An introduction from the heart !

Hello everyone,

I’m a 70-year-old heterosexual male, happily married for over 40 years, with adult children and grandchildren - now retired.

I’d like to share my unusual story in hope of encouraging others who may relate because, for most of my life I considered myself pretty 'normal' in most areas (whatever that means, but I think it means that I don't stand out in a crowd) except for one unusual habit.

Rectal foreign body insertion (rectal polyembolokoilamania) was something that I had practiced since adolescence, starting around 15 years of age. The behavior continued without issue until my early 60s, when it escalated, prompting me to seek therapy.

Through several years of therapy, including Schema therapy, CBT, and mindfulness, I explored my 'inner child' and gained profound insights into my upbringing.

I discovered that I was dealing with C-PTSD and dysfunctional emotional regulation, which manifested in my unusual habit.

While I occasionally relapse, I now strive to be mindful of my thoughts and reactions, distinguishing between my 'child self,' 'parent self,' and 'adult self.'

My journey began before I was born, as my mother experienced perinatal distress after a sibling's accident, leading to poor attachment and emotional development.

My father was a dominant, controlling disciplinarian who intimidated me as a child.- my mother was depressed due to traumatic events from which she never appeared to fully recover from. Growing up with an emotionally distant mother and an abusive father, I often felt fear and instability at home.

A significant childhood memory for me was when my mother would 'look for worms' by periodically checking my ****. At the time I thought nothing of it and just did as I was told, allowing her to spread my buttocks and expose me in the most vulnerable of ways. If she suspected evidence of pinworms, then she would simply apply some ointment in and around my ****.

By adolescence, I had developed complex rituals to cope with feelings of sadness and loneliness stemming from my childhood. Rectal insertion became a way to seek comfort, but it ultimately led to shame and anxiety.

As an adult, I introduced my wife to this behavior, and while she initially participated, it blurred the boundaries of our relationship.

Through therapy, I learned that my behavior was less about sexual gratification and more about emotional regulation tied to my upbringing. Studies suggest that such behaviors often stem from childhood trauma and attachment issues.

With time, I reconciled my past and gained a new understanding of my childhood, allowing me to let go of self-destructive habits and nurture myself in healthier ways.

Despite some relapses, I have integrated my inner child and can now distinguish between my adult and child selves. This clarity has improved my relationships allowing me to identify triggers and regulate my emotions - and for the first time, I felt a sense of order, calmness, and stability within myself.

I hope my story resonates with others and offers hope for recovery from childhood trauma - and I welcome feedback from both laypeople and professionals interested in personal journeys of healing.

There is much more that I can share but that's it for now.

Thank you for your time.