[ladyrevan21]

Had a weird mash-up this time. Part of it was the original Halloween movies (and no, I haven't watched those recently, so it's not a factor), and part of it was The Force Awakens and the attack on Starkiller Base, only inside was the set-up for Halloween 6

Possible trigger:

and a section where Michael Myers gives birth to a baby through his knee. No, I have no idea how that's supposed to work.

So yeah, another weird dream, another instance of me waking at just about the same time in the morning terrified. Definitely going to bring it up tomorrow in group therapy, as well as to my therapist on Thursday.

[Thunder Bow]

Actually, The new Star Wars movie is a lot like Halloween movies, in that they are both violent and depressing. The baby through the knee thing shows that you are healing, think it as if you are emerging from depression and anxiety. The knee means you are walking out of it. I think you know healing can be scary.

[ladyrevan21]

In a way, yeah. I've always thought of Rey as kind of like Kylo Ren's Jamie Lloyd (purely platonically, I swear!) -- sort of like the one person who really shows there's a softer aspect inside this twisted character. (And yeah, TFA -- it is violent and depressing, especially the ending!) And I better stop there before I go on a tangent.

But yeah, the whole healing thing...it is scary. It's a heck of a long, dark road from here to here...whatever here to here is. Mostly I'm focusing on keeping myself steady, so yeah, in a way, I am emerging from anxiety (I was never really diagnosed with depression. Mostly my diagnoses are anxiety and OCD). It's comforting to know, really, that I am healing.

[medkev13]

Have you watched the Halloween movies recently? There is the fact that having seen any of that media recently, and having it on your mind, can lead to it interweaving into your dreamscape.

While I'm not one to agree with a lot of simple meanings, I think there's a lot to be said for ThunderBow's take on the baby. To give a little perspective, consider the major arcana in tarot. The "Death" card (which one might connect to the killer in a horror movie) is actually a means of transformation. It may not be a pleasant experience, but there is alway the potential for taking something positive from the outcome. The baby signifies a fresh new start...becoming someone new.

I've a rule when I address dream characters - every character is a projection of the dreamer on some level. In this case, that means that there has been some great dark self-image. Something destructive and threatening. But now you've come to a point where that part of you has given rise to a new side, fresh and without the taint of the negative connections from the monster.

A question - what came of the killer after the birth???

[ladyrevan21]

Not really, no. And that's a very interesting take on it! Kind of a better self-image. I've been in a bit of a bad place since...Jesus, stretching back to 2013, actually. February 2013. It's kind of gotten more complicated from there. My resurfacing memories are kind of making it worse. But there's a chance something positive can come out of it, which...honestly, I'm glad for. I'm really glad.

As for the killer after the birth thing...well, as far as I can remember, he went about his business. He kind of recovered quickly from what happened, actually. The baby was safe, however. Very safe.

[medkev13]

The killer not dying means that the growth of this new part of yourself hasn't removed the problem. The question is, what does this monster relate to in yourself. It's violent, so there is a communication barrier and some sort of being at odds. And it's within you. You can't run from it forever, though. As Carl Jung would say - the idea is to find what lies at the heart of the monster, and embrace it. Only by embracing oru dark side can we mend our emotional wounds.

[ladyrevan21]

Carl Jung was a wise man.

Come to think of it, I think I first got into the matter of Michael Myers back in 2013; let's say that I'd gone through a bit of a fandom upheaval. I know it sounds ridiculous to be upset about something like that, but it didn't help that former friends of mine were so upset about fandom changes that they lashed out at other people just for having a different opinion from them. (Then again, I guess they were always like that, in a way. I just didn't see it. I think they were always very...clique-y, I guess) And then come 2014, we had a member of the fandom suddenly pass away, which was definitely hard on everybody, things like that (and then there's some rumors going around that he had some skeletons in his closet but I don't know for certain). I guess that could a bit of a fear of change, feeling like a bad person, things like that. And with Michael Myers, I guess I could get away from that stuff for a while. But I guess I can't really run from it forever, can I?

I think it also represents some of my writer's block issues because the Halloween movies actually left quite the impact on my writing -- maybe because of the issues I was going through at the time. Yeah, come to think of it, definitely. I'm at odds with trying to get on with my life and some of the old anger (and some new anger) kind of festering. And Michael Myers represents all that. Feelings of anger, self-hatred, low self-esteem in general, anxiety, the desire to escape from those feelings, fear of change, fear in general, plus some of the new memories I've been getting that have been making me question a lot of things and wonder what else is there.

So I guess I should...well, metaphorically embrace everything that's been bothering me (including my recent flashes). Embrace my dark side. I guess the question is how do I do it?

[medkev13]

The thing about the shadow self (that's Jung's term) is that the first and most important part is accepting them. The reason we project our negative traits into (onto?) others is that we seek to reject them from ourselves. But the simple act of denying that part of us creates a break in our subconscious. It forces our whole into fragments. In many ways this happens naturally, but normally the different pieces of ourselves at least work with each other to function well. The shadow self fights the rest of the collective whole and impedes the ability to function. ((In many ways dissociative personality disorder is an extreme physical manifestation of this))

Seeing the shadow self for what it is (as you've just done here) is step one, and step two you're already on your way to - accepting it as part of you. (Actually, you pretty much completed that in words. Sticking to the perspective is all that's needed.) When addressing the memories, one point to remember is this - these are things that are in the past. Even the ones you're just now gaining. They're all things that defined how you grew and developed as a person. They are NOT, however, things that define who you currently are. The thing about memories is that you can choose to cast them aside after the fact. As you address the emotions from each, ask yourself what the root of that feeling was...what about the memory filled you with anger, or damaged your self esteem. I'm sure you've heard the "reality check" method - where you acknowledge what reactions are based in reality and what ones aren't. You've also probably heard of or used the method of asking yourself how the memory's events affected your outlook and perspective...and asking what control you actually had over a certain memory's events.

