[ladyrevan21]

I guess I figure I'd have this nightmare considering how nervous I am about neurofeedback (though I am still doing it because honestly, I want to at least alleviate a lot of the symptoms that have plagued me my whole life. Anxiety, OCD, etc. If I get some memories back, that might be a bonus), but it was still a pretty unsettling one. One part I remember vividly is

Possible trigger:

accusing my mother of molesting me (honestly, IRL it's just a...fear of mine) and telling her to stay far, far away from my kids (for the record, I don't have kids), all while she was saying there was nothing I could do to stop her. I think I also had an instance of trying to hold her off with stuffed animals.

There were other instances in there, more pleasant instances of stuff like me playing the second Knights of the Old Republic game, but I think this brief snippet of that nightmare scared me the most.

[Thunder Bow]

As a kid your may have molested you. If not physically, she did so with words. As a kid maybe you did hold her off with stuffed animals. Internally, you may be holding attacks you are making on yourself with softer feelings about yourself.

[ladyrevan21]

Possible trigger:

Honestly, I'm not sure if she did or not. I have a lot of stuff, I guess I should say, that I don't know was appropriate or not (the memories I have are patchy. I'm not in denial; my memories are just very patchy in places). I'm still working with my therapist in terms of dealing with my worries and she's thinking it's a symptom of a larger issue -- which I admit I hate when she brings up that idea. It just feels so...invalidating (if I wanted some way to express issues with my mom, I would have just gone out and said it. I don't care about the subconscious, yadda yadda et cetera et cetera, I would have just gone out and said it). I mean, even with just patchy fragments about things, I am nervous. And it doesn't help that occasionally some people in my family acted like I just woke up and decided to invent that story. They've gotten better about it, but still...

(I guess it doesn't help that my therapist has worked with molestation victims before, just not mother-daughter abuse cases. And I guess one fear I have of why almost no one IRL takes it seriously -- the 'Net is a different story, and here is a different story, so thank you. Really. -- is that some people don't think women are capable of abusing kids)

And it doesn't help that people in my life have had some variation on "don't talk about it, don't think about it", stuff like that. Which has actually made me question at times as to whether or not they care about me. I mean, if I had someone in my life who feared whatever bad flashes he/she was having, I would have supported him/her, I would have believed him/her, but...well, who knows? *Shrugs* They think the way they do because I have anxiety and OCD and so no matter what fear I have, they think it's the anxiety/OCD. My group therapist even said I wasn't allowed to talk about my sleep issues in therapy, never mind that we've never had a taboo on certain topics before.

I mean, I think I nearly had to end up in a psychward before they started to care about what happened to me. They're better now, but I guess part of me is still angry at how they didn't care about me.

(I'm...sorry if I come off as whiny. I had a lot of this inside me for quite a while)

So the first part of it could represent my fears about what might have happened, and my leftover anger at people. I think I even did a bit of a call out in one therapy session I had for people who didn't believe me, and another one for my dad for thinking that bringing a woman with

Possible trigger:

diagnosed suicidal and homicidal ideation

home.

Honestly, I don't recall ever having to hold her off with stuffed animals so I think the latter interpretation is more likely. I think I was just trying to reassure myself as of late that it'll be fine, and doing some personal treatment for my symptoms outside of therapy. Making certain steps, stuff like that. I doubt there's anything I can really do to get the memories in full back, so the best I can do is treat my anxiety and OCD and everything else. I mean, I'm not really certain of anything right now, except for the fact I do have symptoms that need to be treated. And...who knows? Maybe the memories will come back. Maybe.

I think the fact I had it prior to my first neurofeedback session is another factor. I think I was nervous about the neurofeedback session, and so that, plus a lot of what I mentioned above...that was a factor. So I have anxiety, leftover anger, and kind of realizing in some areas I have to sort of mentor myself. Hopefully on the latter I did a decent job.

[medkev13]

There was another dream I read a couple days ago with

Possible trigger:

sexual abuse on children

In dreams, sex (and sexual implications) are almost never literally translated. The imagery has to do with communication and connecting intimately with people...

