Dreams and Waking Dreams

(Some of this is real, some is from a dream state, and some is from astral travel. I don't care to discern which right now.)


I sometimes dream that I go to a city. It’s different than cities here though. The people are scattered and few. They never smile and rarely cry. They stare, the way an animal stares when you stumble upon it and for a moment it sizes you up. There is no thought in that moment, only being. Reacting. They never speak. They think and feel and somehow you know. And you do the same. You can feel the place you’re in almost as if it were an extension of yourself. I’ve been here many times. Sometimes I walk it as if I belong. Other times there is context. I have been chased and hunted here. I have crawled small tunnels with others who were in similar predicaments. And often when they see us they do not need to wonder. They know and we know they know.

I wonder if this is the same city I visited the ruins of as a child. I had this exact same dream multiple times. Will it come true? I wandered the remains in tattered clothes, only seeing other children. We would gather on a hill of green – the only color amidst the gray. We would stand in a circle and stare and think thoughts which had no words and could never be recognized. And as one there was consensus, almost as if no thought took place at all. And we would go to a building. There were papers and pencils and fax machines, and we did not understand. Then there was an attack of some dark being and everything would be chaos. My vision would go in the panic and only return after I had gotten back to the hill. We would stare and there would be gaps in the circle of missing children. Then it would repeat itself.

Have any of you ever been here? I can not decide whether it would be comforting to know others had, or if it would diminish the experience to know people from this world could reach that other place.

This way of thinking and being was always far more natural. When I was younger I would have sudden hits – mixes of thought and emotion which could never be translated but represented what would be the equivalent of a word or phrase there. It would fill my body and I would try to grasp it, but there was no ability for this body to remember. So it would escape me. It’s always slept somewhere in my subconscious though. It comes out in the cold stillness of winter air between breaths, and sometimes through the still moments of early dawn.

I have tried to walk through the world feeling the world. Worked for it. But as I have, I have gotten further from the music I danced to which others could not hear. Then the dreams return and I fall to my knees and cry in repentance. I lash out like a caged animal at the physical thing I am trapped in. At the solid world without soul and words without thought or meaning. I glimpse the portals out and my breath catches. I know I was never meant to end up here. The gift and curse of a runner. And while I love those I’ve met here, I long to go home.

I only wonder, when I’m there, if I’ll dream of toasters and full streets and a spoken language I can no longer remember.

While I'm sure you're back to 'normal' by now and this is probably a 'thing of the past' in your mind, as always I am never entirely sure whether to take these brief moments in time as seriously as I do or not at all. However, since I value your feelings and thoughts above anything else in this known universe, the way I see it is if you feel it (even for a moment in time) its to be taken serious. Therefore, I will respond that way. Despite the moment being passed, I'm sure it is still deep rooted within you somewhere as most things are.

I never actually know what to say to these things and that's usually because words don't come naturally when emotions are making it hard to think straight. But after reading and re-reading and reading some more, the line that sticks in my mind like bees to honey is this - "And while I love those I’ve met here, I long to go home."

This has always been a reoccurring theme with you no matter how you feel and I can usually pick it out quite well. But since you've put it out in such plain words this time around I can finally take it in (not easily, however). There have been moments in my past lives and places I've been that were not necessarily the healthiest but I can still understand the desire to be somewhere else but alas being stuck where you're at. I think it can be one of the most painful things there is to experience, however pain means nothing to me unless it is bestowed upon someone as priceless as you.

Therefore, my one and only wish, if I could have it, would be to place you where ever it is you wish to be. Take you home, if you will. As usual, I'm powerless. But. If there is somewhere - anywhere - you think could be a fulfillment while you spend your time here on this layer, please, by all means, let us go there. And if I can't follow, at least let me help you there personally (at any cost).

This probably seems overly-dramatic, but I don't care. People reading this have only experienced this from you this one time on this one board. I know even though it sounds like gibberish only something like weed could bring on that its not.

On the bright side if you were to forget everything that has happened in this lifetime/layer... At least you won't have the obnoxious screeching that is Zira's voice. A blessing not even the highest tokens of karma points will ever buy my soul...

