[AidenDaniels]

I am bad at talking about myself.

Here I go, As of late i have been feeling less and less worthy of my own time, like even i dont want to hang out with me. I feel as if my generosities to my friends are the only reason i have them. whenever i truly need them the arnt there, but when they need me all the have to do is ask and im there. i also feel just over all over shadowed by my brother, hes in the military aspiring to follow my grandfather to become a lawyer and what i want to do is be a cop, and at that i don't have my drivers license or a permit for that matter, i've flunked out of my college courses and im afraid to tell anyone, i feel as though i can try harder but then i get the overwhelming urge to say whats the point my brother is just going to one up me or why bother if i'm going to fail. I fake my sadness at school and home and everywhere but my true friends know im sad but dont ask and my family asks but i dont want them to worry. ive been thinking about just deleting this post since i started typing it thinking why bother noone will read it, ive never been one to tap into my emotions i dont know how and i am try but i feel more useless as i type. Any adivce can help, please

[Perna]

Originally Posted by AidenDaniels

whenever i truly need them the arnt there, but when they need me all the have to do is ask and im there.

Do you ask them for what you need or only hint at it? If you can get as specific as you can, it is easier to solve problems one's self.

"I wish I could talk to John" becomes a plan to get together with John to talk; you call and find out when it would be convenient to meet him at Starbucks and you take 10 minutes to run by what it is you want to talk to him about. If you just want to hang out, you call John and two or three other friends and see if you all can get together at the food court at the Mall, 1:00 on Sunday.

Whether or not you think you intuit and are "there" when they need you, it works much better to figure ourselves out, what we want and work on getting it before we "need" it. Think of it as if you were going to the hospital for an operation and would need help for 3-4 days after you got home; wouldn't you make arrangements before you went?

Lots of times other people are not available when we would like to see them. Calling it a "need" though escalates our yearning for someone? Have backup plans, books to read, projects to work on, chores you have been meaning to do (often when I'm lonely, just going to the store and chatting with the checkout clerk or the cleaner, library, etc. helps me feel more connected and less lonely).

If you only have flaky friends, who can rarely be counted on when you ask them to help you (move house, pick you up/drop you off somewhere when your car is in the shop, run to the drugstore and pick up a prescription when you're sick, bring you chicken soup when you're sick, that kind of thing) I don't know why you consider them "friends" instead of acquaintances. I have friends I have not seen or talked to in person (or even phone/texting/email) for years but if I called them right now with a true need, I know I could count on them to help.

No one has friends that don't require being asked for whatever is wanted; socializing, help, hanging out with. That's why we have to work to become our own friend! It's not automatic just because we are ourselves When we are down on ourselves, that's especially when we put on our "friend" hat and respond as we would if someone else had asked us for companionship and encouragement. I've written you a friendly post here but I cannot be as good a friend, even if I were with you in person right this minute, as you can be to yourself; it's just not possible for me to get to know you as well as you can get to know yourself.

Excellent advice from Perna, I'm new here and haven't made many posts but as someone who has low self-esteem and is in the process of learning about the nature of it I'll add my two penneth. I really feel for you because I know how bad those feelings can be but please believe me - there is light at the end of the tunnel.

What you are describing sounds like classic low self esteem - you compare yourself unfavourably with your brother, although you are an unique individual and will have your own strengths (you might not believe that right now but if you work on improving your self esteem you will recognise your strengths). You say you don't want to worry your family, but as a mother I can tell you if my son was feeling as you were I would want him to talk to me - no question about it. As they've asked if you are okay, it's quite likely they are worried already & may be just waiting for you to open up to them.

Perna is right about learning to be your own friend, it's all about not being hard on yourself and looking at yourself with a kindlier perspective. I doubt you would be as harsh on another as you are being on yourself - and for the record I don't think you are bad at talking about yourself, I think you conveyed very well the sadness you are feeling right now & it took courage to post about something you find hard to talk about.

My advice to you would be to think about talking to someone you trust, you might find you feel a bit better just sharing how you feel and the people around you will have the chance to support you. If you don't want to do this perhaps you could talk to your doctor, or is there some kind of student support at your school (apologies, not American so not familiar with the system)?

[enlightenedM]

Hi AidenDaniels, I understand how you feel about your low self-esteem being in the floor. Although I have a slightly different story, I like to describe it as being in a hole where it seems things just turn from bad to worst. I also understand how it feels a bit awkward to bring your emotions and feelings to the surface as I am a man as well and I can tell you we men tend to not want to show our emotions as it "may make us appear" weak and even a bit girly at times. Well I can tell you first that storing your emotions inside is one of the worst things you can do. You store all that stuff inside and it just keeps growing like a ball until it gets so big at one point ready to burst out, and usually not very good things are associated with that.

I would recommend you educate yourself, not talking about school necessarily, but if you have the desire to succeed, and become more confident...Then you must take action to make it happen! For a long time I myself was beating myself up but later realized that I was wasting that time, when I decided to immerse myself in learning about who I was, and my personal growth and development many things started to change inside. But the fascinating thing is that as I changed in a positive way on the inside, I started seeing positive changes on the outside.

Life it seems, gives you more of what you feel and think about most. So make the decision to gain control of your own life and start changing your attitude, associate with positive people and activities, and everyday express feelings of gratitude for not what you lack but what you have! As you start a journey into practicing positive thinking many great things will begin to happen.

The key however, is to do it consistently in an ongoing basis. There is a famous quote that says "Man is but the product of his thoughts, what he thinks, he becomes" So fill you mind with things that make you feel enthusiastic, optimistic, motivated, confident, and keep on doing it until your subconscious mind accepts them as a new default and you will start to see great things happen!