Seeking advice for friend

Hi

Not sure if this the proper forum for this topic or not. I have a friend who on the surface seems to have the "doormat syndrome" but the problem actually seems to go deeper than just that. I guess I will start at the beginning...

I have known this woman for about 7 months now, we know each other from a online community and have regularly chatted on messengers and sometimes voicechat. She always seemed very kind, pleasant, shy, quiet. So it was just very nice talking to someone like that.

Now she is married, and from seeing issues and posts he made in the online community I got the impression he wasn't a very nice fellow, but never mentioned anything out of respect for her. IE, he seemed overly agressive with people, always wanting to fight, only thinking of himself, rude, ect...

now about 3 months ago I noticed she hadn't been online in about a week, then suddenly I saw her and asked how she was doing. She said she was depressed, hadn't been eating, just sleeping on day, "issues with my huspand". So over time she talked about it some, just starting with "he isn't really nice", and getting further into it. How their personalities don't mesh, how he is nasty to people, including her, I believe abusive. Apparently everyone she knows has been telling her to leave him, parents, friends, ect.

Yet she said she wasn't going to leave him out of "guilt". She always talks about she seems to have been born with a guilt complex and she always feels bad for other people, even if they aren't acting healthy or treating her well. She also said that "he says he needs me and can't go on without me", as another reason for not leaving, even though she agreed with me that saying this was purely done for manipulation purposes.

Now I learn something else... apparently she has some sort of "close" relationship with a member of our online community. Someone known for their immaturity and general jerkishness, for lack of a better term. Now I know she had been friends with him, but I was somewhat surprised that she was in anyway "involved with him". The kicker being he is 18(still living with parents), while she is 24(and married), and they have only actually met once. But apparently he calls every day and she talks to him while her huspand is at work. Now I am very sure this is just an emotional relationship, any port in a storm I understand, yet I still mentioned the unhealthy and unrealistic nature of this relationship. She at times seems to acknowledge it, but then falls right back into it.

A little about this person she has a "close relationship" with, he got on her messenger screename to tell me he didn't like me and would be monitoring the conversations she has with me. She told me about this incident of how she was talking to him, he spilled a drink, she said maybe he should pick it, he replied that his mom will pick it up when she gets home. She thought he was joking, told him to pick it up, and he got "mad". Then she asked me if what she said was ok, and told me it was probably her fault because she doesn't think before she talks... That and if for some reason she can't speak on the phone he just keeps calling and calling and calling until she picks up... But apparently he is very kind and "he's very sensitive like me it's scary". Now I am starting to feel alarmed at how much she lets her huspand and now this fellow walk all over her. Everything is always her fault, never THEIR RESPONSIBILITY or their wrongness

Skip ahead a little, after being very depressed something finally happened. On V day her huspand confronted her and wanted to know who she was having an affair with. Apparently he flipped out got a knife and threatened to kill himself("again" apparently). His brother was there and took him outside, but she still called the police and they suggested she be away from her huspand. So she went to live with her parents for a week and is currently at her own home, her huspand no longer living there. I was very very happy to see this happen, as it seems to be a break through for her. After 6 years she was finally able to break free from that relationship.

The problem still remains, she had no boundaries with anyone, anyone can do anything to her and she will just allow it, blame herself or rationalize the other person's actions away. The whole time I have been her friend I just keep reminding her of aspects that are unhealthy and encouraging more health behaviour.

She kept saying she was born with a guilt complex, she really feels guilty for other people, wants to be nice, wants to keep everyone happy, ect.

I told her I really don't think she was "born" that way. And she said no, she knows why she is the way she is. Then she told me this story about her brother... It was rather vague and for some reason it seemed rather wrong to me. She talked about her 8 year older brother and much she loved him, and always felt the need to take care of, watch out for him, even though he has always "lived a crazy and messed up lifestyle". She said she always puts him before himself "which was the way he wanted it", that statement just sounded bad. Then she went on to say how he had/does(?) hurt her very badly, and has done "horrible things" to her, yet he needs her so no matter what she will always be there for him.. Now is it just me, or does this sound very very bad? I mean am I seeing something that isn't there... I actually worked up the nerve to ask what "horrible things" were, and she said "oh, like life traumatizing, but it's not like he ever tried to kill me or anything.." which really didn't say much imo.

I also know that when she was younger she did a lot of drugs and lived a lifestyle to go along with that.

Now to the present, she seems much happier now that her huspand seems to be out of the picture, yet I am still worried. She still has no boundaries and lets this "close friend" walk all over her, and boy does he. She just really believes he is "sweet" and kind, just because of what he says at times. Yet from my pov he is immature, doesn't realize the extent of her problems and doesn't treat it seriously. He goes around telling people she is his girlfriend. I recently found out he was once again monitoring her convos, even though she promised he wouldn't anymore. She just totally brushed it off. She sees nothing wrong with any of his immature and controling ways. A psychologist friend in training mentioned she seems to have an inferiority complex, like thinking she isn't worthy of respect, never sticks up for herself, ect.

