[emoangel]

Hello all,

Its been awhile since I've been back here, but i feel that the grohol forums are a good resource of people who are willing to listen and give feedback, so here it goes.

Lately, I've been doubting myself and who my friends really are, actually this has been going on for quite awhile. Last year, i stepped over the "friend" line while single with a male friend of mine, and something seemed to backfire, even though there was never an obvious argument or blow up between us. Because of this, I lost a whole group of friends. It seems that four months of my life, i made a lot of mistakes similar to this. The reason for that being, I had just come out of an incredibly unhealthy and depressing relationship, and I guess i didn't know how to handle my new freedom. Ever since then I've been really unsure. I know that I have a few core friends, but I never see them for multiple reasons. My best friend left for London for the semester, another friend of mine works way over time and travels all over the place, another friend of mine is moving to cape cod, and others never seem to make the effort to see me. It seems like I am always the one who has to make the call and say "lets get together." Do people not want to see me? Why don't people call me? I am pretty shy, so I come off as haughty or snotty, but I'm really not. Its just hard for me to make friends. I commute to college so I don't have any connections inside dorms or anything. I am in the 13th best teaching school in the country, so my time for clubs is extremely limited. I just don't know what to do. I have friends through my boyfriend, but I feel its important to have my own group of friends.

I don't know if its me, or if I am worrying over nothing. I feel really lonely and I wish that I could make friends easily, but I cant. It seems impossible. I feel like secretly, people know something that I don't (particularly in the situation i described above) and that those I am still friends with, aren't telling me something and are sort of just pretending to be my friend. It goes on and on and on...you all get the picture.

I dont know what to do. Is it my lack of self estteem and confidence?

Help

[Myzen]

Hi emoangel,

I understand your worries. I feel that we go through periods of our lives when friends are easier to make, and other times when it's harder.

Like everything else, if we worry too much about it, then it seems to get worse. I would recommend keeping in touch with your friends in a relaxed way, and see how things go. Also I would find some time for a social activity to bring me in touch with some new people.

Finally, I would accept that some times we have a quiet time in our lives, and it can be OK for that to happen.

Happiness always comes from inside ourselves, it is not in other people's hands. If we are happy and secure in ourselves, others will always be attracted to us; if we are worried and anxious, they might tend tend to stand back. IMHO only the most mature and strong friends can see us through really hard times, most people fall somewhere in between.

Good thoughts, and stay with us!

M

[emoangel]

Thank you for your reply, even one reply, makes me feel better. I talked with a friend about what i was feeling, and i feel a bit better now, not 100% but a little more confident in myself than i once was. He pointed me to this quote.

"In life one must choose between boredom and suffering."

Madam de Stael

I think that maybe i often choose suffering because I am afraid of that quiet in my life. Im naturally an anxious person, i worry about everything, if there is nothing to worry about, i make something to worry about. Its clearly a trait ive gotten from my grandmother, but I hope, in time, to understand that a little quiet is good for the mind, body and soul. Thank you for your words, i deeply appreciate them.

Emo

[desirae]

I think if you just continue living your crazy busy life as it is, with school and all, friends will find you. I wouldn't worry to much about not having a close clique of friends, personally, I think having a good friend here and there is all that's needed to not feel alone.

Desirae

[(JD)]

If you find this pattern continues, then check with your school counselor to learn how to identify why you are doing this to yourself. I agree that you probably might need some down time to learn to be comfortable with / by yourself. I'm sorry for what happened... unfortunately these types of group responses continue on into adulthood, too.

clubs?

film society
toastmaster
hiking
cycling
bird / conservation
tennis

etc etc

can be a great way to meet likeminded people.
it is something people have been on at me to do...
a few of my friends have joined up to various things because they wanted a broader base of friends and they said it was really hard to start wtih but they found...
most people were there for the same reason really...
and they had a lot of fun and it did the trick :-)

for me...
i moved back on campus.
hard to be lonely in a hall with 350 other people...

[jamesH]

you remind me a lot of myself. im always wondering why i always have to call. in my case, i just stop. seems i never learned how to make friends when i grew up....i was alone a lot.

in my case for contrast, i choose boredom. only i am not bored, i entertain myself and keep myself company; most of the time. it is dependent on what kind of mood im in, sometimes i am content to drink with my friends, others i just want to be alone in my room on my computer. i guess im just not a social person, but its hard to live like that and so i dont see a solution for me....maybe you can find yours with the suggestions thus far.

in general though, self doubt may or may not be truthful worries but what matters is your confidence either way. if youre confident that you look ok or said the right thing, then whether you do/did or not you still still the right thing. thats the thing with confidence. but its something i dont have.