I could hear my heart beating. I could hear everybody's heart.

Hi everyone. I just made this profile, and I am now making my first post. I don't know what to say, or how to begin this. I just know that I want to say something anything.

It's midnight, where I am.

Half an hour ago, I went outside and sat on the steps of my deck, coffee in hand, a little box of cigarettes in my pocket. Sitting there, listening to Eliott Smith, I felt so tremendously empty and emotionally exhausted. I looked up at the clear, night sky. I felt so ****ing hopeless then. I felt so useless in the grand scope of existence. I could see the tree line behind my house. I heard the highway, now loud because the trees are naked and don't block the sound. And as soon as I looked up, I saw a shooting star.

And I started weeping.

Weeping feels like a good word to describe what happened. It felt like all the world's sorrow was piled in my heart. And there was nothing I could do, or say, or think that would ever matter or help anyone, let alone myself.

It's been five days since I last showered. Three days since I left the house. Or talked to anyone. I've spent three days alone in my dark room, light blocked out by heavy curtains. My family hates me. My mom won't talk to me. My brother just laughs at me. And I understand all of it. It hurts, but I understand it.

What I don't understand is what I'm feeling. I don't understand why I do this to myself. I don't understand why I have to feel this way. Why I'm exhausted. Why the thought of talking to another human being makes me feel so tired and anxious. Why I can't just be a productive person.

I called my friend tonight. And she did her best to try and make me feel better. She told me she loved me. She loved me so, so, so much. And all I could think was, why???

Logically, I know that depression is chemicals in my head screwing me up. Logically, I understand that if I get up and shower, I'll feel better. Logically, I know that it's not my fault.

But, I can't help feeling so sad and insignificant and so terribly alone. I wish I didn't have to feel this way. I wish I didn't have to feel like the only thing I'll ever be capable of is plodding through life constantly exhausted and lonely and sad.

I feel like the light at the end of my tunnel is so dim and so far away that I'll never make it. I'll never write a book or find happiness. I'll never do anything significant or meaningful. I'll never have a thought that's beautiful and eloquent. I'll never be capable of finding love or nurture.

I just don't think I can make it. I don't think I can do it at all. I feel so incredibly alone.



“I could hear my heart beating. I could hear everyone's heart. I could hear the human noise we sat there making, not one of us moving, not even when the room went dark.” -- What We Talk About When We Talk About Love, by Raymond Carver.

Hi lostinxanadu, I can hear that you're feeling hopeless about everything right now. Do you have a therapist or pdoc? It's possible medication would help a great deal. I hope you'll feel better soon.

You can write anything here you want. No one will judge. Anything you want, as much as you want. This is a really great community - and hopefully writing your thoughts will help you cope. It helped me. A lot.

I feel like I relate with you, so, so much. I don't know what to say but I'm here.

Thank you, everyone. It's been almost two days since I wrote this, and things don't feel that much better. How do you all cope with just...everyday life? I mean, it's the little things. My room is a complete pigsty. I can barely take care of myself.

And what about responsibilities? Does you depression turn you into a liar? It used to be that I never lied. In high school, if I ever skipped school, I'd always come clean to my parents because I couldn't handle the guilt.

Now, lying is second nature. It's a defense mechanism. Sometimes I'll lie for no reason. No reason at all.

I just started a new job. Yesterday and today, I didn't go. What kind of person does that? I called yesterday and told my boss my mom was in the hospital. And I thought, I just need one more day. I thought I'd clean my room, get everything done, and begin fresh. None of that happened. I skipped work today too. I didn't even call. And when my boss called me and left a message, I called and told her my mom was in surgery.

I just needed another buffer day. My family doesn't know this. I left the house as if everything was normal.

Why do I lie so easily? Why does being despicable second nature now? I feel so down. I can't have a normal thought without thinking that everybody would just be better off without me.

I called a new doctor yesterday. I have an appointment this Friday at 3:30pm, which will cut into my work hours. If I was my boss, I wouldn't even want to deal with me. I don't know what I should do. I really need to see someone, but I'm so scared.

Will it ever get better?