[lillycollins]

I'm here to talk about my issue with men. I don't know how to break this down. But I get sexually aroused by the strangest things and I don't know why.
I get very turned on by abuse. The thing is that I'm the person in the situation meaning, I hardly have any grounds as to what is normal and what is not. I've never, not even in my therapy, spoken about these things before.
A back history I have on men, first man, my father, walked out on my mom and i when i was really young, I have one memory when i was 3 years old i remember him coming home really late and they had a fight. Another one when I was about 5, he kept pinching her because she wasn't doing as he said and i remember feeling afraid. My dad was a drug addict, he loved to party and he would disappear for weeks and come back sporadically. My mom loved to shelter me when i was younger. I remember i was having sexual arousal from the age of 6 years old. I don't know where I really learned it, I can't remember that. I used to touch myself and my cousin used to touch me, he was the same age as me, but 3 months older. We were together every single day like brother and sister until we got older and had different lives. We used to call climax "the part". I did the same with my male cousins, we would have romantic role plays. I don't know who initiated it but i remember we played naughty games, we were kids. The next significant male I met, online. I was 12 years old and he was 17. I told him I was 15 and waited until I thought he was in love with me before I told him I was 12. I told him I was 12 and he said it was okay. He introduced me to a different meaning of sex. Before this i only knew, if i touch myself then it feels good, since i was 6. I was even told by my parents that young children could have babies, they tried to deter me from sex. I was about 11 when they told me, I wasn't even of age yet, and they told me i could have a baby. For years I really thought I was pregnant because I had been touching myself, but i didn't know anything about waiting 9 months or periods or having to have sexual intercourse with a man, i didn't even know he had to put anything inside me. The first male penis i saw was the 17 year old's penis i met online. I believe he manipulated me because, all i ever wanted was male attention and love, all besides from my step father because he used to hit my mother, he had anger issues and i couldn't ever really feel safe around him. She married him when I was 5. But this 17 year old got it in my head that he wanted to marry me and make me his wife and have babies with me. What can I say? I was a family girl. I loved the idea of being in love and having someone, i loved love stories and I felt like this was one of mine. I became absolutely co-dependent on him. I loved him. I decided to run away from home and marry him. This decision of mine, to be with him at 12 years old ruined so many relationships. I felt in love though. My parents looked through my phone one day, and they found all the pornography that i had sent him and that he had sent me. I hated the sight of his penis but I remember telling him it was nice, but in reality I was 12 years old I felt disgusted that anything looked like that. But, I wanted to make him feel loved and beautiful so of course, i lied. My parents cried, they beat me up, my mom called me a *****. I was 12 years old. Never even kissed a boy but I was sending out child pornography. My parents took away all my electronics for years. But I was hell bent on this boy and I found a way to talk to him every time. And he didn't tell me, listen to your parents. He would tell me how unfair they were and how he loved me and talking about his and my future together. But when my parents called him one day, he hung the phone up and switched it off immediately. I just thought he got nervous but, he was a 17 year old boy he knew what was right and wrong. My parents got desperate. They lied and then told me that he was not a 17 year old boy. And that in fact he was a 27 year old rapist who came from a company that captured young girls after leading them into a social media account and that different people operated this account. My step-dad said that he molested his own daughter, his wife fled the country and that he committed suicide in jail. I blamed myself for his passing because if he didn't speak to me, he would not have been there in the first place. I still wanted him. I still felt like I loved him. I wanted to go see him still, I just needed him. Even if he raped me and hurt me, i would have these fantasies about him raping me and I loved it. I started cutting myself, i felt i deserved to be punished because I killed him basically. I wanted to go meet his wife and tell her how lucky she was that she got to marry him. I slit my arms in words, they said, "It's all your fault." A side note is that I was always growing up with a mom who blamed me first for everything that went wrong. Her motto to me was always, "It's always going to be you that needs to change." Now that advice is fine to give to an 18 year old. But not a 12 year old, she won't understand it in the way you imply it I got older and eventually he disappeared. Out of nowhere, he just suddenly disappeared off the grid. I was forced to move on. At 15 I met Callum Stephans, he was 17 but I was 15, he was from England. It was the British accent that got me. It wasn't even his real name. I met him on a sex chat online, I had raging hormones and I was touching myself every single day literally like 10 times a day. Although the first time i ever put a finger inside myself was when i was 13. It broke my hymen and i saw blood and i didn't at that time know why, but now I do. In case you're wondering what's with all the online men, my parents were very strict muslim parents. We came from a culture where I wasn't even allowed guy friends ever. Talking to the opposite gender was an immediate sin no matter what and one sin would send you to hell. But I was rebellious. Anyway, my biological dad through out this period of my life, in and out of jail and what not. I remember growing up i used to manipulate my mom into getting soft with me when i had acted out and I would just say, "I miss daddy." And she would turn her anger onto him for being absent. It did affect me of course but I don't think it did as consciously as one might assume. I don't know why I was manipulative like this at 12 years old and younger. My step dad during this period, verbally and physically abusive with my mom. My step dad and my mom are 11 years apart. My mom and my biological dad are 6 years apart. She got pregnant with me at 15, he was 20. They had me at 16 and 21. Back to Callum Stephans, he was 17 and I was 15 and he introduced me to some reallllyyyy hard core BDSM. It was the first time I ever watched porn. I remember the exact first video, i went to try and find it a year or so later, for sentimental value. I couldn't find it. Anyway, Callum stephans also appealed to my family side. He said let's run away together, we'll get married, have a lot of kids, these men promised me love but looking back all used me for sexual entertainment because I was an abused (my mom physically and verbally abused me) teenage girl looking for love and willing to do anything for anyone who gave me attention. Callum eventually left me, I was heartbroken. He just disabled his account and i didn't even have his real name. The next man, my first boyfriend Junaid. He was 2 years older than I was. I was almost 16 and he was turning 18. We had sex that year. I'd sneak out to see him at night because my parents wouldn't let us see eachother in the day. I'll finish here because I actually believe that this man was the first man who ever really loved me. Even though the relationship was as toxic as 2 people can really get. It felt real. It was my first in person real boyfriend. He cheated on me, I cheated on him, he blamed me, i blamed him, he would do absolutely anything to make me happy, and i would do the same. Eventually my uncle heard that he ****ed me in a car at 3am and then called me an uber home and also leaked my nudes to his friends, and my uncle beat the **** out of him and left him stranded minutes away from his home driving time without a phone. He got robbed and placed at gunpoint, which was none of my wishes for him because I loved this boy a lot. He and I actually got engaged at 16 and 18. My parents didn't want us to date and so we loved each other so much we wanted to get married. He got a job for me, started a whole new business to show my dad how responsible he was. Anyway, the first time we did it, I was not ready. I didn't like it, i felt violated but i never told him to stop because I was co-dependent. I confided in my friend about my experience and she told him because she was actually two faced and jealous of me because I got the guy she actually wanted. He confronted me asking me why i accused him of raping me and i told him it wasn't that, i just felt violated and what not. It was wrong of me but I was 16. I literally just came out of toxic online relationships where there were no standards of how to behave. My question for you is, where on earth does this leave me? I have a habit for going for toxic guys and I don't know why. My sexual interests are that I like older men and I like to dominated and abused. Out of interest, do you find any relation to any of this? I'd love to know your opinion. Thanks x

