[rainbow8]

I get disappointed and hurt easily, and I'm not sure if this is due to low self-esteem, expecting too much, wanting too much, or what. I know the world doesn't center around me, but often I wish it did. Even like posting on PC. I feel so disappointed when I don't get responses. Or in RL if people talk to someone else and ignore me. I know my T has told me it should be okay either way: I get the attention or I don't. Self-esteem shouldn't depend on how others treat me (unless it's abusive), right?

[Cthomas]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I get disappointed and hurt easily, and I'm not sure if this is due to low self-esteem, expecting too much, wanting too much, or what. I know the world doesn't center around me, but often I wish it did. Even like posting on PC. I feel so disappointed when I don't get responses. Or in RL if people talk to someone else and ignore me. I know my T has told me it should be okay either way: I get the attention or I don't. Self-esteem shouldn't depend on how others treat me (unless it's abusive), right?

Honestly I think if we work at it the right way, it should NOT bother us. NOW.....tell that to ME (i have issues with that....)

But i think that we do expect too much. We need to be happy inside. Apparently if we are content with ourselves, we wont need others to keep us happy. Least thats what im working on. I try thats for sure!

Hope this helps

Colleen

[Mouse_]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I get disappointed and hurt easily, and I'm not sure if this is due to low self-esteem, expecting too much, wanting too much, or what. I know the world doesn't center around me, but often I wish it did. Even like posting on PC. I feel so disappointed when I don't get responses. Or in RL if people talk to someone else and ignore me. I know my T has told me it should be okay either way: I get the attention or I don't. Self-esteem shouldn't depend on how others treat me (unless it's abusive), right?

Its one of those, "intellectually" I Know, , but emotionally the pain still remains. Its more about not having got what we needed at a much younger age, once we get that need met, we can then begin to take ownership off our own well-being.

[rainbow8]

Thanks, Colleen. Yeah, being content with ourselves. That's the solution, so I guess we have to keep trying.

Mouse: thanks for noticing me here. I'm still a work in progress, as my T always told me.

[Fuzzybear]

[Miss Laura]

Hey Rainbow,

I am the exact same. Like for instance I have moved out my family home and now live in a wee flat with a colleague from work. My twin sister whom I am "close" to has not been up to see the flat outwith when with my folks. I am really hurt. I thought she would always be up here. But nope. My mate called me and I ended up crying on the other end of the phone. I felt like a complete idiot but I needed to do it. I am really annoyed at my Sister. Anyways I am like this with my friends when they let me down at the last minute. No matter what it is. One mate in particular lets me down all the time when we arrange to go out for a meal. However she makes up for it. So I guess I can't complain. Even tonight, I finshed my shift at work at 6pm and thought I would arrange a night out. No-one is willing to go to the night out as all my mates have boyfriends and are spending time with them. Where as I have no one.

Just thought I would let you know that you are not alone

[Malady156]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Self-esteem shouldn't depend on how others treat me (unless it's abusive), right?

The entire notion that self-esteem exists in some hermetically-sealed vacuum-chamber entirely separate from, and unrelated to, how people treat us, happens to be an absolute crock and a gigantic vast load of sh/t. If your T or anyone else keeps trying to sell you this bootstrapping lie, fire them and find people who have a better, healthier grasp on reality to aid you with your healing and recovery. You don't need others passing on the same toxic bully/abuser memes that subjected them to lying garbage and warped their thinking in this regard.



Honestly this type of toxic garbage choking the meme pool makes Malady want to HURL.

