfunctional." That sounds like he and you each have your faults, and you tolerate each other, so isn't that a case of mutual give and take? I think that's you trying to put a good face on things. It sounds a lot less balanced to me than that. Dysfunctional is this vague, fuzzy abstract word that can mean who knows what. I have no idea what anyone means when they describe someone as dysfunctional. I can describe anyone I know well with just the words I knew when I was ten years old: kind, cruel, generous, cheap, mean, nice, honest, sneaky. Watch out for those cerebral concepts we use when we are over-intellectualizing what we are talking about. You've described him as being a stingy cheapskate. That's not dysfunctional. If a person wants to hold on to his money, being a selfish miser can be a highly functional way of acheiving that. Stick to plain talk and avoid the psych-babble. You'll be less confused.

You are warm and giving. You want to love someone. He is cold and greedy. He wants an occasional screw. I see no equivalency there. I'll bet he has never introduced you to anyone as his "girlfriend." I'll bet he does not think of himself as your "boyfriend." Your a woman he has sex with now and then. And he'll eat food you cook, now and then. (But he makes you pay for anything you consume when you're with him.) That's not a boyfriend. That's not even a "friend with benefits." That's not a friend.

You want so bad to give your heart to someone. You are generous and forgiving enough to see the humanity in just about anyone. So this guy has filled a void and has become "The Man I Love." But there is nothing about him that you love. But he is The Man In Your Life. And that seems important for I know not what reason why. He's bossy and that is something you respond to. He kind of assumes authority in some weird way, and that seems manly, maybe - IDK.

This thread mentions two men. What you do about one doesn't have to determine what you do about the other. You are single and free. Date both, if you feel like it. If someone offers you friendship and he's nice, take that friendship. You could use a friend.

This is exactly what I've been thinking about all day today. Yes, the bossy authority is in a weird way attractive sometimes. Maybe because my dad took so much negative comments from my mom, I veiwed him as weaker than her, and yet he'd lose his temper only occasionally with her. He kept trying to win her love, his whole life. I don't think she ever loved my dad. She's talked to me about a rich man in holland she could have married. I thought my dad never knew, but he told me a while back that he did know. He could never measure up to her expectations. He was kind, with dry humor. He never hit me. He tried once. He was so messed up I don't blame him for anything. My mom was depressed and angry, and wished my dad would discipline us, but she was the abuser and negligent. I guess I learned to hate myself from her depression and neglection and abuse.

No, I don't think I love this man. He is cold, stingy, and just told me tonight that what turns him on the most is my boobs, face, and telling me "I want to f*** you".
That's not love either. I'm planning on ending this. Will I? I hope so.

Thanks for everything. He wasn't even jealous or disturbed when I explained this man bought me roses and is open to friendship with me.

I'm tired. Thanks for seeing this thread. I am free, I just feel trapped but as you said, I'm not.

[Rose76]

I'll bet there is an interesting set of stories behind how your folks got through their lives. Think about what Europe was like when your mother lived there. Was it before WWII . . . during . . . after? Holland went through some rough stuff. (I'm not too up on history, but where in Europe did people not go through tramatic upheaval?) Figure out what years your mom lived there and, then, google up some back story. Whether from an affluent or a lower class family, there would have been challenges . . . perhaps losses . . . perhaps pressures. Imagine what her story might have been, in that context.

You have an appreciation for the inherent humanity of all persons whom you know. That speaks of the depth of your soul. You have spoken with warmth of parents who gave you no easy time growing up. You don't look at people simplistically. That can be a gift and a virtue. It can also lead to confusion. There is such a thing as being excessively tolerant, which is how I would describe you. But you can use that gift for looking into people to gain insight into how your parents' personalities were formed. Life starts to make more sense when you grasp how people get to be how they are. I'm not a big believer in the idea that we are born wired a certain way. To some extent, yes. But social influences fascinate me, and - I believe - explain most of why people are as they are.

