So actually, the first part of my dream was pretty tame, I was apparently still in high school and the next day was going to be my birthday. I remember going over to one of my friend's house because of her own birthday part (which is strange because this friend's birthday is in July, mine is in June)

Anyways, I ended up going over to the house where I used to live (we moved out of there when I was 13) anyways, we had to clean out the old stuff. I had to spend the night there by myself for some reason. Anyways I was playing with the light switches and mused to myself about how I wish instead of a party just me and my friends could just hang out here for the day by ourselves.

The next day I was cleaning out my room the next day and my parents were there to help. I don't even remember having any of these toys but... in my dream they were mine! So as I was going through my stuff my mom told me I had to throw some things out eventually. There were a bunch of those cheap-tye-dye balls in a lot of different sizes (you know, the kind you kind find everywhere, from grocery stores to walmart?) and I said we could throw those out except maybe the ones small enough for pumpkin to play with. Mom then told me not to waste my time so I told her to throw them all out then.

It was then after some stuff was moved around that I discovered a little green envelope. I looked inside and it was like a little report from a T I had in elementary school. It had her card too with her name and phone number but it was small print and I don't remember it (which is sad because in the dream I didn't want to forget it!) and with it came a letter that said she had "some very bad news" because that day in group therapy I had made a very graphic and violent collage about war, and that it was something they'd discuss later. in any case said collage was nowhere to be found. And I thought to myself well, war is graphic and violent so if I made the same thing now it's probably be even worse (and told my mom that). Then my mom told me we would figure these things out eventually which was a little disturbing to me as if she knew something that I didn't.

It was after this moment the dream got disturbing. I was reaching under my bed and pulling old stuffed animals out, feeling increasingly disturbed and on edge as I was pulling them out. Which, then came to a head when I accidentally pulled a little cookie monster stuffed animal by the crotch. I hard a baby-crying sound from under my bed (at this point I was looking under my bed so it was totally dark. A man voice yelled at the baby voice to shut up and there was a hitting sound and the baby voice started crying more.

Then comes the flashback part where I actually see and remember things. Anyways this guy aparently used to be a babysitter of mine (and my brother too) he'd come over to our house but I guess he would bring other kids with him since there were other kids there he was babysitting too (I'm assuming). On top of the yelling and hitting he would also put you in the freezer if you were bad 9and small enough to fit) he also liked to watch proffesional wresling and most of what he'd do to my brother is make him fight with the other kids. I guess it was a fetish of his or something. He also liked to rape me. (which is hard to type even though this is a dream that incorperated dream elements instead of being an actual flashback. But you know what? It does explain an actual flashback I had which makes it about 10 billion times more creepy) But... I don't recall him doing that to any of the other kids... so I guess I was just special. Eventually my parents kicked him out not because they found out through us or the kids in general or even walking in on anything because other parents were telling them to say away from this guy. Fair enough. (even though if I was a parent and saw this guy I wouldn't touch him with a 10-and-a-half-foot-pole, if only because he looked like a weasel-y eyed scumbag from the start) anyways I was 4 at the time and my brother was 5. And by I mean I was 4 I mean I wasn't even 1/2 way between 4 and 5 years old. I thought I'd mention that because I'm guessing at 4.5 onward we had a different babysitter.

It was all just strange. And disturbing. I mean, it was obviously just a dream and you could see that everywhere in retrospect (the setting was distorted, it was all in 3rd person, etc.) but the parts that bug me are parts like the fact I could see and remember what everyone's faces looked like- something I can't do in my waking life. And yes, it did explain previous flashbacks (...or hallucinations? Really it could go either way).

[shaggy dog]

I was struck by how vividly you remember the details of your dream. It's no wonder it was so upsetting to you. One thing I did notice though was how many times you mentioned cleaning stuff up or throwing stuff away at the beginning of your dream. Maybe that sets the tone for the remainder of the dream.

[El-ahrairah]

aw man... maybe it means you're trying to clean up some past problems, organize them a bit... so that you can start off fresh , and with the T letter, maybe its like a subconscious sign that you're unsure how your future will be because of the past which is why you're trying to clean up? i duno ;o not good at this.... dream moods .com ( search google) might help a little :3

hope this might help you think... other than that thats a scary dream D; very vivid sorry about it tho :[[[[

part of the vividness is because that was posted shortly after I woke up (I have a weird sleep cycle) I barely remember it now... but thanks for your responses guys. I havn't had any other dreams like that since then, I've mostly been dreaming about dogs

today I was thinking about how on my road trip to Atlanta months ago I admitted about how my music teacher told me I had to relax while playing because my hands were so tense while playing that if I continued like that I'd end up with tendinitis down my entire arm. I was like that because I was so afraid of messing up and hitting the wrong key because I'm a perfectionist when it comes to those things. And my step-dad was very persistent on knowing who taught me making a mistake was bad and I kept telling him that no one did and I taught myself that. and he was very persistent in that you don't just teach yourself something like that.

and then thinking about this stuff recently I was also reminded about how negatively I've always viewed sex/nudity. I mean, it was never something talked about either positively or negatively (to my knowledge anyways) until I was hitting puberty and it was time for those discussions about what's happening to your body and stuff. Which is really something that I never really liked talking about, especially back then... even for stuff like my period. I was freaking out when I started developing my own sexuality in my teens. It was especially icky having to learn sex ed in heath the exact same time we were learning about the human reproductive system in biology... and I had those classes back to back. (I pulled through fine, it's not too pleasant for at least a moth having 90 minutes worth of wanting to put your head on your desk and just wishing they'd talk faster and get it over with already). The worst though was the teenage boy (and girl) talk about sex (on the bus) thankfully for the last couple years most of my time/energy was spent watching over a problem kid so instead we had fun playing pokemon games and stuff and it was no longer in earshot (hyperactive kids drown them right out ).

I always thought these were just things you didn't need to be taught but really... according to other people it's not :/ why can't you just feel the way you feel, and if people want to talk to you about something and you don't feel neutral about it then you had to have learned somewhere that it's good or bad?

[shaggy dog]

Hi Kaika you're sounding very philosophical. Do you mean the nature vs nurture discussion? It would have to be both I think. Somethings you can pick up naturally and do your own way but other things seem to have to be taught. shaggy

I was just thinking. Sometimes I think philosophically.

anyways, I want to know how much is taught and how much you naturally feel when it comes to this subject.

Oh, and thinking about this thread makes me also remember how I've always hated getting into trouble, even though my parents didn't even have to put me in time out. Just raising their voice was enough to practically make my hysterical.

I need to stop disturbing myself by making connections that aren't necessarily there.

I had another dream like that last night except this one was about as unrealistic as you get so... it's not bugging me too much.