[aaaaAAAHHHHH!!!]

I'm 40 years old, female, single, never married, no kids

Even though I was molested when I was 15 yrs old, it destroyed a part of my life that I'll never get back, ever. I'm not *****ing but at this age, it has got to be acknowledged. Family & Friends make assumptions and have their own ideas about why I made the choices I made...but I know why.

I think there are millions like me. I didn't have money or insurance for therapy/meds to get over my issues. I never met anyone/partner who wanted to go slow/could understand/wanted to deal with my problems with intimacy. I tried to heal on my own: went on dates, had a few affairs in my 20s (well, just one), I read books, watched movies, volunteered for college studies to get free psyche care but ... it was just so easy to not have sex, to be a coward, to make excuses (fear of STDs/pregnancies/date rape/cheaters)....

I don't know. I feel just in shock, that something that happened so long ago could so devastate and alter my life for all time.

I'm just rambling, feeling alone and sad.

I would say I'm a cautionary tale. If you get so used to hiding and saying "no" and being afraid to connect- you lose the ability to be seen and worse, you lose the desire to want to be seen. You tell yourself that it's safer to be alone or that you don't deserve to be loved or that sex is dirty/bad , basically you lose all perspective. And after 15 to 20 years of avoidance, you're ****ed. Yeah, it's an ironic pun.

I didn't fight back when I was molested and even worse, I never fought to reclaim my sexuality. I'm so very disappointed in myself. I get depressed now and I'm never exactly sure why anymore. It's becauise I have so many reasons to hate myself. And being celibate is one of them.

Disclaimer: I know some people choose celibacy for spiritual, health, or other reasons. That's cool. To each his/her own. But I understand that my celibacy was for the wrong reasons.

[Rhapsody]

((( HUGS ))) - I am so sorry for your pain and I do understand how a pain from so many years ago can still control you now.

[Crew]

Originally Posted by aaaaAAAHHHHH!!!

I'm 40 years old, female, single, never married, no kids

Even though I was molested when I was 15 yrs old, it destroyed a part of my life that I'll never get back, ever. I'm not *****ing but at this age, it has got to be acknowledged. Family & Friends make assumptions and have their own ideas about why I made the choices I made...but I know why.

I think there are millions like me. I didn't have money or insurance for therapy/meds to get over my issues. I never met anyone/partner who wanted to go slow/could understand/wanted to deal with my problems with intimacy. I tried to heal on my own: went on dates, had a few affairs in my 20s (well, just one), I read books, watched movies, volunteered for college studies to get free psyche care but ... it was just so easy to not have sex, to be a coward, to make excuses (fear of STDs/pregnancies/date rape/cheaters)....

I don't know. I feel just in shock, that something that happened so long ago could so devastate and alter my life for all time.

I'm just rambling, feeling alone and sad.

I would say I'm a cautionary tale. If you get so used to hiding and saying "no" and being afraid to connect- you lose the ability to be seen and worse, you lose the desire to want to be seen. You tell yourself that it's safer to be alone or that you don't deserve to be loved or that sex is dirty/bad , basically you lose all perspective. And after 15 to 20 years of avoidance, you're ****ed. Yeah, it's an ironic pun.

I didn't fight back when I was molested and even worse, I never fought to reclaim my sexuality. I'm so very disappointed in myself. I get depressed now and I'm never exactly sure why anymore. It's becauise I have so many reasons to hate myself. And being celibate is one of them.

Disclaimer: I know some people choose celibacy for spiritual, health, or other reasons. That's cool. To each his/her own. But I understand that my celibacy was for the wrong reasons.

Hey aaaaaaAAAAHHH,

I am so sorry for your pain. Please come back here often, people are good here. I understand your sorrow because I can relate to your story. Your not alone and this is a safe place. (((((((((((((((aaaaAAAHHHH))))))))))))))))))))=Hugs for you.

If you can picture this, grab your pillow and that's the hug from me. You are worth so much. I hope you will go to the chat area, it's safe and filled with love there as well. I do understand your pain, sweets! Feel free to send me a message.

[notz]

aaaaAAAHHHHH!!

I'm glad you opened up. I hope you do more of it. I think you have things to share that can be helpful for others. And yourself, too!

notz

aaaaAAAHHHHH

You have already taken the first step, keep coming back as you will see that you are not alone. There are sadly a lot of people that can relate to what you went through. I hope you all the best in your recovery journey. Take care and take it one day at a time. It is a long journey but it is worth it.

