[silver]

My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for close to a year, and by most measures it is a wonderful and serious relationship.

However, he has some serious sexual desire issues. He dislikes kissing ("wet and uncomfortable"), has difficulty with sex, and before we started dating, had not had sex for a number of years.

It came as quite a shock to me given that he is good looking and athletic (former state-level youth sporting champion) - shouldn't have testorone problems there? He has been a smoker for almost 20 years, which might be one explanation.

He often gets agitated when I raise the issue, but recently agreed to "consider" counseling or therapy.

Can anyone advise me on how I can resolve this prickly issue in an otherwise wonderful relationship?

Much appreciate any help, particularly from the medical field.

[Junerain]

It is funny the people who one might think are sexual or sexy, may not be, at all.......funny, and sad too, I might add.. If you have been seeing each other for a year, and he has trouble with sex, what exactly is the trouble, and what would help him 'consider..' couseling more seriously...an article you print out about the positive affects of counseling, asking him to pick which counselor you go to...can you write more?

[silver]

Hi Junerain

Thank you very much for your reply

We have had several discussions in the past month since I last posted. The good part is that he's finally agreed to see a therapist. The hard part is I'm not sure where to go from here...and being a very cheerful, open girl I find it very hard to comprehend his problem

His trouble with sex, I doubt is a plumbing issue. We both think it is in the head (it always feels like he is just "going through the motions", rather than desiring me sexually).

His issue is that he has disassociated love and "passion", or "intimacy", and fears that our relationship will go terribly wrong if he gets more passionate or "loses control" of his inhibitions. He is not very open about his past relationships, but I do know he had a party-boy past (before he turned celibate the past few years), and sexual relationships where he hurt the other party, and as a result associates sex with a lot of guilt and negative feelings.

In a way I wonder if I'm his "penance" - a steady, warm relationship he has done his best to cultivate and redeem himself. And he is an angel - very devoted and caring. He says he feels frustrated too because he has done his best but that's not enough. And talking about the elephant in the room (lack of sexual intimacy) makes the elephant seem larger than it might be. In a way, his problems with intimacy are also probably because he is afraid to lose self-control.

Slight diversion here, but I always thought that I would be the one to be sexually traumatised, because I was "date-raped" in college (non-consensual sex with a guy I was dating) several years back. It did cause me to be wary about sex in relationships, but I seem to have gotten over it (I think), while my boyfriend seems to have a much more serious problem.

Well, long story short, we are going to seek therapy. Problem is, I'm not sure how. I don't live in the U.S. and psychology treatment is not very advanced here. I have found some U.S. trained psychologists based here from the internet. Any advice on choosing a good therapist, and what to expect? And how we can try to introduce "passion" into the relationship without ruining it?

[Junerain]

Choose a therapist that you feel comfortable with, because you need to feel safe to share youtr innermost things...you can call, ask a few questions, and get a feel for each..expect to answer a lot of questions..as far as passion, what do you consider romantic?

[Rhapsody]

We as women must keep in mind that men are humans to and that they may also have emotional issues or abuse in their past that can and will effect all future relationships until the wounds are dealt with.

Has you bf talked about any of the whys to his lack of interest in sex? - or dislike for it. (how it leaves him feeling / thinking)