Navigating Intimidation and Rejection: Reflections from A Troubled Soul

Another page of notes from therapy:

My soul has been troubled for as long as I can remember.

Even as a child, I sensed that something was “not quite right” with me and insecurity has been a constant companion throughout my life - I believe that I was born insecure.

Sadly, it wasn’t until I began therapy that I started to understand how my father’s intimidating parenting style reinforced my feelings of insecurity.

My relationship with my mother was also complicated. As we've already discussed, she was emotionally distracted immediately before, and for a long time after my birth. And the incident was a constant, unspoken presence in our family, yet its impact was never acknowledged or discussed.

As a result, I grew up feeling insecure and afraid, often reacting with a facade of bravado, covert aggression, emotional distance, or arrogance to mask my underlying fears.

I oscillated between the fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses until I became overwhelmed and tried to escape my inner turmoil.

My father was emotionally aloof and fragile, while my mother was lukewarm in her affections, she was emotionally controlled. Their occasional aggressive arguments left me yearning for comfort and security, something that I desperately craved.

Interestingly, I have always sought physical closeness with girls, yet I often maintained a distance, a controlled demeanor whenever I was around them. I craved intimacy but would create distance whenever I felt threatened by their closeness.

This pattern persisted until I became infatuated with an older, more experienced girl and I let my defenses down - ended up emotionally distraught. I thought I that I had managed to hide the cracks in my emotional armor, but the unexpected breakdown of that relationship exposed my vulnerabilities and allowed my insecurities to fester.

The trauma around the time of my birth likely continued to affect me for years afterward.

According to author and obstetrician Christiane Northrup (2005), a pregnant mother experiencing high levels of fear or anxiety can create a “metabolic cascade” that affects her child’s immune system and overall well-being. Conversely, when a mother feels healthy and happy, she produces oxytocin, fostering feelings of bonding and security in her baby".

Unfortunately my mother didn't bond with me after my birth - she was grappling with her own struggles, compounded by my father’s blame-shifting behavior.

There are different nurturing styles; my wife tends to nurture others first, while my mother prioritized her own needs.

Recently, I experienced an incident in another city that was unrelated to me, yet the pain and anguish I felt were palpable. I dissociated from the present, remaining in that state throughout the day until I began to regress into old habits. Fortunately, I snapped out of it before it went too far. I understand what happened, but I struggle to comprehend why I regressed so quickly. I am improving my ability to identify triggers, but some come out of left field.

The following day, I became increasingly flustered, frustrated, and angry as I awaited news about the incident. But when I heard coverage of the callous behavior involved, I again began to slip back into my old patterns, but this time managing to adjust my thoughts and calm myself down.

I successfully avoided my pain and, consequently, my punishment - but why was it my pain and anguish that required punishment?

Additional Observations:

During a discussion, I remarked, “I recognized my dad in your dad, but I didn’t recognize my dad in me.”

Regarding my wife’s illness, we chose not to share the news with anyone, keeping it within our immediate family. The underlying reason: “No one suffered like my mum.”

I’ve come to realize that my parents did me a disservice in many ways and I need to feel it not fight it.

Intimidation:

I find myself easily intimidated—by men, I respond defensively or aggressively; by women, I become submissive or attracted.

I was in my early twenties when my father passed away, and even then, I couldn’t break free from his emotional grip.

After losing him, I turned to my mother for comfort because I was already emotionally tied to her - and she effortlessly drew me into her web of emotions before ultimately rejecting me. Yet, I continued to seek her comfort for over 40 years.

Rejection:

At the time of my father’s death, I was in a de facto relationship, but I turned away from it to comfort my mother and shortly after my partner decided to move on, entering a new relationship that had formed while I was distracted.

I was devastated—how could this happen? I was emotionally lost and didn’t know who to turn to.

Feeling rejected and dejected, I turned even further toward my mother but she had quickly formed a new relationship with another man - which devastated me even more.

I still remember the arguments I had with them about this new relationship. I felt rejected and lost, dejected and alone - unsure of where to turn for support.

Siblings and partners went on with their lives - leaving me increasingly isolated. They had always influenced my decisions, and even then, I still seek their approval. I turned to another of my sibling and his wife for support, but their support only came begrudgingly. In the end, I felt I had nothing to offer in return.

Years later, during a conversation, one of my siblings acknowledged that I was “lost” and “emotionally adrift.” My immediate reaction was one of frustration: “Thanks for nothing. You knew I was lost and turned to you for help, but your support went missing”.

These reflections highlight the complex interplay of intimidation and rejection that occurred in my life, shaping my emotional landscape and influencing my relationships.