[Hopeless_2010]

What is that? I guess I will have to get my dictionary out .

I have such low self esteem that I won't even go to a store alone. I am so afraid people are talking about me saying that I am so fat or that my clothes are all wrong. If I pull up to a red light I FREAK OUT because I worry the same. Who is looking at me...I sit there and stare that red light into turning green. If I have someone in the car with me or if someone is at the store with me then I am OK because that person keeps me occupied and my mind doesn't go into overdrive so bad. It really sucks. I won't pump gas anywhere new because I don't want to get out and have to read how to pump at that station. I won't go to a new doctor or some other appointment for the first time because I am afraid of looking stupid when I don't know where I am going. I hate it

And how does not going and feeling stupid help you?

[lynn P.]

The more you push youself to do the things you want to do - the better you'll feel and your self esteem will rise. I used to be painfully shy as a child but I learned to manage it very well. I used to be worried all the time what others were thinking and now I don't worry at all. I think I have great self esteem now and so do my daughters. Try not to worry about unnecessary things - believe me people outside are worried about alot of other things. Do the very things you don't want to do.

[SallyBeam]

My dear,

You've done the great step..which is you acknowledge you feeling.

I used to worry what others may think about me.

One technic from "How to win friends and influence people" book by Dale Carnegie helped me.

I practice smiling in front of mirror. And I select the smile that I think it makes me most beautiful. Then I practice smiling like that more and more in front of the mirror.

When looking at mirror, smile . Look at your eyes in the mirror..Smile and say to yourself while looking at your eyes in the mirror "You're cute/pretty/beautiful".(select word you love to use)

Say this message/affirmation often. U will feel good about urself -> Your esteem grows

P.S. Next time you aware of your worry about other's thought. Just acknowledge it "Thanks for sharing." Then focus your thought to your magic words or affirmations like "I am cute/pretty/beautiful (more & more everyday)".

Here's the step-by-step self esteem help you can choose to do. And let your esteem shines.

[Hopeless_2010]

Thanks to you all.

I do go to the appointments. It is just the first time I ask someone to go with me. After that and I know where I am going I am fine with it. Then I just sit in the waiting room and worry about people starring at me.

I try to push myself and once so far in my life (2 years ago) I wanted to go to something so bad that I did it. OMG I was so PROUD of myself and it felt so good. I was more excited that I did than the event itself !

SallyBeam thank you. I am going to print that out and start using it. I really appreciate it

[sanityseeker]

Hi Hope... congrats on your successes. It gets easier with practice. I still deal with those automatic messages because I don't give myself enough opportunities to practice. One thing that really helps me is to replace the worrisome thoughts with these truths:

If you really knew how seldom people noticed you, you wouldn't worry so much about what they thought. People are generally preoccupied with themselves so you can assume that they have little time to even notice you.

My brother has always insisted that the best way to overcome shyness is to be the first to offer a smile and a little bit of small talk. It works and when I practise his advise I feel soooo much more at ease.

He taught me this many years ago when we shared an apartment on the 24th floor. He would find me waiting at the elavator for a chance to get on a car up alone because I didn't want to be stuck in one with anyone else. The silence was deadly and I was sure they were thinking horrible things about me. A smile and a little conversation about the weather can magically turn those thoughts away.

[Hopeless_2010]

Thanks Sanity. I do always smile and try to make small talk but it seems people just tend to walk away. I don't know why. I don't have any friends either. Everytime I think I have made one I haven't. I try to do so much for so many people. Always offering to help with people's kids, driving other kids places when I am going somewhere, voluntering for everything but nothing seems to work

[sanityseeker]

Hi Hope... yes... some people do just turn away. Unfortunatley. Further proof how preoccupied they are. Not a reflection of you. Mustn't take it personally. Don't buy the lie that there is something wrong with you just because people don't always return your kindness.

Given that I have had many of the same experiences as you with being a 'disappointed giver' I do know how hard it is to keep making the effort. I am sorry you have been so disappointed in your efforts.

I remember a story. I was desperate for a friend. I had left my job, moved to a new town and was lonely for company. Between episodes I tried to make friends with other mothers at my son's school, with people in the neighbourhood, at the gym, the garden club and other places around town. It seemed like there was just no room for me and it was very upsetting. I felt even more lonely for my efforts.

One day I decided to go to church and before I went I prayed that I would find a new best friend at church. I hadn't been to church for years and was really blessed by the service but as people socialize afterwards I looked around and tried to make conversations with people that lasted longer than an exchange of smiles and their welcoming handshakes. But all I saw were families and friends enjoying each other until I tired of standing alone and left disappointed my prayer had not been answered but grateful for the blessings I received from the service just the same.

Then the funniest thing happened. As I was getting into my truck my eyes connected with a woman alone about my age who was just getting out of her car. It was only a brief encounter but something inside me said 'That is her. That is my new best friend.' I watched her head into the church and although I couldn't bring myself to go back in and find a way to strick up a conversation with her I decided I would return the next week to meet her. I sang all the way home.

Sadly I was stuck down with depression during the week and never did go back. I often think about her and I wonder if we would be friends today had I remained in the game.

I think that when we really make our desire known to ourselves and make it a prayer or spoken intension and we take action towards it that we can open doors to usher our desires into our lives. Not only that but our vision improves and we see it when it appears because we are looking for it. But we have to want it enough to go after it until we get it.

Don't know if this makes any sense to your circumstance but you got me thinking about it so I thought I would share. I know I need to get out more and that I have gotten way to resigned to my life alone. It has been a long time since I have put myself in the game to experience either blessings or disappointments.

Maybe we just need more practice and more opportunities and eventually the scales will balance. I hope the tide turns for you soon Hope and that you find that special friend you are looking for and it is able to develop into the kind of friendship that you so desire and absolutely deserve.

[Hopeless_2010]

Sanity...thank you so much for sharing your story with me . I try not to give up. I love who I am on the inside. I am caring, witty, loving, warm, calm, and several other qualities it is just the outside that gets me down. I think. I don't know why people don't connect with me. People talk to me like at 4-H, and the kids' schools but when I try to be actual friends with them they don't answer texts or keep in touch. So that is where I get confused. I kinda feel like the new kid in school. We moved to a small village population 3,000. I LOVE IT here so much, but its kind of like everyone has their friends and I am just the lonely new kid. Oh well. You know what...I would rather it be ME than my kids. My kids have so many friends. And the funny thing is ... I am the "cool mom". My daughter's friends LOVE me more than their parents . I am fun! I let them come over and have dance parties in the basement (no alcohol or sex) !! Just fun times. My daughter is 14 and all her friends text me all the time. I just got a text yesterday of one of my d's friends and she sent me a picture of her new formal dress and asked if I liked it. Her friends will text me and tell me they love me, that they miss me...and this group of 14 year old boys (including my d's boyfriend) called me one night and they all sang to me *LOUD*. They were singing "Taylor's moms got it going on"....Don't know if anyone knows the real song...I think its Jenny's mom....anyway...they love me. If we are at the fair or somewhere they will all coming running up to hug me.

OK..I'll shut up now . Thanks for listening.

[SallyBeam]

Hope...Cool Mom!

I love you..Keep doing

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” - Lao-tzu/Confucius

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.” - Thomas Edison