Maslow?

I've not read much into his work, maybe I should, but the hierarchy of needs he speels out is pretty easy to understand; the idea being that you must achieve each level in your life before you can move "up" to the next.

Here they are, starting at the "bottom":

1. Physical needs - food, water, shelter, clothing
2. Security needs - societal/familial protection from hunger and violence
3. Love and Belonging needs - receipt and giving of love, appreciation, friendship
4. Esteem needs - to be a unique person with self respect and general esteem from others

5. Need of Purpose, knowing and fulfilling inner potential
6 is sometimes lumped in with 5 but is also sometimes separated as the need self actualization.

You see I have highlighted Need 3. This is where I feel like I'm hung up, and I continue to focus on my sex life as a problem here. I'm not getting any, so I feel like I'm not appreciated. There are 1000s of conversations that can be had on this, but my general question:

Am I wrong for wanting sex to make me feel good? I can't seem to get beyond it, even though my relationship is stable and warm. She needs me, but she never seems to want me.

Is there any way to eliminate this need, or satisfy it some other way so I can get on with my life? I can see the other side of the fence, but my mind keeps me held back at the need for acceptance.

I just want to be able to evolve personally, and instead, I feel like I'm stumbling along while the rest of society races by. I feel like being held back by something so "petty" as sex and intimacy makes me a weak person.

I welcome your thoughts.

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Sex is a need as great as any other in our lives, to belittle it by calling it petty is putting unnecessarily pressure on yourself for it not being fulfilled .

As for believing your need is greater than anyone else is counter productive as to be honest I have not asked everyone else and am unlikely to get the chance to.

Other needs like to love and to be loved and social interaction have no more of a draw, however because of the stigmas associated with sex, where it your other needs that were being less than fulfilled you would only attract sympathy.

From what you have written you seem to love your partner greatly therefore unfortunately it is only up to you to decide how important in your world this unfulfilled need is and if you can substitute one of the others for this, as with going on a diet whilst you love cake if you eat enough carrots it can make you feel better.

The hope is that at one time or another your partner has fulfilled this need and that this is only a hiatus in their need and that things will return to normal in the future. The only solace that your really have is that with maturity (and this is not suggesting you are immature) each need become less.

If you believe that this particular need is too great in your life I for one couldn’t criticise you for doing anything that would be necessary to fulfil it.

I'm not sure Maslow was referring to sex. I think 'Love and belonging needs' come from childhood. Were you loved and felt that you belonged within the famly etc. I think there is a difference between love and sex. (Maybe a different debate!) 'Receipt and giving of love, appreciation and friendship.' You can't necessarily get that from sex alone.

But you are not wrong for wanting sex of course.

"Am I wrong for wanting sex to make me feel good? "

I don`t think it matters, for now, if its right or wrong. What matter is :

Do you believe this to be true? Do you think that if she has sex you will feefl good?

Ask yourself seriously: - Do i feel not appreciated? is it only the sex?
- Do i feel good?

I guess there true answer for you will get our in your mind easy and fast.

Iif so , have you ever discussed it together?
Did she tell you directly " I never want to have sex with you?"

If you haven` done it yet, i think you shoud. If your relationship is really warm andloving, you don`t have t ovoid talking about certain subjects with her - especially your relaitonship.

We get along great, and part of me doesn't want to upset the balance.

As to childhood, dad wasn't around even when he was around, and after the divorce, mom spent most of her time working and going to shcool to support us.

I've been thinking about this some, and think it isn't really about the sex afterall (should start a new post?). It's about being accepted and recognized.

There was a time I went to mom for help, and she turned me away. I was hurt by it at the time, but since have been telling myself that it was for the better because I persevered on my own. Maybe there's some lingering resentment?

In any event, I just want to get beyond the unhappiness. I have abolutely everything I need (except for a job) and want, and yet I still feel so unhappy.

Need to find the root of all this...

I doubt it. If you have everything you need you don`t feel unhappy. The fact you feel unhappy shows that you don`t have everything you need,

But- you said its you wife - and what - you never had sex?
I think its not natural, and no there is no ballance. Normal couples DO HAVE sex. What about having childred? she never mentioned it?

I don`t know... it looks very strange to me. Your wife has a problem,,i t needs to be adressed and not ignored. I don`t see a reason not to ask her about it. Asking her about it doesn`t mean you HAVE to do it it even doesn`t mean conviicing her or anything - it just means simply asking. If you are afraid to get things out of balance - it may meanthis balance is not something stable. If you trust that she doesn`t react poorly - because you have such a wounderful relationship - them speak up....

If course, if you think this question can destroy your marrige or make a ****ing argumument or whatever - i don`t know - its not an advice - i don`t know about your wife and your marrige -you know better what to do.

Oh, we've had plenty, but after 18 years together, her desire seems to have faded. We both agreed no children even before we got married.

I just want a woman to love me and show it without having to pay for false love. I know she loves me, but her way of showing it isn't what I feel like I want. We have discussed this, and she said that she was fine with being there for me when I "need" her (you know, that way), and yet she still resists my subtle initiations.

I agree there's more to this, but I am afraid of making a situation much worse than it really is.

I just want to get past Maslow 3 and move on.

Hi PC, hope you don't mind if I say something. It's not earthshattering, but are you or have you ever been in psychotherapy at all? Because therapy is where you get to the "root" of matters that may be an issue from childhood or from when you were younger. Talking about it to someone impartial, but not uncaring, can help a lot. A therapist will ask you questions you may not have thought of asking yourself and that might lead you to the answer. This will help you to heal inside yourself. You can even ask the therapist about your issue of sex with your wife. Once you had things figured out, then you would be able talk with your wife more clearly, calmly, and directly. Communicating our needs exactly is hard if one cannot determine exactly what they are. What do you think?

ho 18 years...i see. o.k.

If she is now sort of asexual, thats your choice to stay with her.

It sinteresting that you say your relationship with her is good but on the other hand

," but I am afraid of making a situation much worse than it really is.

I'd love to talk to someone, but being out of work makes it impossible to afford. I've had some tips from others on other resources.

Thanks Claudia.

Ladymacbeth - what I meant was going from me feeling fine other than frustrated to a situation where there is some kind of other tension between us. I don't want her to do it just because she feels like she has to, and I don't want her to think I'm out on the prowl, either.

But I do want some intimacy and passionate contact...

Know any willing surrogates in Orange County?

lol...

Well. thats a choice. I guess your relationship is worth it. Goodyou are honest.