A HEALTHIER approach would be to begin from the vantage point of the facts.
FACT: people paying attention to us, particularly positive attention, show us we matter.
FACT: we cannot truly feel we "matter" if we "matter" only to ourselves, so no hermetically-sealed vacuums on self-esteem, OK?
FACT: IF we do not get the healthy amount of psycho-emotional affirmation, validation, etc. we need (not just want but NEED) then we tend to act out in unhealthy ways seeking to fill that gap (i.e. acting out in ways to force negative attention -- the subconscious deal of "any attention would be better than none")
FACT: it bes perfectly normal and acceptable to need affirmation, validation, and other indicators from others that you matter, that you bes loved. NOTHING wrong with you for needing that; we ALL do.
FACT: that does not mean others will always give it to you OR EVEN give a crap ABOUT giving that to you, i.e., see it as their "job".
FACT: this does not mean they maliciously withhold it. but even realizing that will not stop being overlooked and ignored from feeling hurtful.
FACT: you have a right to those feelings and anything else you feel. you have a right to own and express those feelings.
FACT: doing & recognizing all these things will help; it bes called loving yourself the healthy way, and it, too, can help fill in the gaps on your self-esteem
FACT: as you lovingly esteem yourself, you will in time begin to grow in confidence and this will show -- which will also usually have the effect of making you less likely to be overlooked or blown off, which in turn will help you feel more validated.
FACT: self-blame and self-condemnation and the whole toxic shame spiral suck and don't resolve anything. Even if you pick a different method to cope with things than the one outlined here, don't let the lies in the world passed off as "truth" or "wisdom" which dictate a toxic isolation tank to you, suck you down into believing them.

[Naturefreak]

Originally Posted by Malady156

The entire notion that self-esteem exists in some hermetically-sealed vacuum-chamber entirely separate from, and unrelated to, how people treat us, happens to be an absolute crock and a gigantic vast load of sh/t. If your T or anyone else keeps trying to sell you this bootstrapping lie, fire them and find people who have a better, healthier grasp on reality to aid you with your healing and recovery. You don't need others passing on the same toxic bully/abuser memes that subjected them to lying garbage and warped their thinking in this regard.



Honestly this type of toxic garbage choking the meme pool makes Malady want to HURL.

A HEALTHIER approach would be to begin from the vantage point of the facts.
FACT: people paying attention to us, particularly positive attention, show us we matter.
FACT: we cannot truly feel we "matter" if we "matter" only to ourselves, so no hermetically-sealed vacuums on self-esteem, OK?
FACT: IF we do not get the healthy amount of psycho-emotional affirmation, validation, etc. we need (not just want but NEED) then we tend to act out in unhealthy ways seeking to fill that gap (i.e. acting out in ways to force negative attention -- the subconscious deal of "any attention would be better than none")
FACT: it bes perfectly normal and acceptable to need affirmation, validation, and other indicators from others that you matter, that you bes loved. NOTHING wrong with you for needing that; we ALL do.
FACT: that does not mean others will always give it to you OR EVEN give a crap ABOUT giving that to you, i.e., see it as their "job".
FACT: this does not mean they maliciously withhold it. but even realizing that will not stop being overlooked and ignored from feeling hurtful.
FACT: you have a right to those feelings and anything else you feel. you have a right to own and express those feelings.
FACT: doing & recognizing all these things will help; it bes called loving yourself the healthy way, and it, too, can help fill in the gaps on your self-esteem
FACT: as you lovingly esteem yourself, you will in time begin to grow in confidence and this will show -- which will also usually have the effect of making you less likely to be overlooked or blown off, which in turn will help you feel more validated.
FACT: self-blame and self-condemnation and the whole toxic shame spiral suck and don't resolve anything. Even if you pick a different method to cope with things than the one outlined here, don't let the lies in the world passed off as "truth" or "wisdom" which dictate a toxic isolation tank to you, suck you down into believing them.

I do not truly feel I matter because I DON'T matter to myself.

[Malady156]

People end up not mattering to themselves because of those who treated them like they didn't matter combined with others filling their heads with the toxic crap mentioned above. However, the claim not to matter to oneself, in itself, can be deceptive. We can certainly feel that way, but statistically speaking most of us would flinch from harm inflicted from outside our hands, or react to harm inflicted by others, thus proving we instinctively don't simply lay there and take it by nature.

For Moriah (Malady) things, and people, matter too much, generally. It would like it if things/people mattered less. Then it would not have to wrestle against the overwhelming churning desires it has.

[Malady156]

Originally Posted by Mouse_

Its one of those, "intellectually" I Know, , but emotionally the pain still remains. Its more about not having got what we needed at a much younger age, once we get that need met, we can then begin to take ownership off our own well-being.

As for the OP ... Moriah thinks Mouse here did a fabulous job of wrapping up the basics in a nutshell. Well written, Mouse.

[JayS]

I agree with all that Malady156 say's... I see no problem in any of it... She is very wise and make's a lot of sense to me.