You are definitely correct in that it is deeply rooted in me and is by no means gone. In fact, these thoughts and feelings were there from my earliest memories - and were often stronger then too. Regarding how seriously you take it ... I don't think it should be ignored, but I also don't think these feelings of mine should be feared either. I know you often get very anxious when I get this way, but there's no reason. Heh, I believe you saw me enter some trance-like states last time I visited you. They were and are very benign.

You are right. This is a reoccurring theme with me. I don't... sync well with this existence. It is unfortunate, but in this life I will never go home. I've come to terms with that. This is why I'm letting you choose where we live, to a large degree - you do have a home here and a place which speaks to you. Just let us settle down in a place with some nature. Forests and fields I can walk through. Hills and distant mountains if possible. A stream or two. I jive better with and find some peace in these places.

*smiles* Well, you forget the last line. I wonder, if I did leave here, if there would be distant memories of this place. If they would haunt me and drive me the way my current thoughts do. I wonder if there can ever be a home if you let multiple places influence you to such a degree? I haven't told you this, but I really do question whether my old home actually exists anymore.

I love you. Thank you.

No need for thank yous. And yes, I've definitely become quite comfortable with the idea of a home filled with nature you'd love. Thus we both need to haul our asses to Austria. Haha. (I jest, but in a way I'm serious).

I understand that nothing will quite be what you wish to obtain, however, I do believe that we can form a new, if not stronger and better home. Something separate. It just means that you have more options and places to go to when you feel really lost. I think it is better this way. Because if you really do feel your old home is lost, then at least we have what we have now, right? Better than not having anywhere at all. I can tell you aren't completely lonesome. This existence isn't the most horrid. Its slightly uncomfortable and you yearn for perfection surrounding those feelings but over all this place isn't so bad when you think about what you have and what is yet to gain.

Besides, I don't like the concept of giving up on your original home. Not just yet.
You used to speak of going back to do whatever it was necessary to defend the place. And that always scared me to no ends. Petrified me, but I've come a long way and I've only fallen deeper and deeper into your desires. I can honestly say that if this is what you still wish to achieve and pursue then you have a at least one follower to help you take on whatever awaits no matter what the outcome.

Besides, what kind of an *** would I be if I let you go out and get yourself shredded while I sat around in some kind of haven sipping on holy margaritas? .___.;; At least if I'm obliterated in the process of trying something useful I can escape Zira's voice.

(Can you feel my desperation? Can you..? CAN YOU?)

I'm getting so off topic on this board it hurts, but the mood I'm in today while I speak with you is a rarity and I must let it leak before I go back to simpleton old Yugae.

Hah, I can feel your desperation but I can't understand it. Her voice is awesome.. even if she is rather loud.

Yes, there are positive aspects of this life here. That doesn't really detract from the yearning accompanying these episodes though. It's a very overwhelming urge. Regarding what will come after this life *shrugs* I can't really say. There are definite things which concern me though. Heh, guess I'll have to take care of that when it comes though.

One thing I really wonder is how much of this is spiritual and how much is illness. I certainly can not accept the fact that it's all brain chemicals and tortured pasts. Now that I'm in a 'right' frame of mind again, I'm back to the same confusion. Funny how the urge to know more and understand doesn't diminish though. I won't accept the mainstream answer though, devoid of soul. I really can't.

You have soul. We all do.

The question is why somebody's soul seems to cause them much more trouble. Maybe some can supress theirs? Or maybe their memories from past experiences are not as strong? Maybe we are supposed to somehow forget the memories.... and some of us have this quirk of carrying it over to this existance.



I actually have images connected with some words... but these are totally unfitting images that i cannot figure out how they represent the word. LIke "immediatelly" makes me think of barbed wire for some reason... and it has been that way since my childhood.

Dont worry Vibe. I refuse to sit pretty and accept mainstream answers to my crap as well. You know, Ive considered it though. Ive thought... Man it would be so much easier sometimes to just accept it as some form of delusion, pop pills and go on with life assuming its fixed or under control.

But then what would we be? Besides. I experience it too truly for that to be a possibility. These memories are real whether theyre mine or not. So no worries. I would never even consider the option that youre just some freak whos coocoo for coco puffs. Even if you are - it still is what it is and in the end youll always feel the way you do.

Might as well get some meaning out if it instead of shoving it under the medicated rug.

I appreciate you posting this.

I don't know if this is the same as what you are describing or not, but your post comes as close to my own experience as anything I've seen anywhere so I'll dive in.