Know you are free, as you say, . . . and nevermind going around being excessively honest with everyone. Honesty is a virtue, but having appropriate barriers means not telling your business overly much. Your new friendship doesn't have to be scrupulously reported to Mr. Cheapskate. You told him enough . . . . and he didn't even care. You don't want to hurt the new guy, and that was honorable, but you don't have to pledge him your heart prior to dating him. It's supposed to be the other way around.

Let us know how things go.

As my parents got older I tried to understand their lives more. Not to probe into private things, but my mother told me of certain specific things that obviously affected her very much. She grew up, during WW2, her father was in a concentration camp for 6 months, for protecting a Jew. She was the eldest of 5, having too much responsibility. She went through trauma of a different kind. Back then, the parents encouraged her to be very "clean', her father was a very strict religious man, had his own brethren group. She was told by an aunt of hers, that she should have been nicer to a man that chased her. From her story, I could tell she could have been raped but was smart enough to run away. But the idea was to land "a rich man".

My father, was traumatized at a very young age. Saw german soldiers shoot two men. Had no father himself, was taken into a foster home. The woman he referred to as his mamma, died when he was young. I feel he was somewhat used by my mothers father. He was barely 18, came to Canada by himself,with about 30$ in his pocket, but moms father kept in contact with my dad. He took low paying farming jobs, increased his english comprehension, and found a home for my moms entire family and then my mother came to live with all her family on a farm near where I was raised. He had too much responsibility, but he had my admiration for accomplishing everything he did. My mother became jealous I suspect, as my father could make me happy. He'd play little games with me, and tickled me. That last tickle was the last time he went near me. My mother said "STOP IT (insert name)!" and I was never allowed to go to the barn where I'd rather be to help with chores.

Ok, I just wanted to let you know that I watched everything going on in my family as a child and it did affect me deeply. My mother viewed everyone as "dirty".... I know the problems she must have had.

I broke up and left early from my bf's last night. I put enough effort into things to know I will never please him. He snapped at me for taking 2 beers, then said "i don't care about the beer".... but became explosive over many things. Obviously I don't want to be in that situation anymore, where he could become even worse than this. I have a reasonable mind, I can know whats right, wrong, explain in simple terms what is wrong with myself, and understand my bf's perspective. But his is clouded because of an addiction or two, his view of women in general. I am determined to stay away from him.

Not because I have a new man friend, but because my health, and my son, are priorities to me. I admit I was selfish in the last 2 years. But, it was a self preservation thing.

I finally had a car of my own, love to drive, and loved the affection. It came at a huge price, I know. I believe my two sons will also know I've made the right decision. I understand how they watch everything parents do. I've shown bad decision making.

I should just have taken your advice a year or so ago Rose, to stay away from dating for a year. I may actually do that. Thank you all here.

[Rose76]

That's quite a history your parents came through. Your life has been affected by things that happened in Europe way back. I think we are all the products of family stories that reflect larger historical contexts. I'm not surprised that you paid attention and became aware of hard things your folks endured. Baggage gets passed down through generations like a legacy. I think it's good to try and understand how people are shaped. I've read that there is a French proverb: "To know all is to forgive all." That doesn't mean, BTW, that all should be tolerated. Wisdom, I think, is to reject bad behavior, without needing to hate the person doing the behavior.

I don't know what made this guy you've been seeing the warped person he's become. I'm sure there's a long story there, but you needn't devote your life to analyzing his "dysfunctionality." That's kind of his problem. He sounds like a bitter guy. You aren't a bitter person . . . I think because you try to understand. You don't need to be the dumping ground for other people's bitterness. He keeps drinking the poisonous part of his legacy. Let him keep company with a kindred spirit. You won't change him. His presence in your life just infects your life with his pathology. Walk away. You're not the same.

I'm glad you left early last night. You will never please him, as you say. He can't be pleased. That's the way he wants it. It may be that addictions are symptoms of whatever poisoned him, not the cause. But those addictions are his way of reliving the toxicity he probably grew up with. He has zero interest in being any little bit different. You can make a different choice. I don't believe he offered you affection. It's just that, when you are lonely, a warm body feels warm.

