[ladyrevan21]

So I had a pretty interesting dream. I think there was the audio stimulus again because I had on the Stephen King Cast once again and my brother, who was in a theater with me (like a theater that you'd see a play in. I think they had some sort of band up there as well) started saying things that, I realized, were actually coming from the podcast itself. (That was a pretty surreal experience, actually. ) There was also a baby in the dream that I was worried about being

Possible trigger:

abused

although that could have been attributed to some stuff I read. Then again, I haven't exactly been reading that stuff in a while so I guess...why now?

Beyond that, I can't say I remember the rest. (Also, I think this is the second dream I've had regarding a baby)

[Thunder Bow]

A dream about your fears of being abused in real life.

[medkev13]

Yeah, it's the recurring anxiety about your past, it seems. Like you said - this isn't the first dream of a baby you had.

You're getting to the point where you're identifying the source for the dream imagery on your own. It's nice to see ^_^ Be mindful when you have audio stimulus during sleep, as there's always the factor of it basically steering what happens in your dreams. People that practice Lucid Dreaming sometimes report having a harder time controlling the dreamscape because the radio or tv is on in the waking world. ((Think of it like controlling an experiment, but having a constant stream of variables being added to the mix))

[ladyrevan21]

Basically. But I don't have any preverbal memories that would suggest abuse, which is a relief, actually. My mom did mention a period at an old daycare that I used to go to (she and Dad took me out when I kept catching illnesses from the other kids) where...I'm trying to recall what she said exactly, but she said that there was one woman who was impatient about me (as a one year old, I believe) being unable to eat on my own. I think (emphasis on "I think" -- I'm trying to recall the story from memory) the woman actually advocated just leaving me there until I learned to do it myself. (Don't know if that qualifies as abuse or not, but it is a pretty unfair way to treat a baby.) I was actually put back in the infants' room where...well, let's say babies cry a lot, I'm very sensitive to noise, so you can imagine that I wasn't exactly a happy camper. Mom and Dad took me out of the daycare center mostly because I kept getting sick.

I admit that hearing the story...I actually thought it was a bit unfair, because honestly, if I were that woman, I would have helped that baby (the woman seemed to think if I didn't learn it by myself, I wouldn't learn it at all. Fortunately, I did get the hang of it). I guess it's a bit weird that I don't have any memory of that event, but then again, people don't code memories between 1-3, so...maybe it's not abnormal. *Shrugs*

And there's a lot of anxiety there, yeah, about my past. What I'll find. Doesn't help that my aunt thinks that I'm stuck in a rut which...I guess I'm a bit too hypervigilant right now. Ever since that flash hit me, it's like I'm too sensitive to being touched by family members, I'm worried about what else I'll find, and I just feel...mad a lot. I guess in a way, I'm almost dependent on staying mad and can't find a way to not depend so much on my anger. I think ever since third grade, actually, anger's been...well, one heck of a motivator, actually. And I'm worried about what's going to happen when I actually let go of my anger. (People in my family keep telling me to let it go, that nothing bad happened to me...honestly? I wish I could believe them. :/) Whether it's for myself or others, anger's been a pretty dominant emotion. (I just wonder if there's a way to integrate it more constructively? Sort of like my shadow) I'm thinking I got my temper from my dad, because he has issues with his anger as well (which he's admitted to sort of struggling with daily).

And considering the additional symbolism of the baby representing a new me, mentioned in earlier threads, I think it might also be my fear of how others will accept the new me. My aunt did mention she misses the old, happier me (because I was pretty happy before this happened). Honestly, most I'm doing is trying to cope, put myself back together, get my memories back so I can at least make sense of real vs. not real.

And thanks! Honestly, it's just a matter of taking what I've been told and analyzing it a little. And then there are just those "Aha!" moments that show how things fit into place.

Yeah, I can imagine that would be a pain in the butt. Maybe for the night I could try something else -- meditation, etc. And the controlling the experiment thing makes sense. Out of curiosity, what is lucid dreaming? I've heard of the concept, but I admit I don't know what it is. (I hope this doesn't sound like a silly question)

[medkev13]

So, this is what I'm reading based on this and your other threads...correct me if I'm wrong.