[Peppermint_Patty]

Hello aaah,

I think your celibacy is not the issue as much as the fact that you had someone molest you which has damaged your ability to trust another human being on an intimate level.

Also you mentioned that you never met anyone who understood the pain you are going through, but perhaps you have looked in the wrong places.

I think there are decent men out there who would understand and would stand by your side as you received therapy to work out the molestation matter.

Such men are hard to find, especially in today's age of morality (or lack thereof), but good, decent men are hard to find, period!!!

Anyway... I hope everything works out for you at some point.

Hang in there and take care,

Peppermint Patty

Originally Posted by aaaaAAAHHHHH!!!

I'm 40 years old, female, single, never married, no kids

Even though I was molested when I was 15 yrs old, it destroyed a part of my life that I'll never get back, ever. I'm not *****ing but at this age, it has got to be acknowledged. Family & Friends make assumptions and have their own ideas about why I made the choices I made...but I know why.

I think there are millions like me. I didn't have money or insurance for therapy/meds to get over my issues. I never met anyone/partner who wanted to go slow/could understand/wanted to deal with my problems with intimacy. I tried to heal on my own: went on dates, had a few affairs in my 20s (well, just one), I read books, watched movies, volunteered for college studies to get free psyche care but ... it was just so easy to not have sex, to be a coward, to make excuses (fear of STDs/pregnancies/date rape/cheaters)....

I don't know. I feel just in shock, that something that happened so long ago could so devastate and alter my life for all time.

I'm just rambling, feeling alone and sad.

I would say I'm a cautionary tale. If you get so used to hiding and saying "no" and being afraid to connect- you lose the ability to be seen and worse, you lose the desire to want to be seen. You tell yourself that it's safer to be alone or that you don't deserve to be loved or that sex is dirty/bad , basically you lose all perspective. And after 15 to 20 years of avoidance, you're ****ed. Yeah, it's an ironic pun.

I didn't fight back when I was molested and even worse, I never fought to reclaim my sexuality. I'm so very disappointed in myself. I get depressed now and I'm never exactly sure why anymore. It's becauise I have so many reasons to hate myself. And being celibate is one of them.

Disclaimer: I know some people choose celibacy for spiritual, health, or other reasons. That's cool. To each his/her own. But I understand that my celibacy was for the wrong reasons.

[trevorzero]

I hope you understand that being celibate doesn't mean you cannot enjoy any physical intimacy at all. Be honest with anyone you might become close to and tell them what your boundaries are. The more time that you spend with the person, the chances are that your boundaries will begin to expand.

The point is that you have the right to insist upon a comfort zone for any activity. It isn't ever a case of "all or nothing," except with some jerk who isn't worth your time anyway.

[Shelle]

Originally Posted by trevorzero

I hope you understand that being celibate doesn't mean you cannot enjoy any physical intimacy at all. Be honest with anyone you might become close to and tell them what your boundaries are. The more time that you spend with the person, the chances are that your boundaries will begin to expand.

The point is that you have the right to insist upon a comfort zone for any activity. It isn't ever a case of "all or nothing," except with some jerk who isn't worth your time anyway.

There is nothing wrong with being celibate in my opinion. There are sexual diseases out there, In fact in the state I live in there is an epidemic of chlamedia sp?? Also women risk pregnancy and there is aids too. I have been married and divorced 2 times and now I have been celibate many years and it is my choice not to have sex because of bad past experiences in my childhood & two failed marriages. If I ever desire the reality of sex again and find the right person to invest my trust in then I suppose I will work through my previous past sexual issues and try sex again, but in the last 8 years I really haven't found anyone worth investing in sexually. I have been satisified with flirting and no sex but find people often take flirting wrong and have an expectation for more once the flirting has begun. the reality for me is that is there expectation not mine. I can't control other people or there reactions only mine. I have lost the potential of meaningful friendships because of my no sex rule, and I have lost people I liked sincerily because they felt misled by flirting and no sex. But I think the way Trevor worded it sums up how I feel, those people aren't worth my time or tears because they lacked sensitivity to my boundaries and comfort zone and they didn't place any value on knowing me as a person without an expectation of sex. So in that case its no loss to me. I want to be liked without having to have sex with someone.