I have always had these places that I can 'remember' as I fall asleep, in dreams, or in some waking states and at some waking moments. They don't feel like dream places or imagined places. They feel like places I have lived or seen that I am remembering. I have always wondered why they are so consistent and why they feel so much like memories, but not only does no one seem to know, no one seems to care. It's like, "Whatever, why do you even care? Let it go." Total disinterest.

But I care, a LOT. It FEELS important. So I've come to believe that either 1) these places really exist on some other plane and I visit them in certain states of consciousness, or 2) these are past life memories, or 3) these are deep soul memories that 'map' something important to my work in this life.

I guess I feel if no one has an answer and no one sees it as important, I'm free to answer myself in a way that feels right. And that's what I've come up with.

Does any of that address your post? If not, sorry for going on and on.

Good luck!

I should add that it has always seemed to me that therapists don't really touch the deep questions about life, they're more like auto mechanics. You've got this life, part of it isn't working right, won't get you where you need to go, so they tinker and fix until you're 'functional' and you pay the bill and are glad you are 'working' better.

But why are you here? What does it mean? What are dreams. They can't help with that. Or won't. Either way, no answers there.

Venus – I think the reason most aren’t as effected is a mix of all those things and more. My beliefs regarding life after death is that there are a ton of options. Many just haven’t experienced past lives. I tend to think what happens after death is far more complicated than anything we can dream up. We just have snippets of possibilities.

The part about words being connected to images for you is interesting. I used to have something similar happen. I would have random thoughts come at me out of nowhere – very strong ones too. Some were questions, others vivid images. I also get very strong flashbacks but I can’t remember most of those. Heh, given your way of going about things, I’d actually be kind of surprised if you weren’t being effected to some degree by past events.

Okami – Yeah, it would be easier to ‘pop a pill’ but I honestly don’t think it would make any of your stuff go away. Some things just don’t leave that easily. Unless you took something which erased personality and memory since, like you said, it is very fully ingrained in you. Heh, guess we also suffer from a very odd variety of the human condition. Perhaps a more spiritual one?

Pgrundy – Sorry for not getting back to you sooner. The others are used to my scattered posting but I’m not sure I’ve ever informed you about it. As for what you’ve said – it feels very much like what I go through. Remembering places I’ve never been. Feeling that there is a sense of urgency and importance attached, but not knowing what to do or how to go about it. I’m actually really amazed someone responded like this – I’ve never met anyone who felt the same way either. I also go into trance-like states and see and feel more than others, with some of it related to those past events. Does that ever happen with you?

My belief, regarding what these places are, is kind of a mix of your conclusions. Another plane of reality and past lives. I think very little of it is actually working in this life though. But I am going through a lot of very personal growth and gaining strength that I’ll be able to utilize after I leave here. I’ve been broken for a long time. I think, in this life, I’m healing in ways I never have before. It’s weird to look back while going forward. To want and lament while knowing you’re gaining something here. I just have to promise myself I’ll use whatever strength I gain to deal with that feeling of urgency after I die. Christ it’s hard not to fall into it and be swept away sometimes though.

I was actually very disappointed when I went to see my therapist. She could never get off of the ‘how’s your job?’ train of thought. Granted, I have issues with social anxiety and was battling agoraphobia, but it was really not my primary concern a lot of the time. We never got truly deep. I’ve found that’s always come better with spiritual people.

Vibe, thank you for your reply! Yes I do feel things deeply and often 'pick up' information or 'see' things in my mind's eye spontaneously. Some people think this is delusional but lots of people don't, and it seems to run in my family. It's not part of my diagnosis--delusions. I have recurring major depression w/PTSD, a common dual diagnosis. Delusions are not part of it.

It's taken many years for me to just accept these things about me as valuable and real. I just take it as it is and if a therapist or anyone else laughs about it or ridicules it I just ignore it. We live in a time and a culture that thinks only the material is real. That's the REAL delusion. Although I do know people make this stuff up and some really are delusional. All of this is true at the same time. Doesn't mean what I experience isn't important to me in some way or genuine.

Thanks for the affirmation. It's really helpful just to know someone else has this place thing going on. I wonder how many people experience this and are just afraid to say? It's like we're all trained out of being open to that kind of thing. THen if it happens, we feel crazy.

All the best to you.