The main point here is to keep an objective outlook on these things. Feel the emotion, but don't let it determine how you react. Address it, reality check it, let go of the things you had no control over, and assess whether the memory is beneficial to you or not. Choose which memories you want to keep as vital and important, and which you can discard as things that you no longer need to cling to. Piece by piece you'll start to put yourself back together, and with each memory and reaction you resolve (because that's what's happening here - you're resolving old memories), the shadow self will begin to transform into something more connected to the rest of your psyche.

[ladyrevan21]

So just a bit of a warning beforehand...there's probably going to be some whining on my part. Probably a lot of it. Like a lot a lot. And if you're wondering why I'm using the trigger code a lot, it's because there's some legitimately ugly stuff in there as well.

I'll be honest, the memories that I'm regaining -- I hadn't really thought much about them before. I don't think they really shaped who I am, though. Not entirely. I think the really ironic thing is that the majority of my issues seem to have started in 2013. (Emphasis on "the majority" -- there's probably a lot of stuff that I haven't acknowledged yet) In terms of the 2013-2014 memories...I'm addressing them because they've definitely caused a lot of issues for me for pretty much three years. It pretty much started over one change in a fandom I was in (it was a fandom that I was in ever since I was a teenager, maybe. Probably high school?) and kind of feeling torn in different directions -- should I think this way, should I think that? And...well, this is kind of embarrassing to admit because it was just, looking back, massively stupid of me, but I actually tried to get some people who were going after others in the fandom to stop, as some of their actions...well, they were basically lashing out at people who really hadn't done anything but disagree with them. And a bit of pity for the people who were doing the awful behavior, as they...well, they had a pretty tough go of it themselves. So I was wondering if I was really the bad guy here. (I know, all this over a fandom, huh?) I ended up having a really awful moment of losing my temper, which I still regret (unfortunately, the damage has been done, and I don't think the person I got angry at is really going to accept my apology. Some people have said it's not my fault but there's a part of me that wonders if I could have been calmer in the situation). Then again, considering that one of them

Possible trigger:

made a reference to starting up a shooting in another city (thank goodness she didn't actually follow through on it. She mostly said that she was going to do it because that was one of the major fandom people, the one she was angry with, lived)

and nobody called her out on it...

My God. Oh dear God.

And then come 2014, I had my first experience with

Possible trigger:

someone else's suicide

which was actually an unexpected shock. I mean, I didn't know the person personally, but I think if you'd seen some of his stuff, you would have liked him -- he was a nice guy. And then afterwards, things just...got bad. So I guess if you'd want to analyze what the root of each emotion was, I'd say fear of change, a bit of a saving-people-complex (judging from old journals I found, I seem to have had it since I was a kid, like when I was venting to my third grade teacher about someone at my school bullying someone else. I've spoken with Dad about that tendency, and he basically told me I can't really save everyone. Which I admit, I almost don't want to believe, but...I guess it is true in a way), shock (especially on something that hits close to home for me), losing faith in people, things like that. (I've started regaining that faith though. I guess the reason it hit so hard in a fandom like that was that it was something that was part of my formative years, in a way, and it was a form of community for me when I was in my later years of high school -- I always kind of felt like I didn't really fit in, and so that community was kind of a...fitting in section for me)

Possible trigger:

And regarding the suicide part of my nightmare, I admit sometimes those intrusive suicidal thoughts I have mostly spring up whenever I feel worthless. Like a bad person. I think 2013 and 2014 did a good job by and large convincing me that I was a bad person. When my OCD started getting aggravated, the suicidal thoughts kind of got worse. Like the fact I had these horrible images and thoughts meant that I was bad. I don't think that I've been formally diagnosed with OCD like I have with anxiety and being on the autistic spectrum, but it would explain a lot.

So I guess what's based in reality and what isn't...honestly, what happened should not have gotten out of hand as it did. And I can't really save everybody. Those are perceptions of mine not based in reality. My feelings on the people involved -- I feel sorry for them, but I'm also scared of them and kind of have contempt for how they act, and on further examination, they were...well, I think what I referenced in the first trigger tag speaks for itself. (I think another friend of mine was actually horrified when I told them about it)

As for the flashes I've had...well, it started with a dream-memory I've always had and started flooding from there. I guess the root of all of this is wondering if I can trust my mother or anyone in my family, if there's anything else that's going to start tumbling out, and if it just explains how different I was as a kid...

But I guess the thing is, from what I remember...maybe it didn't have as much impact on me as a kid as I thought it did. I think the later memories did. The later memories aren't beneficial to me because there's really nothing I can do about these people and I'm out of that fandom now anyway (recent developments have convinced me I probably did the right thing) and the most I can do is try and be a better, healthier person than I was back in 2013, 2014 and 2015, come to think of it.

Possible trigger:

And not kill myself. The next time I have those thoughts, I'm going to find some coping strategies to deal with them. Call someone, maybe.

As for my earlier memories...well, I don't think there's really much I can do about them right now, except patch myself up (and write them down as they come, but not necessarily obsess over them. I guess I just worry about somehow betraying myself/letting my guard down. I don't really know why I keep thinking of myself as naive and stupid -- I think I've always had some degree of that and it's really become aggravated as an adult). Ease my anxiety and OCD, and work towards making positive changes in my life. Work on sleeping well. Things like that. And hopefully whatever all of this is, it'll work out in the end.