You're concerned because between worries and suspicions brought up from reclaimed memories and the imagery rising in your dreams you think you were abused as a child???

[ladyrevan21]

I don't know, actually. Basically, I had a bad flash last semester (just a really disturbing one) that kind of set off everything. I think I've always had it, but...this came to the forefront. I don't think that the imagery in the dreams suggests I've been abused, or even the memories that have come up when I've done some digging. So I could be completely wrong about things. I do know I have a lot of issues I have to deal with.

(I...hope I make sense here. And I hope you're not angry with me. I'm sorry)

[medkev13]

Why would I be angry??? I was just looking to clarify...

My point was this - memories have this weird way they function, in that they are highly susceptible to suggestion while at the same time experienced physiologically as if they are actively happening. I'll break it down into parts...

First, the more common knowledge : It's easy to influence and skew recalled memories. That's why hypnosis isn't considered valid evidence in courtrooms. All it takes is wording questions and placing triggers in a certain way that the person is more likely to -believe- that something could have happened. I'm not saying that someone basically created the suggestion that you were abused, just that it's easy to change memories after the fact. For example - my mother has told me certain things have happened when I was a toddler. While I didn't have any concrete memories of it before, I had something more akin to snapshots from that age. Having the story told to me, mentally I found these snapshots pieced together to form a makeshift scenario of that "memory". It isn't a true memory, as I have no way of really knowing what the details of the moment were, and I'm pretty sure my subconscious simply took what it had and workes it together in a way that made sense.

Next, taking these not-necessarily-accurate memories, the simple act of recalling a memory triggers a physiological reaction in the body that basically recreates the sensations of that memory. So you're faced with the "maybe this happened" memory, and it creates a reaction of distress and discomfort. But by actively recalling this "memory", your mind isn't able to distinguish between the past and the present. So you experience the maybe memory the same way you experiece a real memory, creating a self-proving cycle.

((Fun fact :: The memory reaction is both why we say people "live in the past", as well as why we address dreams as true experiences despite the fact that they are completely internal.))

[ladyrevan21]

Thank you. I guess it's just...it's kind of been a minefield in the family ever since it happened. So I guess I've been a bit worried at times. Honestly, I'm just hoping that whatever I thought happened is the case. I think the thing is that everyone here has been wonderfully supportive of me, which is a relief.

That is pretty interesting in regards to how memories work. Especially in terms of how complicated young memory is. I think in my case, it might have been stuff that's been jumbled together because of, say, knowledge I couldn't have had until I was an older kid and stuff that probably only happened when I was a younger kid. And I think something that was really terrifying come to think of it -- it was like after I had that maybe-memory (good term for it, by the way!), I lost the rest of my memories. Not the basics (I mean, I knew my name, I knew places I'd been recently, etc.), but...quite a few of them. I don't know what it is, but it was terrifying. I'm actually wondering if I had some sort of break, but...I dunno. It did scare the crap out of me, I know that much. And it really does occasionally feel like it's taking place in the present because I can just...well, feel that bathroom (before it got remodeled). How cold it is, and how sterile. Other stuff too. I usually have to try and calm myself down afterwards. I guess in a way I am living in the past -- maybe I'm scared to think of what will happen if I move (no pun intended) past it. And yeah, dreams...they're completely internal, but they're usually a good indicator of how the dreamer must be feeling.

So, honestly? I think this whole process is helping. Keeping track of my sleep schedule, getting to the roots of things, and getting some of my memories back. So...thank you.

[medkev13]

For what it's worth, I don't have any solid memories of kindergarten or earlier. And even from 1st to fourth grade all I have are snippets.

[ladyrevan21]

Yeah, people do have different ranges of memory. How much they can remember, what stages they can and can't remember. I can't remember second or fourth grade too well, or age twelve. High school is also a bit patchy. It depends on the person, I guess.

Also, about that previous post, I meant to say that I hope what I thought happened isn't the case. My brain tends to leave out important words sometimes.