Loneliness has to be endured, sometimes, to get where you need to go. Refusal to put up with being alone gets more people in more trouble than just about anything else. It's normal to not like being alone. It's not normal to pay any price to avoid it. That's how you get cheated.

Slow down. Stop jumping with both feet into commitments to men before you know who they are. Knowing people takes time. Slow down.

Just going back a bit, to say, yes I know there are women who would want him. More likely someone who likes the same addiction as him, but he did have offers before me. He can be very kind, but also forgetful and the biggest problem I have, is he always thinks of himself first. He's extremely selfish. I noticed almost right into the beginning of our relationship, that he expects things to go his way. He was on the phone on speaker with his daughter, a few days before Christmas. He invited HIMSELF over, said "I'm comving over Chris Eve", she said twice "SO expect you Christmas morning".....and he repeated almost frustrating and angrily, "NO , Christmas Eve" I don't think she wanted him over for that long.
Another time he was on speaker phone with his only friend, and just came out and said "YOU get the coffee, I'm broke". I'm thinking, omg, he just said he's broke for COFFEE, that only costs 3 dollars maybe? TO a guy he's lucky to see because this guy works full time.
I know I should walk away. I know I do need to slow down. The problem with my new friend is he is sneakily suggesting sex, hinting at things. I just said I'm not ready for that, and he texted "LOL". that's it. MEN, I'm starting to not like or trust them.
I'm slowing down, I have time, and things should be going on MY terms for a change.

[Rose76]

Don't make what you do about one man be conditioned on what's going on with another man. Pretty much all guys going on these Internet dating sites are looking for sex that will happen pretty quickly. You seem to be thinking, "I might as well keep the old guy because the new guy may not be much better." You know you could walk away from both of them. That doesn't seem to be a viable option for you. You're not willing to tolerate having no guy. I don't think Internet dating is working for you at all. But it does produce a succession of guys, so you are not going to give it up. There is always a new guy just a few clicks away. You need to get out of your home and be involved in the world around you in some constructive way. Finding love cannot be reduced to online shopping. But it just seems so convenient.

The roses seemed sweet. But if the guy is looking for quick sex, twenty bucks for flowers is a pretty cheap way to get it. In a way, the men are more realistic than you are. They're just looking for sex. You expect a few clicks on a keyboard to bring you Love. Put down the laptop, or smart phone, and go be a contributing part of your surrounding community.

I'm not saying men are all the same or thinking because this guy hints of sex that I'd want that. I'm not desperate, but sure, I'm missing my bf.
2 years is a long time and there's more to him than just his faults.
I'm not dumber than men. I know what they want. This wasn't meeting on a dating site, he lives in my town, this new man. I'm not expecting a few clicks on a keyboard to bring me love.
He's open to friendship, this new guy. What's wrong with that. I stated clearly I'm not looking for sex, I think he's smart enough to get that one.
I'm interested in him for other reasons. He's smart. He owns his own house, has an actual social life. My ex or what he turns to be an ex or whatever, had none of that. I'm not materialistic but becoming more realistic about the future and what examples I make of myself. I'm not wanting my son to think I'm some fleusy looking for sex, I never was.
I won't date both, and YES, I actually can live without a "man in my life". My son is and always was a priority. I don't just walk the walk, and talk the talk.
I called the soup kitchen and got myself a place to volunteer one day a week. That's a good start.

Maybe the roses are because I'm a sweet person and he noticed that. Maybe everyone wants love and affection. Just because he made a comment "my shower is big enough for 2", doesn't mean I buy into that. Some women are like that, he's testing the waters and knows I'm not looking for more than friendship. I'm not judging any woman for wanting sex quickly upon meeting someone. It's all good. If I wanted a romp in the hay with this man, fine. But I don't. And I respect my ex or whatever I end up calling him to be respected enough not to stay with me, if I date someone else. So I should walk away as you say.
His history is a mess like mine. He was abused. He didn't choose his addictions, but continued them. I think it's his way of escaping, not allowing his anger to surface from the things that hurt him in his life. I choose to accept the past, and live in the now. His addiction puts him "in the now", but on a level that he isn't aware of reality. That's what I don't like. I never get to see the real him. The real him is an addict who would have a very hard time even tapering down. I said I don't think I love him. Love is a broad term. I could love my neighbour, like the bible says, that's different. That's called unconditional love. That's reserved for my children.