That's about it, I am sorry if my thoughts seem scattered or if I was vague at some points. I really feel strong empathy for this person and care about them, because it doesn't seem like they can care for themself. They also really do seem to have a sweet and kind nature. I don't want anything from them, my role has mainly been just to listen, and I try to think of the healthiest thing to say and gently make suggestions or observations. It can get so frustrating at times, like her apathy knowing he was once again watching her conversations...

But basically I am asking... what role should I be taking here? Should I continue to listen, stop offering advice, comepletely distance myself from her? I am PRETTY sure there was some kind of abuse from her brother, how does that play into the situation?

Thanks for the time all the people who bother to read this, I hope this was the right forum. Feel free to ask questions... I really think about this situation often and have asked a lot of friends about it.

I am sorry to see that your friend is going through this. Keep talking to her. She sounds like she needs the support and isn't getting much else where.

As for her (close friend) tell her that she is better than that. He is too imature and she needs a man with stability (not his mommy's hand)

Maybe even mention this place to her. There is alot of good people with experience and healthy advise.

"She kept saying she was born with a guilt complex, she really feels guilty for other people, wants to be nice, wants to keep everyone happy, ect."
She needs to be happy and healthy before she can make other people happy. If she has no respect/self worth peole will keep treating her like a "door mat".Also, she is not responcible for her brother. He is responcible for his own actions. She odviously learned that herself if she used to have a "drug lifestyle" The most she can do is give him emotional support when he needs it. If he is treating her like crap then maybe he isn't ready to deal with his own "ghosts" and just takes his frustrations out on her.

JUST KEEP BIENG HER FREIND AND SUPPORT HER. BE AN EMOTIONAL CRUTCH IF NEEDED.
AND KEEP TELLING HER THAT SHE IS WORTH IT AND MUCH BETTER THAN WHAT SHE IS ALLOWING HERSELF TO BE.

Thanks for the reply!

It's hard at times because people like her "close friend" act like they have ownership rights on her, and she submits to them and acts like nothing is wrong. I guess the key thing is that the relationship with the husband is over, since that was presently her biggest problem. At first I considered her close friend to be harmless, it still wasn't healthy but it wasn't as bad as her husband, but I now realize he is encouraging her to continue being a doormat. He also regularly seems to bring up topics that cause her to become worried and agitated about in real life.

I think some of her attachment stems from actually meeting him once, and at a time when the relationship with her husband was worse than usual. Apparently, even though she had been with many "jerk" guys, "no one decent ever offered to take me anyplace decent", and apparently "her close friend" did. I really can't judge him fully, I just know what I have seen, that he is very immature, and pushing his own agenda with her(ie a romantic relationship).

Your friend is lucky to have a friend like you. Be careful though. If she tends to latch onto people like she did with her husband and the "close friend," then she probably has a need to be taken care of or maybe even controlled. She is not being responsible for herself and her own life. If you encourage her to step away from these destructive relationships, she could try to build a similar relationship with you. It doesn't have to turn out that way, but is something to watch out for. It may take therapy for her to be able to break out of that pattern.

I relate to your friend on a lot of levels, and I wish that I had someone like you to take an interest and notice how destructive that kind of dependent relationships can be, but at the same time I wonder if I created my relationships out of my own unwillingness to take care of myself or lack of confidence, and maybe people like my husband really tried to encourage me to be a stronger individual and I wouldn't do it, and that might be why we are in the situation we are in now. I also feel lucky that I didn't fall in with people like her husband and "close friend" who seem so obviously out to take advantage of her.

Good luck helping your friend. I really would encourage her to get some professional help, because this is a pattern for her and it isn't so easy to change. I'm sure that your influence will help her, but you will probably have to be pretty firm sometimes. It's nice to know that people like you are out there.

Rap

When I first started realizing her problems were more than just issues with her husband I suggested that she see a counselor. Her parents are currently making her see one, which was another encouraging step forward. Apparently she doesn't think he can help, but it's a step in the right direction.

About the latching thing... I think people latch onto her and for whatever reasons and she can't break them off or even stand up to them. She actually claims to be "independent" but I don't see how that can be when you are subject to other peoples will's. Always trying to keep everyone happy. I mean it's something I can relate to, I usually try to play nice and avoid conflict over silly things, yet when it's something like someone infringing on my person rights or infringing on someone else's rights, that's something you can't let go.

I just don't fully understand the thinking, like she seems to be aware(and at times admits) that the actions of people such as her husband and close friend are "wrong", yet she just seems to brush them away.

But I guess I write this because I do not fully understand how she thinks and maybe from being rather discouraged that her "close friend's" control is undoing some of the positive steps she is taking. Also that she seems to defend his and take his side.

Example being... like I said once again he is watching what people tell her over messengers, without people knowing this. Yet her solution is simply not to use messengers to talk to people anymore, not to say change her password or tell him "no". I tried to explain how him doing this was a gross violation of not only herself but also the people she talks to, and how he was being very disrespectful. Basically she completely dodged the whole issue, apologized because it was her fault and keeps trying to avoid it.

But yeah, I just found that discouraging. >.< And it made me question if I was doing the right thing or in the right way... but I guess you have to be patient.