[ClinicallyClueless]

My therapist and I have opened a door that was deeply tucked away, but my behavior screamed it all over the place and that is that my anger issues are the biggest with myself and there is self-hatred, self-loathing and a feeling like "I need to die."

The difficulty is that I know that I've internalized it from my family especially my mother and it happens automatically and I am often unaware until days later when I am talking about a situation. But, when we talk about it I become extremely defensive and dissociate. And, the after effect is increased suicidal ideation, feeling "bad" and increased urges to cut.

This is a difficult place to be in sometimes I know that it is like a flashback and other times, I can't seem to separate. I am also having increased nightmares and flashbacks. I am talking about it with my therapist who I see four times per week and he is available by telephone.

Has anyone else dealt with this and how did you cope?

[seeker1950]

CC...You sound a lot like me, at least in the observations I've made about disassociation, only to realize later on how my behavior was affected by my upbringing. As I read your words:
The difficulty is that I know that I've internalized it from my family especially my mother and it happens automatically and I am often unaware until days later when I am talking about a situation. But, when we talk about it I become extremely defensive and dissociate. And, the after effect is increased suicidal ideation, feeling "bad" and increased urges to cut.

This is a difficult place to be in sometimes I know that it is like a flashback and other times, I can't seem to separate. I am also having increased nightmares and flashbacks.

Back when I was in counseling, when the therapist would broach the subject of my upbringing, my family of origin, I was dismissive, and skirted around the subject of my parents, particularly my mother, who was abusive -- emotionally, verbally and especially physically.

Only recently have I come to terms with how all of that affected me, and I am processing it little bits at a time. And, yes, there are flashbacks, waking from sleep frequently. But unlike not dealing with it in my past, I am able now to process it, seeing clearly how I was conditioned to behave and feel as I have all my life.

Too much to talk about here, other than to say that I think your therapist is doing a good job (and this is not something I often say). It's damn hard work. I hope you will gain healing by this difficult passage.

Love
Patty

[Tara Satterfield]

THIS SOUNDS JUST LIKE ME. Due to my anger and fear, I react by speaking bad words and yelling to those that I love the most and in response I have lost many relationships.
(HELP, DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS FOR ME? )

[Sannah]

CC, just wanted to give you a hug . What a major discovery! You will gain so much after working through this. What a cycle you have there. Addressing it is so painful that you dissociate. You will be able to work through this CC. I am sorry that you have to deal with this though......

[shezbut]

You have discovered part of the equation, and hope that the rest comes up soon. Anger is a secondary emotion.

My guess would be that you've been through very traumatic events which you blame yourself for. Sexual, physical, or psychological abuse often cause symptoms along these lines. I've been there and have fought with myself for 25 years now. *knock on wood*

One tip I've been given is to look into the mirror everyday and verbally tell yourself that you have something nice. Something, anything that you honestly like about yourself. Hair, eyebrows, eyes, smile, nose, skin - whatever. Repeat it every time you look into the mirror. It only takes seconds. It's honest, positive, and necessary. You deserve a boost in your self-esteem! ((hugs)) to you !

Shez