[BrokenNBeautiful]

I have been browsing this forum today and came across many that I can relate to.

The last one I looked at was about ugliness.

Now, all my life, ppl told me I was pretty and attractive, at least on the outside. They would say, "Billi you are so pretty, why don't you smile more?" or one time, "Too bad you are so ugly inside cause you are so pretty."

I have learned that the inside is what counts, so I feel now that I really am ugly. Maybe I really do have a "black heart".

i am attempting to think though that I am just sick, not bad. It's so hard, though, when I still think ppl are avoiding me or hate me.

When my last therapist abandoned me, it really hit me.

"What is so wrong with me?" I keep asking.

Then I say to that voice, "Thank you, shame. All you do is destroy me more. I want to live!"

My 12 step sponsor says there is the potential for good and for evil in all of us.

With that in mind, I can go on.

No one is pure evil.

Billi

[Lisa Michelle]

I don't know you, but just from your posts on here you don't seem 'ugly' at all, just the opposite!! You are always quick to offer advice and understanding.
Maybe you do have bad qualities sometimes, but we allllll do. And yeah, mental illness can get in the way of who we "really" are. Like, sometimes I am so moody that I snap at my mum, and it upsets her, but I love her so much, I don't want to be moody, I just get very easily overwhelmed because of all of my emotions right now. It doesn't make it right to be moody, but it doesn't make anything about it evil. I think it's probably the same with you (and probably everyone!).

It's a great thing that you know that is what's on the inside that counts. I've always felt ugly my whole life, and I DO know it's what you are like as a person that makes you beautiful, and I really try to focus on that, but sometimes I lose focus, I guess, and start thinking "gosh I look so ugly, I wish my nose were 'whatever' and my teeth were 'whatever'". So.. I know what matters, but haven't quite been able to feel it completely yet.

Anyway, billi, you seem nice to me. It seems a shame that such a sweet person on the boards would ever think they have evil inside them, or a black heart as you say - you certainly can't have a black heart when you offer such compassion here. What you are like on these boards counts too.

x

[pachyderm]

Words such as "evil" and "ugly" (and "beautiful" too) are "feeling words". But only living beings have feelings; things do NOT "have" feeling-qualities. Feelings are inside of people -- not outside. It is only when you cannot fully recognize what you feel that you start assigning "feeling words" to things outside yourself, and claiming that's where they belong, instead of acknowledging what you really feel about them.

[(JD)]

I think there are some people who are pure evil. However, no one who questions how they are, who they are, or whether they are is one of them.

I doubt very much if you are ugly .... and I hope you find a good place in life soon, where you can enjoy what there is for you!

[BrokenNBeautiful]

ty everyone.

I especially appreciate Lisa's answer.

Billi