[Rose76]

Maybe you should be open to seeing each of them and see what happens.

I'd feel guilty, I already feel guilt for seeing this other man. My bf would end our relationship if I was staying honest like I am being. He loves me. I'm just worried about the future.. and if he and I love each other enough to stay together.

[Rose76]

I do not believe that love is all that counts. It is romantic to believe that love conquers all, but I don't believe it does. Behavior patterns have to be looked at.

I don't think his performance in bed would bother you so much, if you felt securely loved. You say very contradictory things from one post to another. There is no law that says you have to be consistent. I know my emotional mindset towards my guy changes radically from one day to the next. But compare your posts and ask yourself what you really believe.

It's up to you to do whatever you want to do. What I or anyone else thinks is not very important, in the end. Many women have stayed with abusive men because they believed the men loved them, even though they were being treated very badly. The only thing that we know for sure is how someone behaves toward us. We are not mind readers. I would say look at the behavior. I have never heard you describe one loving thing that this man has done for you.

It's also true that there is no law that says you can't love someone, even if they don't love you. You're free to do whatever you want. You don't have to justify yourself to me or anyone else. Two years is long enough to know what a person is about. If I ever said you should walk away from this guy, then I misspoke. It's not for me to tell you what to do.

All I know about this guy is what I've gotten from you. So far I haven't heard even one, single, solitary good thing. You described him as kind, but you don't mention one kind thing he ever did. There seems to be an awful lot of confusion in your posts. That's okay, too. No law says you have no right to be confused. We all get confused, especially regarding relationships.

You say it's about time you have things on your terms. That would be nice. But I don't see how it's going to just happen. But maybe it will. Maybe good things will start happening to you. I hope so.

the sex thing, yes, even though most of the time I feel loved, not having an orgasm is beyond frustrating.

I know its up to me. I know abused women stay with abusive men.

Yes, his behavior is kind of rude and selfish. He's a drug addict. I learned from the thread titled "Confused", that drug addicts do have certain patterns, such as caring about the drug more than anything, becoming suspicious, etc. He was very stingy but because I no longer put up with that much "stingyness" he has to cough up a few dollars for food etc.

He has kind qualities. I don't know why I don't mention them. I guess because one negative could outweigh all the positives? No, loving someone is not enough to stay with them. There are good reasons for me to leave. I am stubborn, have had enough relationships in life, and would like to see this one work. I can date the other guy, there's no reason not to. If I lose my guy over just seeing a man and not having sex with another man, than I guess he loses me and I him.

Ex. of kind qualities,
: he is thoughtful and emotional about his daughter and grandkids, he never forgets to visit them at least once a month. He loves spoiling them all at Christmas

:he brought me a guitar only a month or so into the relationship

:he thinks of homeless people and donates to them

:he loves to cook, and cooks awesome meals when I'm at his place

:he kisses me often during the day and reminds me that he loves me

:I've seen the softer side of him (this really isn't to do with kindess, but) he can be sensitive and caring

:He took 2 days off last year and offered to take one more, one to help my older son, one for my mothers funeral, and offered to be there for me for the burial.

:He visits his dad and mother at least once a year even though he went through some horrible abuse.

that's enough

I do see how my posts contradict other ones. Maybe I'm not thinking clearly sometimes.

It's very very hard to get to know someone. It took me way too many years to see my ex husband for who he really was, and by then I had no money or way out, and hated myself so much I had no desire to leave.

At least this man doesn't make me hate myself.. He isn't abusive except the push and wanting me to leave... and truthfully he has every right, not to push me to the floor, but to ask me to leave his apartment, not touch his guitars.

RElationships are so complicated I don't know if I want one anymore. I am heading to that soup kitchen in the morning, to get orientated. This is what I want, to feel useful again. Thanks for hoping good things happen for me, I hope this for you as well.