Most I can remember of this nightmare

So I can't really remember much of the dream that I had last night



It might have been set off by something I read, but it's still pretty disturbing to me. I also remember during the morning (five-ish this time) not being able to get back to sleep despite the anti-anxiety pill thanks to all those disturbing images flashing through my brain.

One step forward, two steps back, I guess.

You are probably worrying about something in real life that was going to happen. What happened it that you graduated. This means are taking steps forward in life. Anxiety often goes with healing. This dream is really about your own healing.

So what you're saying is that I'm actually getting better. I admit I have a lot of fears about the future -- probably a ton; I think they started back in 2011-2012 when I realized I'd have to go away to college and things like that, and they've continued onwards to this day. I guess I'm just wondering when the next upheaval's going to strike -- what's going to happen, things of that nature. But yeah, I am...in the process, I guess. It's good to know that maybe I haven't taken a step back, but actually a step forward. Thank you.

The cancer symbol is important too... This could be that the thing you're worrying over is something you don't think will go away (something you may not have fully resolved, at least in your own mind).

It definitely has the reminiscence feel to the imagery.

True. I am still in the process of patching myself up and remembering. As for reminiscence and unresolved issues...

Well, I'm going to have to look at the age. I seemed like I was seventeen in one area, and at seventeen, I definitely had my school issues. Plus this whole "I'm a bad person and deserve to be punished" thing. As a preteen, I was going through some changes in terms of being at a private school for the first time, but I (and I know this sounds odd) actually have some pretty happy memories of that school by and large (except for a rivalry with a certain girl, a period where a friend of mine was kind of a jerk, and a period where I couldn't get to sleep because I read the synopsis of Cujo and thought that rabid dogs were coming after me). That was also where I got into Star Wars, including the Expanded Universe (which I also read in high school -- I'd sit in class or on the bleachers and just read. I was very much a bookworm). And when I first was a teen in college, I had a lot of issues, including the matter of the...friends I talked about before. (And I started to realize that they might have been a factor in setting off my intrusive thoughts in 2013, plus the matter of what set it all off -- I tried getting them to stop what they were doing, which I probably shouldn't have done, and left the community I was in behind, which I should have, and then when I couldn't reply to one of them thanks to technical difficulties, the person in question blamed me for it. Like I didn't reply to her out of spite or something. So I did come to grips last night with how awful they really were, even though I really did nearly have a freak out over it. I do feel sorry for them though, a bit -- they had problems of their own) And then there was me having to take on a more mature role after my mom had surgery and my brother went through a rough patch -- I think I've been trying to act all mature and such ever since. I've grown to really admire Molly from Storm of the Century, ending aside, because of how kind she is, how generally in control and kind of a leader she is...those are kind of things I can't be. And I'm worried that if I mess up somehow, break down, things like that...I'm failing at maturity.

Maybe that's my problem. One of my problems. In a way, I really feel the need to be perfect, but honestly? I can't be. It doesn't work like that. I guess in a way I was also trying to deny any aspects of the people I had issues with (or potential aspects, at least) in myself. And I guess we are back to the Shadow thing again.

Maturity is not the lack of failure, it's how you handle failure as it comes to you...

....Yep, that's all I got ;P

No, you're completely right. I mean, maturity really is how you handle stuff hurtling towards you. In that area, at least, I'm not perfect (I doubt anyone is)

I guess what I don't understand what leads me to be so ruthless with myself. I've even had some degree of it as a kid -- I kind of beat myself up as a kid because I was too shy to say hello to the new girl at my school. I guess we all beat ourselves up to some extent, but I can be pretty merciless with myself. I don't know why. Best I can do is try and decrease that behavior.