On the surface we see this issue of an accusation. Note that in the dream there isn't even a mention of it having -actually- happened. You've already attributed this to a fear of making the accusation. I'd say that you know the dream better than any interpreter could. But let's take the aspect a step further. The accusation is that there was a mistreatment regarding relating and connecting with you as a child. That's the logical followup from the premise regarding what sex relates to.

--> Were there any times in your youth you felt like your connection/relationship with your mother was tainted or broken? This could be as simple as saying something that changed how you see her to something as distinct as watching her actions and choices in life.
--> How did you address it as a child? How did it affect you then? Does it still effect how you see your mother now?

Taking things a level deeper, now...

Your mother is a projection of you. What things in your mother do you relate to now? Do you, maybe, see those things that changed how you related to her as a child in yourself? How is this effecting you?

And you held your mother off with stuffed animals...

Stuffed animals are innately non-threatening, and often symbolize childhood and innocence. (If you see them a different way, how you see them takes priority to the 'common answer'). Was there some way you coped with problems relating to your mother, as a child? Now, being grown up, you don't have these stuffed animals anymore, but you're subconsciously seeking a way to deal with the schism.

--> What coping techniques are you utilizing? Are there any that you're seeing as ineffective? How can you shift your perspective to make relating to your mother easier?

[ladyrevan21]

That's pretty interesting, actually. Regarding the accusation...I actually remember it slipping out twice because at that time, I pretty much had zero guides to what happens when a dream-memory-whatever you've been carrying with you for a while (I think I remember it popping up when I was a teenager and watching Brad Jones' DVR-Hell on Too Smart For Strangers -- that was before I left the TGWTG fandom after it basically...well, you wouldn't want to see it now is all I have to say. And I remember it popping up again when I was twenty) and...honestly, I shouldn't have done it, I had almost zero support on this, but I guess Mom kept quizzing me and it slipped out.

As for feeling like aspects of my connection being tainted or broken...well, there were certain behaviors in my youth that I'm kind of reevaluating (read: panicking at what I'll probably find) -- the really troubling part is that while my really clear memories are clear, some of the memories I'm trying to evaluate are patchy and rather cloudy. (Now, granted, I guess everyone has patchy memories and memories aren't like video recorders, but considering how my memory is usually pretty good -- I think it can even go back to when I was possibly a toddler -- and I am starting to regain pieces of my childhood...it's troubling) And putting that aside, she just seems to have this weird skepticism/cynicism about people, things like that. And she and my dad are really overprotective of me, thinking I can't do certain things myself, she actually thought that

Possible trigger:

going to take the dog out for a walk at night would leave me more vulnerable to being raped, and she actually feared that a friend of mine would basically possibly rape me, never mind that he's been nothing but a gentleman to me. Maybe they're just normal mom fears, but...I dunno, they seem weird to me.

And then there are kind of the other things -- small things, I guess. Maybe not strong enough to break my connection with her (as a young adult, I've kind of had a very strong loyalty to my family. Now that the flashes are back, though, I feel like I can't trust anyone) but definitely things where I got angry with her. I think during those times I usually just got defiant, vented in a journal or something, things like that. As for what I can relate to, well...she did tell me that I act the same way she did when she was my age, and there is the matter of my OCD kind of telling me things that...honestly, I don't think I can say aloud; they're too disturbing. (And again, it loops back to 2013 when I think the worst of these thoughts started. Though there's probably more I have yet to even acknowledge to myself, actually) And both things...well, one is actually kind of unsettling and the second...it does kind of feel like I'm deconstructing myself the deeper I dig. Like "who am I? Why am I the way I am?" Things like that. And finding some rather disturbing truths that aren't really related to what set this off in the first place.

(So I guess whatever did or did not happen, I do have...issues that need to be treated)

As for how I dealt with issues with my mother, I vented to other people about it, I wrote...that's the most I can remember. The thing that really makes this even stranger was that...well, you know how some girls are Daddy's Girls? I was more of a Mommy's Girl as a kid, and it helped that I found her easier to relate to than my dad, where we...kind of fought a lot (though we have a stabler relationship now that I'm an adult). I was actually surprised to hear from Mom that I was close to him as a little girl (though it is backed up by the videos) because I was thinking, "I was close to him? But we couldn't stand each other!"