[Skeezyks]

Hello lillycollins: Thank you for sharing your experiences with us here on PC. I see this is your first. Welcome to Psych Central.

At the end of your post you asked where all of the experiences you've had leaves you. I'm sorry I don't think I have an answer to offer you. I think, perhaps, in order to sort all of this out & figure out where to go from here may require the services of a mental health therapist. Perhaps other PC members will have some insights they'll wish to share. However here are links to 11 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that (hopefully) may be of some help with putting this into perspective:

Why Do We Repeat the Same Dysfunctional Relationship Patterns Over and Over?

11 Relationship Red Flags and Why We Ignore Them

Why Moving on from a Codependent Relationship Is so Difficult

Repetition Compulsion: Why Do We Repeat the Past?

Is History Repeating in Your Love Life? Understand the Power of Love Scripts

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/knott...ur-adult-self/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/knott...dium=popular17

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...relationships/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/when-y...elf-regularly/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...-and-helpless/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/8-step...yourself-more/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

[Pavlov's Cat]

Originally Posted by lillycollins

I have a habit for going for toxic guys and I don't know why. My sexual interests are that I like older men and I like to dominated and abused. Out of interest, do you find any relation to any of this? I'd love to know your opinion. Thanks x

I can't speak to going for toxic people, however I also like to be dominated most of the time. Most people who are dominated and abused do so within the boundaries of a respectful relationship. The dominant partner has a responsibility to care for you just as in a 'normal' relationship, even though he is also fulfilling your desire to be dominated in a sexual or lifestyle context. As long as you can communicate your needs for a healthy relationship, and have those needs met, you can continue to be dominated, while also being an equal.