[Hopefull]

I was reading a book about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and it says that self-esteem should be unconditional. Since I used to base mine on what other people think and currently base it on past/present acheivements, this concept is hard for me to grasp. Is this possible? How? I wish my library had had the book that T named. But, I had to settle for one by the same auther that T also mentioned as good reading.

[(JD)]

It's not only possible, but in our own best self interest! (See my thread about not comparing ourselves to anyone or thing!)

Just like a T extends us unconditional caring... we should extend such to ourselves, also, imo.

Good self-esteem IS unconditional, imo. Try beginning with basic statements such as: I am human and therefore not perfect. I do not deserve abuse nor mistreatment.

(But I guess the book can give you better ones?)

Do you happen to have someone in your life that you love unconditionally? Why not do this for yourself as well?

TC great post,btw!

[PasDeDeux]

Self-esteem IS static and when one has a healthy sense of self, circumstances around them do not affect how they feel about themselves.

[Perna]

Self-esteem, for me, isn't based on anything I do, or even feel, it just is. The way I've been able to build mine is to make friends with myself. The conversations one has with one's self pretty much indicate one's feelings for one's self.

Start by listening to what you tell yourself. Then take your strong, good traits; humor, creativity, honesty, courage, intelligence, etc. and use them to balance or "talk with" any negative thoughts.

When I started combating my own negativity, I worked on when I would put myself down; I'd silently yell, "Support!" and my mind's eye pictured three little guys in togas running from off the side, over by an ear, into the vault of my mind and quickly putting up Corinthian columns like tent poles. Don't ask me why Corinthian rather than Doric or Ionic :-)

Recently, at work where everyone knows me pretty well and my whacky sense of humor, I mostly just talk to myself out loud (negatively) and then quickly counteranswer! :-) But I got a little out of hand when I got a third person in there answering back to the answerer. LOL My good friend I work with then got into the act with her "concern" :-) and we had a loving, funny interchange. Seeing how much others enjoy me has been one of the best gifts I've ever been given. That's the key, really.

Look hard for and at what your friends and loved ones truly think about you and take it to heart even if you don't believe it. Take what your T says (if you have one) on faith until you can believe it yourself. If someone says they like your smile, just accept that you have a nice, friendly smile and are a nice, friendly person. You can't "fake" friendliness, you are either friendly or you're not. Other people are in charge of how they see you and how you make them feel; you can't control that or negate it because it's someone else, not you. You know how others send off "vibes" -- you can kind of tell if you like someone or not, want to get to know someone better or are afraid, etc.? You do the same for others and if they take the time with you, talk to you, like to have you around, like working with you, etc. then they are getting good vibes from you.

However, we're not all one thing or another. Everyone makes mistakes, gets angry, has a bad day, etc. Try to live in 3D! Relationships are more than a single interchange. Because you are angry at someone, disappointed, distracted and accidentally hurt someone's feelings, whatever, that doesn't make you a bad person. You're not a single entity, ever. So watch for that mistake.

When you call yourself a name, remind yourself that you're not anything global like, "bad," "stupid," "ugly," etc. Give your negative self a hard time when s/he uses such words, mock him/her at having such a poor vocabulary that they can't be more specific and then come up with a multi-syllable, more "exact" word to describe him/her! Or say something like, "Look, diputs," (stupid backwards :-) I may act in a stupid manner sometimes but unlike you, technically I'm not stupid on the whole as a person." Notice how your negative name-calling self is almost always very simple and unimaginative. Surely you can deal with that, even with your hands tied behind your back :-) It's grade school stuff. Sometimes I just "laugh" and ignore it, it's beneath my notice as I'm better than that.

[daybydayone]

that's a really interesting idea .... I guess I started off basing my self esteem on other people's comments of me. Then I moved to my academic achievements. Then back to other people's comments. Then my T helped me see I could maybe be more flexible with my self esteem. Like if I was tired, I could sit down. If I was hungry, maybe I could eat.

I remember the day I first went for a chai tea at starbucks because I was hungry and thirsty when out! I had never felt a physical need like that and accepted it and gratified it. WOW!! :-) That moment still blows my mind away. the beginning of a journey. I was terrified of what the people in the coffee shop thought of me... if I was fat ... how many calories were in the drink .. but it was a BIGGG step. Go me !! :-)

My self esteem has taken the HUGEST bashing lately as I have had to stop the majority of things I based my self esteem on - my uni course, my charity work, my relationship with my boyfriend, my dieting .... all gone cos I got so ill with M.E. !!

Now recovering it feels like I am rebuilding myself in a different place ... and actually thinking maybe I still can feel good about myself even if I do weigh more than I used to ... even if I am doing 'nothing' with my life. Enjoying things for what they make me FEEL rather than what other people think of them ... whether or not I can measure them .... wow.

It's a whole different realm. Realising I am what I think of myself. The more I love me, the better I feel. I can change how I view my world.

I promise you it's the most amazing journey. I never know where it will lead - but it's always fantastic!
Try it!!

xxxxxxx