Right now, I've mostly been writing stuff down, working on my writing, working on some of my other issues (I realized that recently when I'm really distressed I pick at my face, which I've been trying to decrease), things like that. There was an anxiety workbook that Dad has that I think he gave me, but I'll be honest, I don't know if that can actually help me. As for relating to my mother...well, in terms of my mother-side, I can acknowledge a lot of the uncertainty I've been having, as well as feeling like I'm taking a trip down the rabbit hole. In terms of relating to my mother...I admit that I'm not quite certain.

[Thunder Bow]

You have been caught up in some nasty Family Process. It is still spinning on in your head. Just take a step back, call it just that : Family Process. Just know, you do not have take part of it anymore, in your head or with them. It is also easy to start that process with other people. Just tell yourself, you do not need to be in that anymore. Your Therapy can help you understand that process and how it works. You are making forward steps in your healing, I can see that.

[ladyrevan21]

Well, thank you. I definitely hope that I'm making forward steps; right now I kind of feel like I'm going in circles. (But at the same time, I'm peeling back some issues from 2013-2014 and actually starting to deal with them, and even some issues prior to that so there is that)

Out of curiosity, what do you mean by Family Process? I admit I've never really heard that term before. And yeah, I might have to speak with my therapist about it.

[medkev13]

I think it's the neutral term for when you address the dysfunctional aspect of your family relationships.

When you're dealing with layers, remember that each new layer is going to feel potent and fresh, like revealing new layers of an onion. Each step is closer than the last, though.

[ladyrevan21]

Ah. I see. I don't know if I can call my family dysfunctional (yet, although there are two uncles on my mom's side she hasn't spoken to in years, I think. One of my uncles is a tool, though -- last time I heard from him, he got my aunt really upset three years ago over Christmas, so, honestly, he's a jerk), but I'm acknowledging how really flawed they are. I did, however, while trying to make sense of certain intrusive thoughts I had in 2013...I actually did recover some stuff from when I was a senior in high school that showed that Dad really did care about me. It was after I had a fight with him and

Possible trigger:

I was actually wondering, basically, if people were better off without me. I was already having issues when I was a senior in high school -- as Mom recounts it, it was as if I suddenly turned into a really troubled kid when I became a senior -- and I was starting to believe I was some rotten kid for having these issues (I think some of the teachers thought so too; I remember a school principal basically saying that people with cancer were stronger/less wimpy/whatever than I was -- I'm mostly recounting from memory here, of course. For context, I might have not been feeling well/having what could be called an anxiety attack. I remember for unexplained reasons just feeling so anxious and like I couldn't breathe at times, and needing to just step into the hallway -- during moments of anxiety in 2013, I had to step out of French class because it was as if I couldn't take it anymore, like I couldn't breathe. So I felt like a rotten kid, I was stressed out by school, and I actually had...I guess suicidal ideations, but no plan. My therapist actually had to talk me down and on the way home...Dad was actually crying. I think it was the first time I actually saw him cry, honestly. And it scared me a little.

I think my Dad does care about me. I guess it's just in this territory he doesn't get it. He doesn't quite understand it all. But he does care about me. And I think there are many others who do too -- I guess the problem is that ever since these flashes started, and probably even before that, I've felt isolated. Crazy, alone, dirty, unworthy, things like that. Mostly I've been starting to realize I'm not that. And I guess I don't have to engage in the more flawed parts of the family. (Can't really leave right now, though; I don't have a job or a degree, so I can't really support myself. I know, probably excuses on my part)

And that's true. I know whenever I peel back a layer it does feel pretty painful. Really painful, actually. My mind pretty much shoved my senior year memories to the back of my brain for a reason, for example. And I guess I do kind of wonder if, in comparison to others, my issues are pretty small at least. But at least it can help me with the nightmares I've had, the intrusive thoughts, things like that. And the more I peel back, the more clarity, I guess, I get on my history, which is a plus.

And thank you. I guess I just feel like I've been going in circles here, so it's good to know that I'm doing better than I think I am.

[Thunder Bow]

"Family Process" Is how various family members interact with each other. It is Family Dynamics. It is how family members interact with each other and all the emotions that guide those interactions. Think of a TV sitcom like "All In The Family" for a more simplified understanding.

[ladyrevan21]

Ah. That makes sense. That's pretty neat, actually!